Stanek weekend question from teen: How do you handle insults?
I received the following email this week and given permission to ask all of you this brave pro-life teen’s question:
Ho. I’m a proud fifteen year old pro-life Jesus Freak named ____. I just want to say God bless you for your work saving babies. Also how do you handle when you get yelled at and called evil for being pro-life? Someone insulted me and called me evil and stupid and un-Christian. What’s the best way to deal with it?
Your suggestions?
May.04, 2013 9:38 am |
Weekend question |
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
Calmly say,”Thank you,” and leave it at that, then pray silently. That way you have acknowledged they have been heard but refuse to engage. There is no way to verbally defend yourself, but take the rest of the untrue insults like Christ did during his Passion: silently.
Say, I respect the dignity of all life, even yours. Woe to those who call good evil and evil good. I will pray for you.
I am also a teenager and get this sort of response all of the time. I always prefer to respond to challenges using logic and pro-life apologetics. However, when the barrier of the challenger is emotional and/or psychological instead of logical (as in the case you mentioned, often characterized by name-calling, profanity, and no real argument), the best response is to pray for them. And that is no small thing. Pray for them as often as you remember. Write it down if you have to. If you’re Catholic or Orthodox, I highly recommend bringing it to adoration. If you are some other Christian denomination, read the Bible and meditate on it, especially the Psalms and the Gospels, that that person’s heart and mind may be opened to Christ and His Love. God gave each of us reason and a will with which to freely choose to follow or reject Him. If one chooses not to reason with logic, then there is nothing you can really say to get your point across. You can tell them that you will pray for them if you want, but that will often make you seem self-righteous in their eyes. The key is not to let their words fling you into an emotional state, as that is bringing you down to their level. Remain calm, logical, and pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to give you the words to say and actions to carry out. We have the ability to cooperate with God, but we have to let Him work in us.
Dear Proud Fifteen year old Pro-Life Jesus Freak,
I absolutely LOVE the characteristics in which you describe yourself!! Someone I considered wise once told me the worst thing you could do when you were under attack is to become defensive. By that I mean, entering into their attacks by explaining why you are NOT evil, why you ARE a Christian, etc. Secondly, don’t play their game of shooting back at them why evil or not a Christian because of their beliefs. That will just add fuel to the fire and inflame the conversation.
You must enter the battle spiritually armed. I had no idea at the age of 15, or 25, or maybe even later the concept of spiritual warfare. In the Bible in Ephesians it tells us “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Pray daily for the Lord to give you His words in these confrontations. And speak what you believe in love! Love covers a multitude of sins. And before you respond, always take a breath to pray and gather your thoughts.
I am a 50+ year old woman who works in healthcare and in my line of work, I must deal with this topic often. It is STILL hard for me. Every day I ask the Lord to have people see Him when the look & listen to me. I mess up often.
I love your heart! Stay strong! Keep the faith! Oh, one more thing… Read all you can read on the topic. Know why you believe what you believe!
Thanks for the advice so far. :) I really appreciate it.
Oh! In my response above I meant to say when you are under attack DON’T become defensive! Typing too fast!!! :)
I no longer engage with that kind of behavior. I allow the screeching and pointing and middle fingers and spittle to fly. And I smile at them. And I stand. I stand with the truth of my I Regret My Abortion sign.
I do pray for them though but to try and argue with someone so irrational won’t go anywhere.
If they calm down? Yay!! An adult conversation! :)
God bless you Ashley. You are called. God is with you when you stand against the evil of abortion.
I would be proud to stand with you!!
Looking at the photo of the woman above.
There is no meaningful dialogue that can be had with that.
In addition to everything that has already been said, I would add that Gianna Jessen says she knows she’s doing/saying something right when she receives such taunts and insults. If you were ineffective, they’d ignore you.
Most importantly, Jesus told us that we would be persecuted and insulted for His sake. (Matthew 5:11-12).
When that happens, know that you are doing the Lord’s work, respond as others here have suggested, and pray for them and yourself (to behave in a Christ-like way, etc).
That much rage typically is a covering for a lot of pain.
The person needs the Holy Spirit. You can do two things at once:
1. Pray that the Holy Spirit bring healing to the person.
2. Help to let the person uncover the pain at his/her own pace.
So while you pray, you start asking gentle questions:
“Please explain to me why you feel that way?”
“I’m not sure I understand you. Are you saying …..?” (Reflective listening to see if you really understood what the person is saying.)
Example, “Jesus would never just attack people!” “I want to make sure I understand you — are you telling me that you feel as if I was attacking you?”
Sooner or later the person will probably get to where the pain is. They had an abortion, or their sister or wife or friend or daughter or mom. While not condoning the decision, you can say things like, “That sounds like a really painful/difficult situation.”
Let them run their course. Your main job is to pray. The letting them open the source of the hurt is something they might do on their own.
How is it that one meme is that we want to force our (generally Christian) religious views on others and another meme is that the pro-life view is unchristian?
“Your foul words are a mirror to your soul. And yet Jesus would redeem you anyway. You only need to ask.”
Looking at the photo of the woman above. There is no meaningful dialogue that can be had with that.
That’s one of the ugliest sneers I’ve ever seen.
LL
Hello, first I have to say congrats! I first became prolife when I was 15 (I’m 18 now) I know how hard it can be sometimes. And the situation you asked about is one of the hardest things about being prolife, the fact is sometimes people don’t want to listen and they just yell. If it is a random person doing the yelling there is not much you can do, you can speak firmly and calmly, but never lose your cool (silent prayer helps a lot). If it is someone you know personally, I have found that the best thing you can do is say, “hey, no need to yell, were not kids”, don’t forget to smile (if you do that they know that yelling is not really helping their augment) . Try really hard to be sympathetic and caring when you talk, but when you have to, be blunt. I have found that this is a skill that takes time and practice. This seems silly, but I stand in front of the mirror and rehearse different conversations so I am as prepared a I possibly can be when the time comes to talk. Never forget why you are doing this, there will be times when you think “its not worth it, its not my problem, maybe I’m the one that’s wrong”, the only thing you can do is pray, research, and seek counsel from a strong prolife person. We will see the end of this, it will stop, we must do every thing in our power to accomplish this.
This reminded me of a lovely story about Mother Teresa:
One day Mother Teresa went to a local bakery to ask for bread for the starving children in the orphanage. The baker, outraged at people begging for bread from him, spat in her face and refused. Mother Teresa calmly took out her handkerchief, wiped the spit from her face and said to the baker, “Okay, that was for me. Now what about the bread for the orphans?” The baker, shamed by her response, gave her the bread she wanted.
The person who is shouting at us and insulting us is under spiritual attack by the demons. We should feel pity and pray for the person. Difficult, yes, but necessary.
Ashley,
It is hard sometimes to be called names. We naturally want and desire to be liked. But Jesus warned us they hated Him first and that we are blessed if we are persecuted for His sake. So I will just echo what everyone else said. Stay calm, stay LOVING and heap coals of fire on their head by being sweet in return and pray for them. They call names because they have no real defense for their position and they know it. Your stand for life and for Jesus pricks their consciences. It is a good thing actually…it means they still have a conscience that can be pricked.
I get this kind of accusation a lot because of my research on live births from ectopic pregnancies. My usual response is to very calmly direct the conversation toward the Scriptures. You see, in order for someone to say that what we do is evil, they must first have some sort of understanding of what evil is, so my goal is to discover if their definition of evil lines up with the definition found in the Bible. If so, then I can work from that common ground to show them that it is the abortionists who violate this definition of evil. If they do not share the biblical definition of evil, then I transfer into apologetics mode and use further questions to demonstrate that their understanding of good and evil is self-contradictory.
I would like to share an example of my response to being called evil for my pro-life views, but I do not have any of those particular conversations posted online at the moment. I do, however, have a discussion in which I was called evil for my views on homosexuality, and I used the same method in that discussion that I use in my pro-life discussions. You can read that conversation at:
http://www.increasinglearning.com/morality-and-conscience.html
I second what Carla said. I stand with men and women. Different races and people of different religions or none at all. My pastor said “If you argue with a fool you become one.” I don’t curse back. Let the fingers and the f*** yous fly. The only time I respond is generally when someone is in my space. I stand with women from SNM and we have formed a bonding. Smiling at them just kills them. My sign does all the talking for me. I’ve seen the hysterical pro aborts slam on their breaks to say we are harming children with our signs but when you ask those same women to help you get PP out of the neighborhood suddenly they no longer care about harming or murdering children.
Bless you, Ashley. Never doubt that God loves you, and you are doing His will.
(((())))from Tennessee.
Heather, you remind me of a guy who used to walk with me at our pro-life demonstrations at the courthouse. When we got yells from people and insults out of the windows of passing cars, he would say, “smile at them, it drives them nuts.” A smile is something they can’t answer, and that (maybe) makes them reflect.
God bless you, Ashley and keep up the good work!
Thank you Lori
Don’t let your temper get the best of you. I have trouble not being a jerk to people who insult me, but you just have to take a deep breath and realize that it’s not about you (as long as you are being calm and polite and explaining your views in a nice way). They’re reacting to your message. If you can step back and realize that it’s really not personal, it’s easier to react in a polite way. And reacting to insults in a polite way really throws people for a loop.
Ashley, I have nothing much to add to the many fine responses. But whether you just pray in total silence or make some kind of response with words, or even just try to walk away will depend on the circumstances and the individual. The Holy Spirit knows that person and the circumstances even when you don’t, and He will guide you in what to say or do.
Thank you for your concern for doing the right thing, your commitment to the cause of life, and your courage in the face opposition. You are in my prayers.
Ashley,
As Christina mentioned, the vicious attacks and name-calling usually stem from personal pain. Perhaps it is the pain of an abortion, or a lost child. Perhaps a friend or loved one experienced an abortion. Perhaps it is simply a personal feeling of no self-worth. Usually, a pro-choice individual who does not come to their position from pain is open to healthy dialogue.
I would recommend trying to remind yourself that the other person is also a child of God. Try to find Christ’s image in him or her. Pray, even if the prayer is as simple as just the word, “Jesus”, a request for His presence. Silent prayer makes a huge difference in your personal countenance and your ability to dialogue.
Another thing I try to do is recognize the things and people and experiences that bring them to Christ (whether they see it that way or not). I try to seek out in my conversations the good in their lives that are drawing them to the Lord. Sacrifice, commitment, generosity, patience, etc.
These insights may or may not enter into my dialogue with the other person, if there is a dialogue, but they will help me to see what forms this person, and how Christ exists in him or her. If it does not work in their hearts, it certainly works in mine, and sometimes that is all that you can do. Remember first and foremost, that it is never from you but it is always from The Spirit that conversion comes. If over time, this person changes his or her mind, it will come from a gradual opening of his or her heart, which is the work of God, not the work of you.
Listen to the insults and maybe realize that they have a point and you should change your ways. That’s my suggestion.
Ignore Jake.
Pray for him.
Always pray and never let emotions govern your actions. Beyond that, the type of response depends on the situation. Many more times than we may care to admit, silence is not the best option. When we speak (or not speak) we probably have to consider how the audience or onlookers will be served, just as much as the aggresser him/herself. A factually-based contradiction may be just what they need to hear.
Jesus said “They hated me, so they will hate you.” Like everyone else said…remain calm. Do NOT engage in a “war of words”. Most people who say stuff like that aren’t ready/willing/wanting to listen to you. They just want to tell you that you’re wrong because they have that capacity. If abortion was just fine and dandy it wouldn’t go against the Bible, it wouldn’t go against what is said about marriage and family.
Yes, some people are in difficult situations, but it’s been my experience 2 wrongs (the bad situation + abortion) don’t make a right. Besides, abortion generally doesn’t improve people’s situations, it means they ended the existence of an innocent human being.
P.S. DEFINITELY pray for them. Praying for people doesn’t cost anything and it can’t hurt them. If they say “I’m going to pray for you” Just say “Thank you.” They may make it sound like an insult, but when you sit down and think about it, Jesus said to pray for others.
Your earning your crown of thorns here on earth, and red crown of martrydom in Heaven. You’ve chosen the righteous path, the way of the cross.
HOLYLOVE.ORG
Pray, and pray some more, He is listening.
I made these buttons for pro-lifers: http://crownofthorns.co
I have a hard time with insults, I have been thinking alot about what prayer for our enemies does, because I often times confuse it with associating with these people. Praying for those influenced by evil, invites God’s angels to attack the demons back. Praying for them also puts the prayer warrior on higher ground by hedging our bets on the side of good, and not giving the evil any credit. It is a form not only of denial of the evil attempted, but also an attack on the same evil, killing it in it’s tracks, literally, with kindness and love. Holy Love!
Thanks for all the advice. <3 especially thanks for all the Bible verses and the advice to smile and be honest. And all the compliments and blessings were great. Actually you're all just fantastic in general. Hope ya'll had a great weekend. Sorry I haven't replied sooner my phone is frustratingly stupid
Ashley,
Your generation will make abortion illegal and unthinkable.
Praying for you and your peeps!!!
The unleashed anger at an anonymous prolifer…it’s generally their own heart’s pain. Be kind and pray for them. Not so hard.
But personal social rejection, or the fear of social rejection, this is the biggest scariest thing that keeps lukewarm prolifers off the battlefield. Rejection is much harder when it comes from someone you know and love. Family, peers, co-workers…you have to live with these people. This is why love is the greatest of virtues. You will need all kinds of virtues: patient-kindness, honest-vulnerability.
Ridicule and rejection are effective techniques for keeping weak hearts sidelined and silent. Stay strong by nurturing your soul…give it plenty of the healthy stuff. Victory is not so far away.
Very true and accurate Tommy :) Thanks
Keep focus on the bigger picture which is helping children and babies. Ask God to fill you with His love so that you’re operating in His love towards these people. If you are operating in His love, and forgot to add His spirit which you also have to ask for, then you will love and operate under His power and you will be perfect like your Heavenly Father is perfect and you and your efforts are blessed.
Keep focus on the love chapter while you’re being yelled at or are in those heavy situations. What does it say in the love chapter about love and how to love?
Love is …
patient,
kind,
is not proud,
IS NOT RUDE,
IS NOT EASILY ANGERED,
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth,
it protects,
it trusts,
it hopes,
IT ALWAYS PERSEVERES,
IT NEVER FAILS.
So keep this in mind when you’re being screamed at and being called names since it will help you keep focus.
And lastly remember why you are there. Remember the infant Jesus who the devil wanted to destroy and used Herod to try and do that in killing the children of the land. The enemy of our souls knows he is defeated and each little life in the womb is another reminder of failure and of a possible block in his evil plans. Remember too that the enemy of our souls hates God and we are made in God’s image so the enemy wants to destroy God’s image in the womb. So you’re to focus too on the fact that “we fight not against flesh and blood but the powers and principalities of the air” (Eph. 6:12).
Bless you!