AskMen.com removes "how to" article on schmoozing a girlfriend to abort

UPDATE, 2:35p: Reader Dwain C., writing, "I love a good challenge," has found the cached article! See it on page 2.
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(Click above to enlarge...)

A week ago intern Andy M. reported on an article in AskMen.com entitled, "Dealing With An Unwanted Pregnancy," a how-to guide on getting one's girlfriend to abort. But if you click on the link you'll see it's now gone, and you're sent to the home page.

This is just too bad. Author Isabella Snow (AskMen.com's "sex ed correspondent") gave such helpful advice as...

When you're ready to share your opinion, you'll want to use a calm, steady tone. You'll also want to take care with your word choice; pregnant women tend to feel like they're carrying someone, as opposed to something, even if she is just a month or so pregnant.

You can't just talk about having an abortion the same way you'd talk about having a cavity filled. Sensitivity is key. Toss words like "it" around too many times, and she's going to start feeling like she needs to defend "it" from you. If you want her to really listen to you, paraphrase her own word usage.

It's interesting that AskMen.com apparently has some sense of belated shame, although it's more likely a concern for PR.

You can still find dead end links like the 1 below by typing the title of the piece in the AskMen.com's search, but you'll end up back on the home page (click to enlarge)....

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If someone can find the actual cached article, that would be great. Found, thanks, Dwain! See below.

Pro-lifer Dennis Dillard of Central IL Right to Life found it reposted on Facebook and sent it to me in a Word document. You can read it below.

[HT: Dave Andrusko at National Right to Life]

From Askmen.Com online magazine
July 2009
"Dealing with an unwanted pregnancy"
By Isabella Snow - Sex Education Correspondent

An unplanned and unwanted pregnancy can dramatically affect an otherwise loving long-term relationship. Some men rejoice, but others simply aren't ready to be fathers. If they discussed the possibility and specifics at the start of the relationship, he may hope she's going to stick to the original plan and terminate the pregnancy. And she might -- but for some women, getting pregnant can start clocks ticking and make them suddenly want to be mothers, despite previous agreements.

In either case, the final decision is hers, which means she has ultimate say in whether or not you become a father. This can put tremendous stress on a relationship, particularly if you don't want to have a child, but don't want to lose the girl, either. While you can't force her to do your bidding, you can get her to consider your wants and desires if you approach her correctly. After all, your life could be drastically altered by her decision, which certainly entitles you to speak your mind you just need to take care with the presentation.

Read on for tips on dealing with an unwanted pregnancy.

Ask her what she thinks

Even if you're certain you don't want be a father, the first step in dealing with an unwanted pregnancy is to find out where your woman stands; she's going to have a lot on her mind and she'll probably express most of it freely. Letting her talk it out before giving your own opinions shows that you care about her -- and that's extremely important right now. If she thinks otherwise, she'll write you off as being selfish and place far less value on your opinion.
Prenatal prep: If possible, have this conversation at home while sitting together on the sofa. This will provide enough intimacy to prevent any feelings of sudden distance, and since you're sitting side by side, the reduced eye contact will make it easier for her to speak openly.

Tell her what you think

When you're ready to share your opinion, you'll want to use a calm, steady tone. You'll also want to take care with your word choice; pregnant women tend to feel like they're carrying someone, as opposed to something, even if she is just a month or so pregnant.
You can't just talk about having an abortion the same way you'd talk about having a cavity filled. Sensitivity is key. Toss words like "it" around too many times, and she's going to start feeling like she needs to defend "it" from you. If you want her to really listen to you, paraphrase her own word usage.

Prenatal prep: Try using words like "we" and "our" when discussing the situation. This will make her less defensive and more open to hearing your opinion.

Be honest

This is not the time to sugarcoat your true feelings. If you don't want to be a father, you have every right to come out and say so. You don't have the right to berate her in the process and you should be kind, but you don't need to understate anything. Fatherhood will last for the rest of your life; if you're not going to be able to cope with that, you need to make it clear so she can factor it into her decision-making process.

Prenatal prep: When giving your opinion, use phrases like "I need" instead of "I want." This will be easier for her to process on an emotional level, and will also sound less demanding.

Give good reasons for your opinion

Once you've given your opinion, back it up with good reasons. Don't just tell her you don't want to be a father; some women aren't going to consider that a good enough reason to have an abortion. A new baby means significant life changes: Food, diapers, medical care -- these things cost money you may not have. Who's going to care for the baby while you're working? Will you have to move to a new home? Will you have to sell your Harley and get a station wagon? These things may sound like normal changes in the life of a new parent, but if you don't want to be a new parent, these changes can be pretty overwhelming.

Prenatal pros: Take care that you don't come across as whiny. These changes are significant, but you don't want to make it sound like you'll be more affected than she will.
Don't make threats
Blaming a woman for getting pregnant, or threatening to end a relationship, rarely gets positive results. This is a gamble you'd be better off avoiding; if it works, she's bound to resent you for it down the road, and your relationship will suffer in one form or another. You may view this as welcome alternative to fatherhood, but the threat is actually just as likely to lead straight to it. If a woman is undecided about her pregnancy, being ordered to end it could result in a desire to prove that she can have a baby if she wants to. Neither of these scenarios is rational, and both are likely to result in extreme bitterness.

Prenatal pros: If you feel the need to make strong declarations, use words like "can't" instead of "won't."

Don't withdraw

As difficult as this situation is, it's in your best interest to be there while she's struggling through it. She needs your emotional support or she could wind up feeling isolated to the point of despair -- and women in despair rarely make rational decisions. If you vanish into thin air, she's bound to assume your relationship is over anyway, which will instantly negate any needs of yours that she may have been considering.

Prenatal pros: You don't have to talk about it 24/7; it's enough to just physically be there when you can, and call her to let her know she's in your thoughts.

Stand by your decision

If you've followed all of these steps and your woman decides to have the baby anyway, this does not mean you're required to get married or move in together. You'll probably want to provide for your child regardless, but if you've been clear about your intentions from the start, you are not obligated to contribute beyond what your conscience and the law expects of you. This was her decision, not yours, and the bulk of the responsibility is now hers.

Prenatal pros: Take a moment to spell this out for her when she gives you the final decision; it may just sway her over to your side.

Cached article, click to enlarge...

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Comments:

Just goes to show, nothing is really lost on the internet! ;)

Posted by: Andy at July 10, 2009 12:18 PM


"This was her decision, not yours, and the bulk of the responsibility is now hers."

Wow, that's just wrong and stupid on so many levels. Even our pro-abort President said fatherhood begins at conception, so this magazine is really has no clue.

Posted by: Adam at July 10, 2009 12:32 PM


Acts of coercion to abort are illegal in some states.

Posted by: carla Author Profile Page at July 10, 2009 12:40 PM


Way to support your sisters, Isabella!

What shameless betrayal.

And for all those would-be dads who,
"simply aren't ready to be fathers."

Guess what - you already are a father.

You'll just be the father of a dead baby, if you heed this
"advice"!

No hugs, kisses, fishing trips or bike rides with your child
should you force your main squeeze to suck your tiny one into a sink.

Posted by: Leslie Hanks at July 10, 2009 12:51 PM


I about this article when you first posted about it.

Much of the text is there too.

Posted by: Pansy Moss at July 10, 2009 12:56 PM


I'm glad Askmen took it down. It really was a disgusting article. I have a feeling there were some feminists who were upset by the article as well.

Posted by: Lauren at July 10, 2009 1:21 PM


I went to this article and posted a comment and from what I remember, I noticed that the article was posted a year ago.

Posted by: pro-lifer at July 10, 2009 2:31 PM


Thank you for posting this, Jill.

This gives a whole new (twisted) meaning to the phrase "Freedom isn't free," no?

Keep up the great work!

Posted by: Deirdre McQ at July 10, 2009 2:35 PM


...and I just found an almost identical same text on "eHow.com"

It must have been posted thing sometime before the January 09 comment -- so who really is responsible for the content? I wouldn't be surprised if it came from yet another source and it's been making its way around less publicly...

http://www.ehow.com/how_4735720_deal-unwanted-pregnancy.html

Posted by: Deirdre McQ at July 10, 2009 2:55 PM


The August/September 2009 issue of “FIRST THINGS” has an article by Richard Stith entitled ‘HER CHOICE, HER PROBLEM - How Abortion Empowers Men’. The final paragraphs summarize the situation as follows:

“Elective abortion changes everything. Abortion absolutely prevents the birth of a child. A woman’s choice for or against abortion breaks the causal link between conception and birth. It matters little what or who caused conception or whether the male insisted on having unprotected intercourse. It is she alone who finally decides whether the child comes into the world. She is the responsible one. For the first time in history, the father, and the doctor, and the health-insurance actuary can point a finger at her as the person who allowed an inconvenient human being to come into the world.

The deepest tragedy may be that there is no way out. By granting to the pregnant woman an unrestrained choice over who will be born, we make her alone to blame for how she exercises her power. Nothing can alter the solidarity-shattering impact of the abortion option.”

1. No wonder the Playboy Foundation has been a diligent promoter and defender of abortion-on-demand.

2. A social order which builds this destructive principle into its foundations is digging its own grave; in due time it will be replaced by a new order built by the heirs of parents who valued their progeny as investments in the future and not as inconvenient liabilities that can be flushed down the sewer at will.

Posted by: Ridge Runner at July 11, 2009 12:16 PM


Ridge Runner,
That quote just boke my heart in pieces. When I got preggo everyone blamed me, me, me! I was 15 an uneducated....my boyfriend (now hubby) was 17 and uneducated...we both were at fault yet I took that blame on a daily basis. That quote gave me a little in sight as to how some people think.

Posted by: AK Krystal at July 11, 2009 12:27 PM


I'm glad Askmen took it down. It really was a disgusting article. I have a feeling there were some feminists who were upset by the article as well.

Posted by: Lauren at July 10, 2009 1:21 PM

Only, they are upset for the wrong reasons, Lauren. They are upset because this PROVES that abortion is not the empowering liberator they claim it to be, but a tool used by men to manipulate women and devalue them as sex objects and their children as inconvenient bits of flesh to be disposed of as they would yesterday's trash.

Posted by: xalisae at July 11, 2009 12:48 PM