Here's an email I received today:
I was adopted at birth in 1963, when abortion was illegal. Supposedly I should be "pro-life" because the odds are I would have been aborted. But I am very much in favor of abortion.When a child is born to two parents, that child is something like them. In cases of adoption this is not necessarily the case. Adoption can turn out well but it can also become a nightmare for all concerned....
In my own case, my parents were nothing like me and my childhood was a nightmare. I was adopted by a couple who could not have children, my mother had a tumor on her pituitary and she had female problems. She did not have a period until she was 38 and nearly bled to death.But the reason for my adoption and that of my younger brother was to hold what had become an untenable marriage together.
My father was a decent man but horribly immature, and his thinking was very much different from mine. He never understood me at all, and he died from cancer feeling that I considered him an idiot. My mother was inclined to use my brother and I as weapons against him for his "philandering" and often was emotionally abusive. I thought of strangling or stabbing her but the fear of going to prison and the shame of having to face members of my extended family, who I felt understood and respected me, for an act like that deterred me.
She encouraged my brother to dress up in girls' clothes and play house because she really did want a girl and my father wouldn't consent to adopt a third child. He is a flagrant homosexual today who has been severely beaten by homosexual lovers and has attempted suicide.
Today I am living a normal life as best as I can but I have issues. I weigh over 350 lbs. and have had only fleeting relationships with women. I can only find work in call center jobs because I do not have a college degree and there are no manufacturing jobs where I live.
It's true that had my mother been fertile she could have had two children who could be equally dysfunctional, but I doubt either would have had the problems I had with my father. The sad fact is that adoption was a failure in our cases and had we been terminated the effect would have been exactly the same as had we not been conceived.
Two years ago I received a phone call from a private detective asking public information about me and saying that he was calling because my birthmother was trying to get in touch with me. He had my DOB and city and the fact I was adopted and where I was born, which agreed with the records, and asked if I would like to meet my birthmother. I told him that he had probably made a mistake since I knew who my birthmother was, and that she had passed away some time ago, and that the adoption was an in-family affair. Therefore, probably his adoptee was still out there. It was not true, but it was what I had rehearsed if I ever were so contacted, and I never heard back from him. I have no desire to ever met my birthmother: I frankly hope she dies, or I do, before I ever get the chance.
You probably think I am a terrible person. Perhaps I am. But all I know is that adoption is not always the answer. Sometimes it's a disaster for all concerned. I often think that had I been adopted by some other couple I would have had a happier life and had my parents had a different child they would have had less problems as well. Perhaps, and perhaps not.
I encouraged the writer to check back here for comments and participate in the dialogue. I hope he does.
My thoughts.
I'm terribly sorry for J's upbringing. My understanding, however, is that his scenario is increasingly rare, particularly thanks to open adoptions. It seems to me J is advocating death for millions of children because of his situation.
Is J saying he wishes he had never been born? I think so, a certain sign of depression and sense of worthlessness.
And how many children in biological homes, wanted or not, receive equal or worse treatment at the hands of their parents? How do we know?
It seems J's solution is to guess which homes will be bad and kill the children before arriving.
And is it right to kill for fear a child will have a hard life? Is that the solution? Kill the victim? And do hard lives always end badly? Is that our call?
[Artwork, "Hard Life" is courtesy of Laura Leiden Originals]
Comments:
It's always easy to be in favor of abortion, when you aren't the one being killed.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 9:00 AMWhat an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Can't you tell this man is hurting?
Posted by: Leah at September 13, 2007 9:21 AMAs most of you know, I was adopted.
I also found my birth parents.
My birth mother was also adopted.
My birth father got another woman pregnant at the same time he got my mother pregnant with me. The other woman (who subsequently became his second wife, and they remained childless) aborted her child, my half-sibling, and my birth mother (obviously) gave birth (to me)...
While I might not have been aware of the circumstances at the time, (being a nonsentient, non-person), I am certainly aware of them now, and very grateful for the choice of my birth mother.
Otherwise, I couldn't be here at Jill's arguing with all you fine people. (Which might be YOUR choice, but not mine. lol)
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2007 9:25 AMDog biscuit for Jaspers quote...
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2007 9:26 AMAwwwww, MK, I'm glad your birth mom made the choice she did. I am all for ALL KINDS of choice.
:-)
Posted by: JKeller at September 13, 2007 9:27 AMThanks JK,
But I on the other hand, have a dead sister...
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2007 9:38 AMI've got my violin out. J, welcome to the club! Do you think that life has been a bed of peaches and cream for me? Do something about your situation. I'm insensitive? This man is wishing death on someone. That's a no no!! Maybe that's a bit harsh, but I think perhaps you have underlying issues. You are old enough, and you need to stop placing blame on others. It's called growing up.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 9:40 AMAlso, suggesting that unborn children be put to death, is an incredibly selfish thing to say.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 9:42 AMJ, one more thing. I know of plenty of people who have had similar experiences with their birth parents. Your mother made your brother dress up in women's clothing? Did she do it to you? I'm not getting that. I know a homosexual in an abusive relationship who's birth parents handed him everything on a silver platter. They have begged him to leave, and they have promised to help him out if he does. He is making his own choice to stay. On top of that, he is HIV+. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 9:51 AMJ,
I am wondering if it has occured to you that you still have time to live, you are not a child anymore, you are responsible for your life here on out now. Are you really going to give up and let your adoptive mother win? Try getting angry instead of despairing!!! I am also wondering if it has occured to you that you can still know what it is like to be loved by your mother, the ball is in your court. Obviously you can tell her to go to hell if you want, but don't you even wonder? I would. I don't think you are a horrible person I think you are a very depressed person who can still change things if he wants to. It will be extremely hard and exhausting but if you want it bad enough you will just do it! You will "fall off the wagon" but you will get back on as many times as it takes, now get up and go start your life!!! :)
PS. Feel free to open up a dialogue here, most of us are really nice people.
Posted by: Rosie at September 13, 2007 10:30 AMJ, sorry about the violin comment. You do seem depressed. I missed the obvious, and, I'm sorry. Rosie, your post was excellent! J. Please forgive me, and please join us.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 10:41 AMHeather,
Doh, garsh thanks!
Dear Guy in Pain,
I'm sorry that you had such a miserable childhood. I had a childhood straight out of a Stephen King novel (albeit in my birth family) so I understand the long standing pain that a bad childhood can bring.
That said, there is no life without suffering. The question is, do we let the suffering crush us, or do we redeem it and turn it into something worthwhile?
Right now it seems your pain is crushing you, and you can't see anything redemptive in it. I pray that the Holy Spirit will reach into your life and turn that around. May you find the joy that comes in seeing your own hurt turned into healing, not just for yourself but for beloved others in your life.
Posted by: Christina at September 13, 2007 10:57 AMYou guys are being terrible.
J, dear, are you seeing a therapist? I would highly recommend it. Childhood trauma seems to be negatively effecting your self-esteem and motivation. What happened to you as a child was out of your control, and you still feel out of control today. Therapy can help you take control of your life and pull yourself above what your parents put you through. I'm so very sorry that you had to go through that.
Posted by: Erin at September 13, 2007 12:43 PMA really disproportionately large number of serial killers are adoptees.
We have a very expensive and intense private program for dysfunctional young adults in my town. One of the counselors told me that fully 50% of the people in the program are adoptees.
I couldn't hope to explain it, but I have to wonder if the disconnect doesn't do profound damage to some people. (The numbers of birth mothers who suffer from emotion and mental disease is disturbing...)
Posted by: Laura at September 13, 2007 12:54 PMLaura, perhaps that particular tid bit (serial killers) could have been left unsaid.
J, I too had a "childhood from hell", though it was at the hands of my birthmother. She had wanted to abort me, but for reasons unknown to me did not. However, as crappy as it was, I am still so thankful to have not been killed.
I didn't always feel this way. A few years ago I felt exactly how you do, and really thought everything would have been better if I had been aborted.
Finally, I decided that I wasn't going to let my mother affect me any longer. I pretty much cut ties. I *did* go through therapy, and it helped. I hated it with a firey passion at the time, but I'm glad now that I did it.
Know that we're here, and we don't think you're a horrible person. Life is hard, but as someone else said, you're young and have a lot of time ahead of you. 30 is the new 20 and all that jazz. As cliche as it sounds, it's never too late to start over.
Posted by: lauren at September 13, 2007 1:33 PMMy childhood wasn't the greatest either. My brother and I were pretty much latchkey kids. My parents divorced. My parents did try the best they could, but I always suffered from an empty feeling.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 2:15 PMHa, I feel for him. I know my birth mother and have a wonderful father (although I dont share his genes), and my bilogical father is an ass. Yet, I still wish I'd never been born at times.
Posted by: midnite678 at September 13, 2007 2:15 PMJ, you are not a terrible person.
You write well, and there is great and moving sadness in your e-mail.
[gulp] A little choked-up here.
Very easy for most of us to say what we do, here, but I think Erin and Lauren are right on. The rest of your life is yours, and you are not powerless in making yourself happy.
Best,
Doug
Posted by: Doug at September 13, 2007 3:43 PMHa, I feel for him. I know my birth mother and have a wonderful father (although I dont share his genes), and my bilogical father is an ass. Yet, I still wish I'd never been born at times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Perhaps if you committed some serial killings you'd feel better. I've been thinking about it myself...
One of the counselors told me that fully 50% of the people in the program are adoptees.
Now there's a reliable source if I ever heard one.
(The numbers of birth mothers who suffer from emotion and mental disease is disturbing...)
This you accept, but you deny Post Abortion Syndrome...okaaaaay...
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2007 4:42 PMMK, apparantly surgery can lead to PTSD, and childbirth can lead to PTSD, but magically a surgery that ends in a (dead) child being born can not Go figure.
Posted by: lauren at September 13, 2007 4:55 PMOoooooooooh!
Looky what I found!
A site dedicated to woman emotionally and physically abused by the evil, greedy adoption industry:
http://www.exiledmothers.com/babies_taken_for_adoption/ely.html
Posted by: Laura at September 13, 2007 5:02 PMLaura, I read the story on the main page and it was tragic. Those "sent-away" mothers sound very similar to the mothers of today who feel that they have no choice but to adopt.
Young mothers need support to raise their children. Sending them away failed, and abortion has failed. Instead, we shoud help give them the resources they need.
Posted by: lauren at September 13, 2007 6:22 PM"I have no desire to ever met my birthmother: I frankly hope she dies, or I do, before I ever get the chance."
I've got a true story for you, J.
My father was born out of wedlock. His father was driven out of sight by my great-grandfather who threatened to kill him if he ever came by again. Given the reputation my great-grandfather had for being a hateful, abusive man, my grandfather hit the road to save his life.
He came back briefly to see my dad as a newborn, but left to save life again. When he came back to the old neighborhood to see his son, he was lied to and told that mother and infant had left the island and know one knew where they went. Heartbroken, he prayed to God for two things: A) to keep his son safe and B)that one day he would be able to see his son again.
Fast forward fifty-two years later. By an amazing series of events, father and son were reunited (with me present). Emotional is truly an understatement of what took place at that reunion.
Throughout his whole life, my pop had absolutely no desire to find out where or who his dad was. Being told by so many relatives that the man was a lazy deadbeat didn't help the matter. So naturally, he was content to just continue living his life without him.
Turns out, we discovered some incredible things:
Grandpa eventually married and just last month celebrated his 60th wedding anniversary.
He has 8 children, all of whom we have had the pleasure of meeting and still maintain contact.
For the 52 years in which there was no contact, he had attempted several times to locate his son, but to no avail.
He always reminded his children that they had an older brother whom they had yet to meet.
He's an extremely devout man in love with the Lord.
Having the opportunity to meet and converse at length with grandpa, alot of questions were answered and so many things "made sense" once we saw the bigger picture.
---------
The moral of this story? While it is totally understandable for you not wanting to meet birthmom, there's always that possibility that it may turn out to be providential. Not every encounter ends with a happy ending (take MK's experience for instance), but we won't know until we venture down that path.
I second the general sentiment to seek appropriate counseling and not give your past permission to smear your future.
Peace to you, J.
Laura:
You've seriously got ISSUES. Why in the hell would I want to go on a serial spree like you suggested? Grow up and act your damn age for once.
Posted by: midnite678
at September 13, 2007 9:27 PMLaura:
You've seriously got ISSUES. Why in the hell would I want to go on a serial spree like you suggested? Grow up and act your damn age for once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was humor.
Did you really believe that I would send someone on a serial killing spree?
Isn't it time for your medication?
(Run, boyfriend, RUN!)
MK, apparantly surgery can lead to PTSD, and childbirth can lead to PTSD, but magically a surgery that ends in a (dead) child being born can not Go figure.
No, Lauren, some women do have PTSD after having an abortions, though it's exceedingly prevalent that they had problems before becoming pregnant as well.
Doug
Posted by: Doug at September 14, 2007 5:27 AMCarder, thank you for relating the story of your grandfather. I love stuff like that.
Best,
Doug
Posted by: Doug at September 14, 2007 5:30 AMJ
Planned and wanted children living with natural parents have described lives as troubled as yours. Who among us can honestly say they had an idyllic childhood? My father was mentally ill and alcoholic. Talk about a minefield. You know what, you deal with it, get the help you need, and move on.
You are obviously a deeply troubled man. Have you considered counselling? Do you think forever dwelling on the past, and not the past itself, is what is devastating you?
Look at what you have now. Is you physical health, other than obesity, good? If it is be thankful. Obesity can be helped. You sound like a man with normal mental capacity. Great. Already you have much going for you. No college degree, so what. Check into job training programs, scholarships, or technical schools. Good jobs aren't going to find you, you have to make the effort.
Please J, start taking control of your life and stop being a victim. Good luck to you J.
Laura,
50% of the people in the program for dysfunctional adults are adoptees. That means 50% are not. This proves what?
Posted by: Mary at September 14, 2007 10:04 AMDoug,
Since you like these old stories, I have another one for you, at the risk of boring everyone else on this thread.
Around the turn of the century it was common practice to feed strangers who came to your door and asked for food. My great grandmother, who lived in Michigan, was no exception.
Her daughters, who were my grandmother and great aunt, walked into their mother's kitchen and were aghast to see a black man eating at her dinner table. To say the least, this was certainly not an era of racial tolerance and black people in a white person's home was unheard of, much less at their dinner table!
My grandmother and her sister could not resist ribbing their mother, in German of course, about her "black boyfriend".
My great grandmother said nothing, only indicated that her daughters were to follow her into the living room, which they did. She then slapped them both across the face, and shaking a very firm finger under their noses said "hunger hurts, no matter what color you are". She then returned to her kitchen to be certain her guest had had enough to eat.
A really disproportionately large number of serial killers are adoptees.
Laura, do you pull these comments out of your a**?
Posted by: Tony at September 14, 2007 11:23 AMNo, I pull tham out of the a**es of qualified researchers:
http://www.amfor.net/killers/intro.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ninety-eight percent of all homicides are committed by men; 98% of all serial killers and mass murderers are men (Jack Levin, PhD, Criminologist, Northeastern University). In FBI statistics, 76% of the world's serial killers are in the United States; 90% are male. An incredible over-representation of serial killers are adoptees. Most adoptees who kill, as well as adoptees incarcerated for other crimes, were adopted at birth. In a study of "Serial Killers" on Internet by Dr. Mike Aamodt, Radford University, 14% of (225) serial killers are adopted.
The FBI estimates 500 serial killers currently in the U.S; about 80 or 16% have been identified as adoptees. Since adoptees represent only 2-3% (5-10-million) of the general population, 16% that are serial killers is an overrepresentation compared to the general population. http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/foiaindex_s.htm
Serial killers have been a fascination for forensic psychologists who profile killers by their crime scenes. Separating this group from other adoptees who kill is the fact that they kill strangers. Researchers have noted that, "to an adoptee, everyone is a stranger." Dr. David Kirschner told a New York Times reporter, "I've personally been involved in 12 cases of adoptees who have killed... including a tiny but significant group who become serial killers. And while many undergo therapy, unfortunately, there is barely ever a mention of the impact adoption has on their lives. It's a subject no one ever wants to talk about, particularly adoptive families."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For further information, see article, "Killer Adoptees: Don't Shoot the Messenger" at: http://www.amfor.net/messenger.html
AmFOR's comments about actual outcomes of "Famous Adoptees" listed at the pro-Open Adoption site at http://www.adoptionopen.com/famousadoptions.html can be found at http://AmFOR.net/FamousAdoptees.
Posted by: Laura at September 14, 2007 1:28 PM
Thanks JK,
But I on the other hand, have a dead sister...
Posted by: mk at September 13, 2007 9:38 AM
******************
care to explain how you know it was a 'sister'?
I think its heartbreaking any time someone has a disasterous childhood but with an adoptee it's worse because they cant help but think 'things could be different if I was with my real parents'. My aunt 'couldnt have children' so she adopted a little girl, about 5 months old. A couple of years later she had a daughter. The adoptee always felt like she was somehow 'less' than her sister. I dont know what their home life was like since we didnt live close to each other. But I know she always felt inferior and inadequate. There is no way of knowing how she would have felt if she had stayed with her birth mother but she didnt have a happy childhood.
Posted by: TexasRed at September 14, 2007 1:44 PMIt's always easy to be in favor of abortion, when you aren't the one being killed.
Posted by: Heather at September 13, 2007 9:00 AM
**********************************************
How predictably hateful ....
The Facts & Stats
While many factors come into play with regard to criminal behaviors, the fact of the adoption, and Adopted Child Syndrome is purposely overlooked at trial because it is "politically incorrect" to explore adoption's negative effects on the adoptee. In FBI statistics, 76% of the world's serial killers are in the United States; 90% are male.
In a study of "Serial Killers" on Internet by Dr. Mike Aamodt, Radford University, 14% of (225) serial killers are adopted.
The FBI estimates 500 serial killers currently in the U.S; about 80 or 16% have been identified as adoptees. Since government stats indicate adoptees represent "only 2-3% (5-10-million) of the general population," 16% that are serial killers is an "over-representation" compared to the general population. http://foia.fbi.gov/foiaindex/serialkiller.htm
Most adoptees who kill were adopted at birth.
Serial killers have been a fascination for forensic psychologists who profile killers by their crime scenes. Separating this group from other adoptees who kill is the fact that they kill strangers. Researchers have noted that, "to an adoptee, everyone is a stranger." Dr. David Kirschner told a New York Times reporter, "I've personally been involved in 12 cases of adoptees who have killed... including a tiny but significant group who become serial killers. And while many undergo therapy, unfortunately, there is barely ever a mention of the impact adoption has on their lives. It's a subject no one ever wants to talk about, particularly adoptive families."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For further information, see article, "Killer Adoptees: Don't Shoot the Messenger" at: http://www.amfor.net/messenger.html AmFOR's comments about actual outcomes of "Famous Adoptees" listed at the pro-Open Adoption site at http://www.adoptionopen.com/famousadoptions.html can be found at http://AmFOR.net/FamousAdoptees.
Posted by: Laura at September 14, 2007 2:45 PMTR,
There are any number of us who have had less than idyllic childhoods, be we adoptees or natural children. Feeling inferior and inadequate to a sibling, that's so unusual? There was so much competitiveness in our family between siblings and cousins, and who'd kids did what, that comparisons were frequently made and feelings of inferiority were hard to avoid.
As for adoptees thinking life would be better with their "real parents", I can recall wanting to be adopted by someone else's mother who I thought was the perfect mother. How often have I heard my children say "I wish so and so was my mother"!
What you describe TR is not at all unique to adoptees.
She then slapped them both across the face, and shaking a very firm finger under their noses said "hunger hurts, no matter what color you are". She then returned to her kitchen to be certain her guest had had enough to eat.
Wow, Mary, another great story. And your great-grandmother gets a big tip of the hat from me.
Doug
Posted by: Doug at September 15, 2007 2:06 PM
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.