To have kids or not to have kids?
In study after study, researchers find that parents are consistently less happy than non-parents. No matter how you control the sample, if you have two identical people—one with a child and one without—the parent will be 5.6 percentage points less happy.
~Jonathan Last’s review of Bryan Caplan’s book, Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think , Wall Street Journal, April 16
Apr.18, 2011 9:06 am |
Pop Culture |
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
I wonder if they childless ones will be 5.6% more self-centered than parents.
Children help people to grow up – be more generous to others – and it allows one to re-live childhood! Wanted to be able to play more? Play with your kids. Wanted more care-free days? Do that with your kids! Want to see wonder at the most simple things (flowers, grass, sunshine, etc). Do that with your kids.
In loving we learn to love more. Kids help us to love more. Is being a parent hard? Of course. and it’s a huge source of joy, laughter and healing.
Woa, there joyfromillinois. I have kids too and I agree with what you wrote, but don’t assume childless people/couples are selfish.
Some people can’t produce children.
Some people who don’t have children are doing volunteer work.
Some people may simply not want children, but are wonderful and generous people otherwise.
I have seen some parents have kids just because they are “supposed” to and treat them like the equivalent of Paris Hilton’s chihuahua in a purse. Or they gripe all day about how terrible it is that they can’t “go out” anymore.
If you’re going to judge a person, do so by their actions – not the # of children they have.
Define happy.
My body my choice! Stay out of my bedroom! If I want 15 children it’s none of your business!
hey Mia -glad to know someone else is also from Illinois!
My comments were directed to couples who are childless by choice for the long term – sorry I did not make that clear in my post.
And yes – some parents do a terrible job. But done well, parenthood helps everyone – parents and children alike. Too bad I did not write the post after my coffee! ;P
I’m with Carla – how exactly do they define “happy”?
Ask them when they’re eighty, which couple is most happy.
PS: Usually those who don’t want to be bothered with the young are also none too “happy” being bothered with the old either.
I have seen this often personally.
We are honestly here for what reason, after all?
I personally am tearfilled with gratitude for every stressful minute I have with my children!
How do you measure happiness?
I suppose the best a poll-taker can do is to ask, “on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you?” then average the results. “5.6 points less”!
Here’s test: Ask a random sample of parents how much money they would need to be happy. Would $400,000 be enough to pay off your debts and let you retire early?
Okay then — now, would you sell me your youngest child for $400,000?
I suppose some desperate and soulless persons would be tempted, and regret the choice. But any normal, adequate, 5.6-points-less-happy parent would not sell a beloved child for any price.
This quote is definitely more a statement on the narcissistic society in which we live, not a statement as to the value of children.
Having kids means you don’t always get to go buy that newest, latest car, and may not get the biggest house on the block, and you may not get to go shopping for yourself any and every time you’d like to.
I truly believe this has a lot to do with materialism and self-focus.
But hey, if you want to live your life that way, go ahead. Just don’t kill your kids to do it, please.
In other news, Trig Palin turns three today.
http://conservatives4palin.com/2011/04/happy-third-birthday-trig.html
While I’m academically curious how they defined and measured “happiness” (an intangible and hard-to-quantify quality if ever there was one), we should not pass over the possibility that having more children does indeed reduce the amount of “happiness” you will experience. Children may be blessings, but not all blessings make you happy. And all people are complicated. Having more complicated people in your life means that you will have to worry about balancing and maintaining more relationships, which is hard and sometimes stressful work no matter which way you slice it. The fact that there are a large number of rewards from raising children (some of which are even harder to quantify than happiness), does not negate the fact that raising kids is a lot of work and that takes a toll.
None of this makes children any less valuable. It suggests the opposite, I would think. The best things in life are the ones you have to work for, after all.
True happiness is found in serving others. “Lose yourself in Me and you will find yourself.”
There’s nothing wrong with not having children. I don’t believe people that choose to remain “childfree” are necessarily selfish. Perhaps they realize that they don’t have the temperament to raise children.
The only problem I have with the ‘childfree” movement is that some really seem to HATE — I mean, HATE children and infants. Yes, they can be a pain in the behind, but to despise the juvenile members of your own species shows a meanness of spirit — as is calling parents “breeders,” etc., And not surprisingly, most childfree activists that I’ve met are VERY pro-abortion.
Try childfree activists stalking and harming children of other left-wing activists.
Who is doing the measuring? And how? Someone in their twenties, in a lab? Who has never lived in a section of the country other than where they grew up? I’m thinking of the New York grad student who surveyed happiness, and found the least amount in New York, and the greatest amount in Louisiana. And the best explanation the poor child could come up with was ” better food” in Louisiana.
Of course I’m less happy if I take happiness to mean the satisfaction of each and every one of my egoistic desires, or even my simple ability to go pee by myself uninterrupted. Or, to stay comfortably ensconced in my own preoccupations and judgments, or live in complete ease, surrounded by books and movies and music. If, however, I’m going for joy and transcendance, and comfort in a group several years down the road, or the blessing of connection to an infant I can hofd as much as I desire….then, of course, I’m not happy. I’m transcendentally joyous, I’m comforted with a transport of blissful connection to other people, and I’m alert to all life has possible. I can pay for a guru, to sit in a room staring at a wall, or I can worship a child in the most physical and mindless way possible- washing a guru’s feet, or washing my infant. I’m equally sleep-deprived, I’m listening to someone else chanting “mom, mom, mom, mom” rather than me chanting “om, om,om”
has anyone asked a monk if s/he’s happy in the middle of the journey? what a ridiculous question.
They certainly didn’t ask me.
I was not necessarily “unhappy” before kids, but post-kids? This is a sort of happiness I never could have imagined. (Oh, and it’s HARD work.)
:)
Not everyone has the same definition of happiness, either. While some might have a selfish definition of happiness, others (whether having children or not having children) miight have UNselfish definitions of happiness and measuring that isn’t easy–especially since that measurement/definition could change day by day.
For instance: On one day a mother might define happiness as her kids NOT being sick. That since her kids are sick, on a scale of 1 to 10 she’s only got a happiness quotient of 3. But say, you ask her the following week, and her kids are well and they’re having a good day…she might give her happiness a 10. Similarily a person who has CHOSEN to be childless might on one day be having a bad day, and rate their happeness at a 3 or lower…but the following day or the following week be feeling happier and rate their overall happiness as a 10.
And sometimes whether childless or a parent people ae just right in the middle–not thrilled but not unhappy–so maybe around a 5.
Just depends on the person, their definition of happiness and how they measure it.
I can honestly say that when I was raising my two children (now 20 and 22) I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
Of course, I can’t speak for everyone. I think I mentioned that when my daughter told me I was a good mother, I cried, for that was the most wonderful thing anyone’s ever said to me.
As an empty nester, I really do miss having children in my life.
I think that any study of “happiness” that does not distinguish between short-term and long-term happiness is probably not worth reading. For example, I once read an article on happiness in general that posited that oftentimes the people who are happiest long-term experience more frequent periods in which they would describe themselves as “less happy” than others. The article likened it to asking someone who has hiked up a difficult mountain if they are happy to have done so – they will almost certainly answer yes. The view was worth it, the work paid off, they felt better about themselves, it helped them stay healthy, they bonded with their friends - etc etc etc, in so many ways, this experience will have made them happier overall, and they will be happier people for having done it and things like it. However, if you found them on the hike up when their feet were blistered and their thighs hurt and their water was warm, or if you found them at a point where they were momentarily scared of something, and asked them to rate their happiness, they’d probably rate it lower than that of someone who’s sitting in an air-conditioned house watching a movie with their friends. That doesn’t mean that the person sitting at home is HAPPIER than the person hiking the mountain. It probably just means their present moment is EASIER.
Easy feels happy, but it doesn’t necessarily make us happy in the end. Raising kids is hard sometimes. But that doesn’t mean it makes us UNHAPPY. Lots of times, we are happy to have done things we aren’t necessarily “happy” to be doing in the moment.
Of course, kids bring LOTS of short-term happiness, too - I don’t mean to discount that. But I think that any study of a very long-term undertaking that doesn’t evaluate both short- and long-term happiness is probably just sensationalist crap.
“Control the sample” – control – it’s always about “control” isn’t it?
And liberals say we conservatives are the one’s that are all stuck-up eh?!
I know everyone is different, but I just can’t imagine the mind-set of a person who doesn’t want children. I know…now I’ll get nasty replies to that from the “trolls”, but let’s see if they feel the same way when they’re on their deathbed and NO ONE is their to hold their hand.
Pamela,
I’ll try to explain our mindset as people who don’t want children. Don’t worry- I’m not mad. I understand where you, either as a mother or someone who wishes to be a mother, are coming from (though I must admit I don’t entirely understand the mindset of people who want to be parents). :)
Being a parent is not something that will give me fulfillment. I love kids- I love my little sister and my cousin- but I have no maternal instinct. That thing that makes some (most) people want to be caregivers or have children is entirely missing. I would rather find my own fulfillment in art and science and social justice and other things that make me very happy. I know that it sounds rather odd- I do a horrible job of explaining this- the only thing that I can say is that for whatever reason, and I’m sure that there are many, the maternal instinct/paternal instinct just doesn’t show up in some people.
Do you have kids yourself? I suppose that you’ll have to explain to me why you want/wanted kids. I would be very interested in hearing why, mainly because I hardly ever talk about the subject with anyone. :)
I don’t mean this to insult those who choose to remain childless, but I think it is gravely wrong of any of us to assume insight into our own temperments that allows us to make such a life-impacting decision. We all like to think we understand ourselves but how much better do we understand ourselves than after life has thrown us a curveball?
Obviously, there are a great many decisions that all of us make throughout our lvies based on our own understanding and therefore all of us are going to inadvertently deny ourselves things that could be beneficial beyond our expectations… so I don’t mean that childless-by-choice folks are cornering the market on this attitude (allowing them to corner themselves in the event that their choice leads to destruction of another life, however).
More than likely, if any of us gets what we’ve deliberately set out to get (be it children or no children) then we will be more likely to recognize the benefits and learn from the hardships of our circumstances.
So then, if we’re all on the common ground of not really being wise enough to predict the future, it just brings it back to the basic issue of our bodies being perfectly suited for procreation…
Being a parent is not something that will give me fulfillment. I love kids- I love my little sister and my cousin- but I have no maternal instinct. That thing that makes some (most) people want to be caregivers or have children is entirely missing.
Vannah,
You never know what is going to jump out of the woodwork and surprise you.
I know more than one parent who thought him/herself lacking in caregiving skills altogether before getting pregnant. Not all of them have experienced a total shift but not one of them would give up their children for any quantifiable ‘reward’. Some have found themselves to be spectacular parents!
On the other hand, I know a 2 young women who got pregnant and were excited to be mothers but have turned out to be self-involved and poor examples of loving parenthood. The reality of the fact is, the ONLY things that makes a good parent are self-sacrifice and love. (honestly, the two are pretty interchangeable, though, aren’t they?)
Alexandra,
Nail, head.
Vannah, am I remembering correctly that you are around 16 years of age?
Just checking.
I had zero maternal instinct in my teens. Zero. Hated babysitting, couldn’t stand other people’s kids.
That changed after ten years and a marriage. People can change. Some might not, but to assume one won’t ever have maternal feelings as one grows older is something no one can really foresee.
Yes, Vannah, I am a parent. I have a beautiful little girl who just turned four. I’ve also suffered five miscarriages. My sister is someone who has “zero maternal instinct”. She couldn’t stand kids when she was growing up. Our grandmother raised her. Grandma baby-sat from the time she(grandma) was fourteen. Grandma supervised MY first baby-sitting job in her home..I was 11. I’ve always loved children. At the age of TWO my mother said that I said of a little boy who was 18 months old “Oh mama, look at the baby!” I was a child-care provider up until a few months before my daughter was born. THIRTY YEARS I was in child care in one capacity or another (home day-care, nursery worker).
My sister has two grown children and two grandchildren. She took her daughter( my niece) to have an abortion. She told my niece to LIE to me and say she had a miscarriage. To this day, she doesn’t know that my niece told me the truth. Just recently my sister admitted to me “I shouldn’t have had kids.”
Like I said in my earlier post, I know everyone is different.
Vannah, people do change. In my teenage years, and in my early twenties, I did not want anything to do with children – I didn’t like kids and I especially never wanted to have kids. I too felt as if I was missing this ‘maternal instinct’, but after I got married and found out I was pregnant, that all changed! I now have 3 wonderful children and one on the way, and I would not change a thing. I am not the perfect mother, and I still sometimes feel as if I lack that instinct, but I truly love my children, and that’s all that matters.
But, on the other hand, there are people out there who don’t want children, and they don’t ever change their minds about that, and that’s okay. Just don’t rule out the possibility that change is possible.
I don’t have a problem with people not wanting to be parents, as long as they don’t hate kids and they don’t have an obnoxious superior attitude towards people who have children. My guess is that with some people, it’s like how I feel about dogs. I generally like dogs if they’re well-behaved. I don’t have any huge negativity towards dogs. Other people have dogs that I like. However, I don’t want to ever have a dog of my own because there’s just no desire there and it’s a responsibility that I wouldn’t really want to take on. (I have cats, but I don’t have to clean up their drool or take them on walks at least twice a day.) Countdown until someone accuses me of saying children are like dogs…
My maternal instinct was fine until after the abortion. Then I became morbidly afraid of getting pregnant again. In just a couple short years I was telling people, “I don’t have any maternal instinct.” When in fact, it had literally been traumatized out of me.
We humans want to think we’re so smarty pants that we don’t need instinct. But we do. We’re not that far removed from the rest of the world’s placental mammals.
None of you have considered the situation of people who choose to remain childless because of the abuse they received from their parents. These people know that not everyone should have children. They know that having children can truly be a selfish decision – their parents had children to gratify their own needs, never the child’s.
Additionally, the abused may have doubts about their own childrearing abilities, even after years of therapy. Better to not have children than to have them and recreate the abuse.
Not having children in these situations can be a blessing. Energy and money can be spent on the children of other family members, social improvement and charities.
Miafromillinois: “I have kids too and I agree with what you wrote, but don’t assume childless people/couples are selfish. Some people can’t produce children. Some people who don’t have children are doing volunteer work. Some people may simply not want children, but are wonderful and generous people otherwise.”
…and don’t forget those of us in the Dying Alone Delegation!
phillymiss
This is in response to your 11:31 post. I’ve also noticed that individuals who hate children are often more than a little preoccupied with themselves.
Parents invest more time and money in their kids than ever, but the shocking lesson of twin and adoption research is that upbringing is much less important than genetics in the long run. These revelations have surprising implications for how we parent and how we spend time with our kids. The big lesson: Mold your kids less and enjoy your life more. Your kids will still turn out fine.
Interesting description of the book at Amazon’s site.
http://www.happilychildfree.com/ann.htm – the famous question posed by columnist Ann Landers in the 1970’s. “If You Had It To Do Over Again—
Would You Have Children?”
70% said they would not.