Bethany's baby

I received the following note and photos this morning. They are self-explanatory.

bethanyf.jpgDear Jill,

The reason I'm emailing is because a little over two weeks ago I experienced a miscarriage. It was very difficult to deal with, as I was so excited about having a fourth child and had no idea anything was wrong until the day I had the routine ultrasound, and the doctors told me that the baby had died in my womb. :-( I had to wait a week to miscarry the baby, and it was so difficult.

Once the baby came, I took several pictures of the baby, who was around six weeks old when he or she died. These pictures were first taken for myself, so that I would never forget what my baby looked like....

But I want to share the pictures with you, because you may be able to do something with them to help the pro-life cause. I feel if the loss of my baby can do anything to help save the life of even one baby, my baby will not have died in vain. Do you think there is any way you can use them for the pro-life cause? I trust your judgement and know that whatever you choose to do with them will be respectful to my baby's life.

babyblessing2 (2).jpgI realize there are many textbook images, but somehow I think a picture taken by a "regular" woman - up close and personal pictures - might be more helpful than other pictures and help people realize the reality of those images... that they're not fake... because even though I was extremely pro-life before I saw my baby and had already seen hundreds of pictures of fetuses in the womb, seeing this real baby in front of my eyes really was incredibly amazing. How complex they are!

Bethany
View my blog (usually updated daily): http://bethany.preciousinfants.com
View my pencil drawings and wall murals: http://www.sketchesbybethany.net

P.S. My baby died due to a brain abnormality. So you will notice that the head does look a little strange at the top, and that is the reason why. Aren't the little fingers and toes beautiful?

bethanyc.jpg

bethanyd.jpg

bethanye.jpg


Comments:

wow

mk

Posted by: MK Author Profile Page at March 20, 2007 4:36 PM


That's horrible. I'm very sorry for her loss. I can't imagine what it must be like to be looking forward to having a new addition to your family only to have it die in utero. :-(

Posted by: Danielle at March 20, 2007 4:41 PM


It's kind of funny (not ha ha funny) when you think about it, that this post should sum up everything we have been trying to say about new life. And that it came right on the heels of the previous post...

Put this post together with the last post and you could pretty much put the whole thing into two words:

the "ULITIMATE GIFT"

I wasn't shouting, just emphasizing.
MK

Posted by: MK Author Profile Page at March 20, 2007 6:18 PM


Thank you for sharing your baby with all of Jill's readers Bethany. Your baby is beautiful.

Posted by: Elena at March 20, 2007 7:13 PM


Jill, I am overwhelmed with gratitude...thank you so much...

Posted by: Bethany at March 20, 2007 7:16 PM


I'm very sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Stephanie at March 20, 2007 7:34 PM


Bethany,I am sorry for your loss as well.

Posted by: momof3 at March 20, 2007 7:45 PM


Jill

First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with my personal views on abortion, so please read this as though its from a fellow medical professional, not from someone who's politics you disagree with.

You have posted photographs of a deceased fetus, from a woman who had a miscarriage only 2 weeks ago. She is still in a state of extreme grief, and possibly shock. While she has every right to do what she wishes with these photos, you posting them is a different story. At this point, ANYONE could copy these photographs from your website and use them out of context, alter them, publish them, etc., compromising the privacy of this woman. Even though she gave you the blessing to do whatever you wanted with them, I think the responsible thing to do would have been to publish her story and her links, but refrain from posting the pictures. If someone were to use these images in some sick way (which has happened PLENTY of times by pro lifers AND pro choicers), you could be held responsible, as Bethany could quite easily, and justifiably, say that she was in a state of grief and had not thought out what could happen to those photographs should they be posted for a large audience on the internet.

You believe a fetus is a child, yet would you post pictures of a murdered 2 year old on your website if a grieving mother sent them to you no more than 2 weeks after the child was killed?

I sincerely hope not.

In working with teen girls who often use the internet as their primary source of photo-sharing and communication, I have seen just how damaging personal photographs can be when posted in a public arena and basically handed to people who will use them in harmful ways.

I urge to to reconsider posting this woman's private photographs in such a way. And please do not make this about my stance on abortion, considering this fetus was miscarried in the first place, I can assure you it has NOTHING to do with how I feel about abortion, but rather how I feel about VERY, VERY sensitive and private information being displayed in an irresponsible manner.

Posted by: amanda at March 20, 2007 8:30 PM


Amanda, I sincerely appreciate your concern for my emotional well being, and I think that they come from a spirit of kindness...so thank you for caring.

I can assure you that although I am still in a state of grief over losing my child (who I named Blessing), I was fully aware that posting them on the internet does pose some risks. However, I am willing to take those risks for the pro-life cause.

If I were to do nothing with these photos, I would always wonder if there were someone out there who could have been informed and possibly changed their mind about having an abortion.

You asked if Jill would post pictures of a murdered child...but my child was not murdered...he or she died of natural causes which I nor anyone else had control of. Because of this, there is no shame in posting the pictures....these pictures are the truth, of what many people do not even realize is actually there at 6 weeks in the womb.

Even I did not know they were that fully formed in the womb at that time...even though I have been to pro-life websites for years, and had seen nearly every picture there is to see of the fetal stages... So I felt that if I didn't even know this myself, how could I expect others to, especially the people who truly feel that a baby is just a blob of tissue?

I want people to be educated about the facts of life in the womb.... there is truly a living human being in there, and I want people to understand that.

Thank you to all who have posted condolences...it means a lot to me.

Posted by: Bethany at March 20, 2007 9:20 PM


Bethany,

Your baby is in the arms of a loving God and will never suffer again. No tears, no pain, no death, to be fully clothed in a glorified body, a beatiful body we can't imagine this side of heaven. And you will see your baby someday and together you will walk in the gardens and live in the mansion the Lord has prepared for you both to enjoy, forever. I know this is true without a shadow of a doubt.

It's difficult to understand God in these situations, however, it is not our right to question. We are only to trust in an infintely loving God who ultimately loves us unconditionally.

I want you to know what courage you have shown in sharing the grief of your loss. You could have chosen to just keep it to yourself. You obviously understand the value of every life, no matter what stage of development they are in. Any one with a heart cannot deny that this was a living soul destined for greatness and greatness it has acheived in it short time of existence here on earth.

Your baby had a purpose and gave it's life so that maybe, just maybe, one woman would decide against an abortion by seeing these photos. Yes, this "least of these" is a special, very special person and you must be a very special mother. God does not allow this type of thing to happen to ordinary individuals.

Jill, you did the exact right thing in posting these photos. Post more and make them more public, shout it at the world.

As a man, I am in awe of two of the most courageous women I know of, Jill and Bethany. I wish more en had 1/100th of the courage you two have.

Abortion is murder and abortionists are murderers. That's the truth and no false intellectuals or scientific facts or published papers will ever change that.

Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord. Without the fear of the Lord one is just a self-deceived fool.

Posted by: His Man Author Profile Page at March 21, 2007 2:42 AM


Amanda, your concern for Bethany is honestly touching.

Had I not posted the photos of Bethany's baby at her request, it would have been disrespectful and caused Bethany more pain. These are her child's only baby photos.

Many parents try to cause good to come from the tragedy of their child's death. Doing so is brave, healthy, and healing. I think of Adam Walsh's father John, who created "America's Most Wanted," or Jessica Lunsford's father Mark, who has been travelling the country urging states to enact "Jessica's Law."

In this case, Bethany would like her child's death to help stop abortion by showing how completely and miraculously formed her baby was when s/he was only 42 days old and the size of a kidney bean.

I laud Bethany for that and appreciate her help. Americans are by and large against second- and third-trimester abortions but have yet to understand the humanity of a first trimester baby. Bethany is helping in this extremely important area, not only by sharing her baby's photos but by sharing her grief.

Grief about miscarriages is also important to validate, and your note has been helpful in that regard, Amanda. People often do not understand how deeply one feels the loss of a child through miscarriage.

Hope this helps calm your concerns, Amanda. And Bethany, I appreciate your taking the time to respond, too.

Posted by: Jill Stanek at March 21, 2007 7:04 AM


I "met" Bethany through her blog and followed the story of her baby's loss.

These are beautiful, amazing pictures and I truly admire this mommy's willingness to share them with the world!

Posted by: Margaret at March 21, 2007 12:47 PM


Amen to that His Man. I second the motion!!

Posted by: momof3 at March 21, 2007 4:11 PM


Thank you so much for your kind words, HisMan....and Margaret and Momof3. :)

Posted by: Bethany at March 21, 2007 4:56 PM


Thanks for posting this story. My wife and I were expecting our second child last August and she miscarried about 6 weeks in. It's so weird to miss someone you've never met...but we do. Time has healed, but we still think of our little one that is in our Savior's arms. May God heal your heart with his love.

Posted by: bigdog at March 22, 2007 11:03 AM


I'm sorry for your loss, bigdog....I completely understand what you mean. Even at such an early time, losing a baby due to miscarriage is so emotionally painful...you're not only losing the baby, but the hopes and dreams you had for that baby, and having to say goodbye to that little one that you were so willing to welcome into your arms and into the family! Thank goodness that we have hope of seeing our babies again, and that we know that there is a reason or everything that happens...even if we can't see it at the moment. God knows what He's doing. Thank you for your kind words.

Posted by: Bethany at March 23, 2007 7:45 AM


bethany is a truly amazing person. I have met her through her website and admire her for her strength and courage. When I suffered a miscarriage my husband found her website for me because of his concern for me. She willingly opened herself up to me and shared her grief and pictures of Blessing. I was not able to see my baby due to a D&C and being lied to by the doctor but her baby gave my baby a face. Miscarriage is not looked at by the medical community and by society as a loss of life but just a loss of tissue. If it were just tissue why did I have to fill out a death certificate? One wonders? Do aborted babies get the same or are they just thrown away like common trash? I always was against abortion but after suffering a miscarriage I am even more against it. We need a medical community to stand up against the demands of pro-choicers and show the real facts of abortion. If abortion is just a medical procedure how come it is not done on live tv like a colonoscopy? Do the abortionists know it is life they are taking but don't want to admit it due to the lucritve money they receive? I have personally known 2 women who had abortions at young ages (I met them when they were older) and the grief and pain they still carried with them was incredible..even after 20+ years. I am thankful for Bethany because she was able to share her beautiful baby with the world to educate people on womb development. Thanks bethany and thank you Jill for this site.

Posted by: shelly at June 11, 2007 6:34 AM


I lost a baby about 7 years ago at 10 weeks gestation. Most heartbreaking thing that ever happened to me....... but now am involved in care of Chernobyl children with my husband. God knows the beginning from the end. Like you, I saw the arms, legs, spine, it was awful..... and that is the worst bit.

God Bless..........

Posted by: Jenny at July 29, 2007 4:53 PM


I am so sorry for your loss...I am 48 and just miscarried after accidently becoming pregnant...

Posted by: anonymous at December 15, 2008 5:22 PM


That's actually really cool. I lost my baby at 10 weeks it stopped growing in my womb at around 8 weeks and took actually look at a real picture and think that's what my baby could have looked like that's really amazing.

Posted by: Codi at December 15, 2008 8:49 PM


I just had a miscarriage yesterday and they will be doing a D&C to remove the baby. I was 10 weeks and baby stopped growing at 6 weeks but was still alive till a couple days ago. Thank You for providing these real pics. Sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Yvonne at December 17, 2008 10:31 AM


thank-you for these photos. I jsut had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks along. I miscarried at home and was not able to see anything of my baby as everything was still in the sac. These images are very comforting to me - there was REAL baby in there!
thank-you for sharing.

Posted by: leah collinge at March 9, 2009 11:42 AM


I had a miscarriage 5 weeks ago at 10 weeks pregnant and my doctor chose not to do a DNC scrape instead let nature take its course and let me pass everything on my own.
Just last night I passed something that fell in the toilet and although it was irrecognizable I now know that was my baby. Thank you for posting these.

Posted by: Kayza at March 9, 2009 1:02 PM


Bethany,
Thank you so much for posting a pic of your baby she/he is beautiful! I had a miscarriage 2 days ago and it was the most pain I have ever had. Seeing your baby as mine would have looked ( I was 6 weeks and 5 days) made me feel, I don't know how to explain? To say it made me have a pice of mind and comfort if that makes any sence? I am sorry for your loss, and thank you again for your picture of "Blessing".
Crissy

Posted by: crissy at March 23, 2009 5:27 AM


Thanks for sharing this. I found out just yesterday that my 12 week old baby has no heart beat, the doctor sent me home to let the baby pass naturally. I am dreading the passing of it. You are so brave to show the world your loss, I wish I could be so brave. Thanks again.

Posted by: Nikki at April 10, 2009 12:15 PM


I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost a baby at 8 weeks in September of 08,I know nobody can say or do anything that will make you feel any better... they say time heals all wounds, but I'm not so sure that applies to loosing a baby, I know what you are going through and you are in my prayers. I have since become pregnant again, only 1 month after our loss, my husband and I learned we are pregnant... My second and his first baby, we also have 5 adopted children, so this is #7, we r having a lil girl. My husband is almost 45 and didn't think he could have children, but God has truly blessed us and he will also bless you and your family, our lil girl is due in June 2009. Good luck to you and your family!

Posted by: Stacy at April 13, 2009 12:56 PM


I am 8 weeks pregnant and am in the process of miscarrying. My baby only developed to 6 weeks. I saw your photo and was terrified. I did additional research. At six weeks the hands are not developed. The embryo is so tiny you would not be able to capture this image with a camera.
Can you please explain how you did this.
I have no children and it is devasting to lose what would have been my 3rd. I have two other children in heaven.

Please explain this photo. I was really scared that I would pass a fetus like this but my dr. said it was not possible.

Posted by: mary at April 22, 2009 1:48 PM


Mary, I am so very sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how devastating it has been for you to have to endure three and have no other children.

I have had two miscarriages, and one was told to have been twins possibly...so I know it's hard, especially when you want to have a baby so badly.

The picture in the post above was from my first miscarriage - I wasn't able to find the baby from my second. It isn't always possible to find them, and so often people do a d & c instead of natural miscarriage nowadays so they don't get to see after that either.

I do not know why your doctor would have told you that your baby is not big enough to see at that stage of development - I've read enough to know that this is simply untrue (not to mention, having seen it with my own two eyes!)
I do not want to say that she/he was intentionally lying to you, but she is incorrect.

PLEASE visit this link:
http://www.ehd.org/prenatal-images-index.php

You will see images that are absolutely incredible and on this site there is actually VIDEO of a 6 week unborn child which looks like my baby. Here is the video:
http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=30#content

I hope that it will help you, and please don't feel scared or threatened by this. This is how God creates us all in the womb. It is a beautiful thing. However, it is so terribly painful to have to endure the pain of losing a child. I just hope that you will find comfort and peace. Please, feel free to email me anytime you need support or encouragement. I will be here for you.
bethany(at)jillstanek.com

Posted by: Bethany at April 23, 2009 1:20 PM


Another video, showing the hands in particular:
http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=35&cell=4

Posted by: Bethany at April 23, 2009 1:26 PM


Mary,
I am so sorry. So very sorry for what you are enduring right now and have endured in the miscarriages of your children. I have had two miscarriages myself and held one baby in my hand. I was ten weeks along. Everything that Blessing is in those photos is what I held in my hand, only bigger.

I know it is so very hard to pass through the stages of grief and I hope that very soon you will not be scared but able to embrace your child in your heart and in your life.

I am here for you as well, Mary.
carla(at)jillstanek.com

Posted by: Carla at April 23, 2009 1:29 PM


i am very sorry for your loss im 19 years old i was 7 weeks 2 days i just lost my baby and it hurts so much everyone is asking hows the baby it makes me wanna cry

Posted by: amanda at April 30, 2009 4:49 PM


Amanda,
Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I am so sorry about your baby. My heart is aching for you. I know too well the pain and grief a miscarriage causes. Please cry when you need to and do whatever you need to do in your grief.

WE GRIEVE BECAUSE WE LOVE.

You may email me if you would like.
carla(at)jillstanek.com

Posted by: Carla at April 30, 2009 9:16 PM


Amanda, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.

One of the hardest things is having to deal with people who don't know and explain to them what has happened.

After I had my first miscarriage, people kept asking me about the baby and I would sometimes just burst into tears, even though I had felt fine moments before. It was very difficult to actually say the words without crying. It took me several months before I was able to do that.

Even though it seems like it will never end, you will heal over time ... but don't be ashamed to let yourself grieve however long you need to. It is part of the healing process.

Please let me or Carla know if you ever need any support...a listening ear, anything.

Posted by: Bethany at May 1, 2009 7:59 AM


i cant beleive this is a baby of 6weeks in the womb.im 19 years old and had my first miscarraige last month,i have no previous children,i lost at 7weeks,and to see this picture amazes me,as i didn think the baby would be so developed like this,i thought it would of jus been a clot of blood,and i remember whe it was happing ne i knew something bigger had came out,i only wish i had of knowin at the time the baby looked like this i would of trying to give it a better send off than flushing it down the toilet...anyways im thankful to see this picture.X

Posted by: grace at May 3, 2009 11:17 AM


Grace, I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

Posted by: Bethany at May 3, 2009 3:57 PM


im very sorry for your loss i recently went through the same thing and no exactly what you went through your baby didnt die in vien

Posted by: Anonymous at May 7, 2009 6:10 PM


Thank you so much, Anonymous. I'm sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Bethany at May 10, 2009 5:37 PM


This is mildly disturbing.

Posted by: Anonymous at May 13, 2009 7:47 PM


Why does it disturb you, Anonymous?

Posted by: Bethany at May 14, 2009 7:03 AM


This is so sad, I just cried when I saw this and all the posting from people who are caring and can sympothize with this situation. I am having issues right now with my pregnancy and am waiting to hear tomorrow what the result is my heart breaks for all of you who have had to endure this and I am amazed by all of your courage and willingness to discuss such a sensitive topic to many women who have been through this situation. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with everyone

Posted by: Anonymous at May 26, 2009 7:56 PM


Anonymous, I hope that your troubles turn out to be nothing...I pray that your baby will be safe! I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

Posted by: Bethany at May 27, 2009 12:40 AM


can anyone tell me there story on miscarraige and went on to have healthy baby soon after wards?..i already wrote in to this and explained my story abit.i had a m/c 2months ago at 7weeks,since that i have had two periods,just having no luck so far in getting pregnant again,its sooooo frustraing!!!!!!!!!
so could someone share there story and give me some hope ,id be very greatful..


also my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has gone true a m/c
everything turns out okay in the end if its not okay its not the end ..xxx

Posted by: grace at May 29, 2009 2:30 PM


Grace, I actually know of several women who have miscarried and have gone on to have another healthy pregnancy and baby that went to full term. One of them had a miscarriage and went on to get pregnant the very next month. Another lost a baby and didn't conceive again for another year and a half. I do know of one woman who had SIX miscarriages and finally conceived a baby...that baby grew up to be my sister's husband. So there is hope!

I haven't been as fortunate- yet... so I understand your pain. It's been over 2 years since I had my miscarriage, and still no baby. It makes me sad sometimes, especially when I see other people with babies, and pregnant women, and I wonder why that can't be me.

But I know that God has other plans for me right now. Sometimes it's really hard, but I know that God can see the future and I am just so shortsighted.

I know that when it is the right time, God will allow me to have another baby... but for right now, I just have to trust that He knows what is best for me.

It's not easy, I know. I pray that you will be given the strength to get through each month, and I hope that you will be blessed with another baby very soon!

Posted by: Bethany at May 29, 2009 10:03 PM


thanks bethany,you are so very right i no that,you advise is true,but as im sure you no some days you might not beleive it yourself,but when the time is right,and for whatever reason now is just not right.
i went true a stage i thought i couldn get pregnant,i was trying for 8 monthes.and then FINALLY i found out i was,1week later i lost,now it seems all my friends are pregnant,im happy for them but stil at the same time as i watch them grow i still think how big i would be now if things would have turned out,
my thoughts are also with you ,i think iv been trying long then i read your story,we just all have to stay strong and carry on until it happens,which it will...someday!!!
thank you so much for writing back you have just made my day,you are a kind person i no that by this picture you are helping alot of women,some may never write but just by reading the storys.iv read millionnnnnsss of things like this but find this very helpful.so i just want to say thank you :)

Posted by: Anonymous at June 3, 2009 6:12 PM


that was me who sent that last message

Posted by: Anonymous at June 4, 2009 4:47 PM


Grace, i'd give you a big hug if I could.

I hope you have a blessed week. :)

You can email me anytime at mail(at)preciousinfants.com.

Posted by: Bethany at June 5, 2009 6:22 AM


my name is josie and i went through a miscarriage 3 weeks ago....im only 17 years old, but me and my boyfriend wanted this baby..i was about 10 weeks and the doctor told me that my baby never developed a heart....it was realy dificult for me im still sad and dont realy know what to do...i feel that it was all my responsability and i didnt took care of my child....i miss my baby but i know that God does things for a reason..i know that it was your 4th baby and that you might be older than me and that you might see things in a different view from me, but i understand the mental and sphysical pain that you went through....

Posted by: inez at June 7, 2009 12:53 AM


hi josie,my name is grace u might of already read my story.if not just look up on the page.im 19 and had my first miscarraige about 2 months ago now.and i have to say it is the hardest thing in the world,at any age,every women feels the same thing,i beleive it was just gods way of saying i was not ready yet,maybe its the same for you.i was trying for 8 months for my baby so it was relly wanted,i think i wanted it too much,now im just going to take it easy,it will happen when it needs to,
and i know how you feel that most things you read on the internet women who went true this are older than us,sometimes you need advise and just someone to talk to the same age,if you ever want to chat or anything at all.just ask for my email and id be happy to give it to you.
just no il be praying for you true this hard time.your not alone.

Posted by: Anonymous at June 7, 2009 11:08 AM


Josie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how easy it is to feel that you are to blame when you have a miscarriage but I can assure you- it was NOT your fault. Here is a website that might help you deal with some of the questions that you'll be facing as you go through the grief process after your miscarriage - I hope that it will be of some help and comfort to you:

From Pregnancyloss.info:
http://www.pregnancyloss.info/myths.htm

Sometimes after your miscarriage you will remember straining to lift something, worry over the three martinis you drank before you took the pregnancy test, or wonder if you should have still been working out. None of this matters. Miscarriage happens, whether we do our best to prevent it or not. Here is a list of commonly blamed factors that are NOT causes of miscarriage.

These things do NOT cause miscarriage:

Stress. Everyone worries about the baby. Many experience traumatic life events during pregnancy, such as family deaths, even deaths of children or the baby's father. You will get through it, and your baby will too. As a strong case in point, over 50 women were pregnant when their husbands died on September 11 in a terrorist attack on the United States. Their babies are arriving, kicking and squawling, despite the pregnancy occurring during the absolute worst days of their mothers' lives.

Sex, even the passionate kind. Orgasm may scare you when your uterus enlarges because you can feel the contractions, but it doesn't do anything to the baby other than maybe rock him to sleep (or get him to kick you to stop and let him sleep already.) Sometimes you will have spotting after sex, but this is just because the cervix is very soft and filled with blood. A little banging sometimes makes it bleed a little, but this is not a problem. You only need to curtail your loving if your doctor has told you to do so.

Lifting your toddler or older children. Your body will complain to the point of making you drop them well before you can do anything that is harmful. Remember to pick them up by squatting and lifting with your legs, not bending over and lifting with your back. This is still not a miscarriage factor, but will save you many aches and pains.

Working out. This is actually something that helps you and the baby. There are some rules, however. Do not get your heart rate above 140 (still not a miscarriage factor, but does start to reduce the amount of oxygen to the baby) or work until you feel faint or exhausted.

Getting kicked or hit in the stomach. Remember the baby is well protected, and only you will hurt. This is often done during the night by a sleepless child you have pulled into bed with you, but if it is by a partner or other adult, get help. You don't need to bring a child into a world where abuse is present. Please visit http://www.ncadv.org/ for help and information on domestic violence.

Poor eating habits. The baby will rob you of the nutrients it needs and only you will suffer. However, you can cause a low birth-weight baby with developmental problems if you refuse to have a healthy diet through the entire pregnancy. You should still eat well, but don't blame a miscarriage on your eating habits.

Drinking before you knew you were pregnant. The majority of women do this and it has no bearing on miscarriage. I personally tossed quite a few tequila shots the night I had a negative pregnancy test on the ninth month of trying. Two days later another test was positive. I didn't blink an eye. The baby doesn't get a drop of blood before implantation, and receives so little for the first few weeks that you really just don't need to worry about it. If you continue drinking once you know you are pregnant, however, you can cause a serous problem with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome. Once the test is positive, pick up baby bottles, not liquor ones.

Scaring the baby. Just because a near accident, or loud terrible noise, earthquake, or other event scared you, does not mean the baby even noticed. Even if the baby does jump upon hearing something loud, this is just a startle reflex and actually a healthy sign that he or she is developing normally. Babies do not have "heart attacks" from fright or get scared "to death." This is a persistent myth in several cultures and simply does not have any basis in fact.

The baby "knowing" it was unwanted. Just because a pregnancy surprised you, and even if you debated having an abortion, you did not cause your baby to die. This is a grief and guilt emotion you are feeling, but it is not true. The fact is, at least 10% of all babies die, whether they were desperately wanted or not.

These things may cause complications, but not typically a miscarriage:

Falling. We all become klutzes as our belly expands, joints loosen, and our center of balance changes. Most falls do not cause any harm to the baby. If, however, you experience bleeding or serious soreness afterward, or if you landed square on your belly in the second trimester or later, see a doctor to check the placenta for tears. Otherwise just be embarrassed.

Car accidents. While some people will blame their miscarriage on an accident, usually it isn't so. The baby is very well protected in its amniotic fluid, so unless the stomach and uterus is punctured, or the woman undergoes a period of cardiac arrest or without breathing, the baby should survive. Certainly get checked after a car accident, but don't worry too much about miscarriage. It is rare in this case.

Lifting something heavy. This caution is really for women who can cause a placental tear in the second or third trimester. This does not necessarily mean a miscarriage, and usually if you feel terrible pains later, it just means that you strained one of the round ligaments holding your uterus in place. A little rest will be all that is needed. If you have bleeding, however, it is time to get a sonogram just to be sure you didn't pull a bit of the placenta away, although this will almost always heal itself without incident.

BUT!

Yes, I know. You started bleeding right after sex, or right after a workout. Or your baby died the day after the car accident, or the checkup at the hospital after you fell down showed no heartbeat. These things MUST have caused the miscarriage, because babies don't just die, right?

WRONG.

Babies do just die. Over half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal factors that are completely out of our hands. Not preventable. Nothing we can do. The majority of the others are also unrelated to anything we personally did, but some infection that got us, a poorly formed placenta or umbilical cord, a hormone problem, or health condition we didn't know about. Don't let anyone, not even your partner or your mother (or yes, the mother-in-law) tell you this was your fault. It absolutely, positively was not.

Posted by: Bethany at June 7, 2009 11:22 AM


I'm am truly and deeply sorry for everyone who has gone through a miscarriage. I myself have just been through one, and I know how hard it can be. Bethany, Blessing is so beautiful! Some people may think that it's weird, but you can never really understand unless it's happened to you.
I started bleeding and cramping one day, and we went to the ER, and they did blood work, and my hCG level was 123. And they did an ultrasound, but they claimed that they couldn't tell me what they saw. Then when I got home around 2am, I passed something that kinda looked like a clot, but I had a gut feeling and I knew that it was my baby. I was only 5 weeks along. Then they didn't tell me at the hospital if it was a miscarriage or not. So I needed to see an ObGyn 2 days later to get my levels checked again, and they had gone up to 136, but they still couldn't tell if it was a miscarriage or not. Then I had to wait 2 more days later to get them rechecked, and they told me yesterday that I did indeed miscarry. The levels had fallen to 126. It's hard to explain how you could love someone that you have never met and know nothing about. But it's my baby, and no matter what, you'll always love the baby. I thank you for letting me share my story because it's really helped me to cope. It's still hard, but my husband and I are looking forward to trying again and hopefully everything works out.
You're such a strong person, and my God bless you and strengthen you during these difficult times. I really like what 'His Man' said, "your baby is in the arms of a loving God and will never suffer again. No tears, no pain, no death, to be fully clothed in a glorified body, a beautiful body we can't imagine this side of heaven. And you will see your baby someday and together you will walk in the gardens and live in the mansion the Lord has prepared for you both to enjoy, forever. I know this is true without a shadow of a doubt. it's difficult to understand God in these situations, however, it is not our right to question. We are only to trust in an infinitely loving God who ultimately loves us unconditionally." I copied that saying an printed it out. It really touched my heart, and I aslo know that to be true. I will always carry this saying around with me wherever I go. Hope all is well, and thank you again.
Love In Christ,
islandbaby012

Posted by: islandbaby012 at June 18, 2009 11:57 AM


Islandbaby, thank you so much for your kind words. I hope that you have found healing and grace since your loss. (hugs)

Posted by: Bethany at June 22, 2009 9:13 PM