“The shame is unbearable”
UPDATE 3/17, 10:35a: Yesterday was an epiphanal day for our post-abortive friend. I received the following beautiful email from her last night:
Hello Jill,
Carla and I have been in contact and have shared many emails today. Carla has already been so helpful in giving me much information. She informed me you had gone ahead and posted my email on your blog, and I’ve had a chance to read it and the comments.
The only word I can say is overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by all the comments left by your readers. I’ve felt so alone and so ashamed all these years and seeing all the prayers lifting me up have really overwhelmed me. As the saying goes, my cup runneth over. I don’t feel worthy of all those who have left such encouraging comments. I actually thought I would read comment after comment about how awful I am as a person. What I thought would happen is not what I’ve read at all!!
Thank you for sharing my email. I’m humbled you posted it and I’m humbled by the comments. It’s encouraging and has really helped.
Thank you so much!!
What a wonderful, supportive community you all are to those among us who have been hurt by abortion. Thank you, and a special thanks to Carla… :)
3/16, 9:29a: I received this email today. May it help others, as the dear author hopes…
As I’ve read your tweets and your blog, I silently repeat, “Thank you God for this woman’s courage.”
Only one person knows my entire story and that is my current husband. I confessed to him a few years ago when I felt the Holy Spirit rising up inside me to let someone know. I had to tell someone I could trust. With abortion, it’s hard to know who you can trust. The shame is unbearable.
During a particular church service, our pastor had us take a small rock at the beginning of service and during the service he explained the rock was representative of our sin and to imagine carrying that rock everywhere we went, never letting it go. When he encouraged us to bring the rock to the stage and letting go of our sin, I put my rock in my purse. Afterward, when my husband asked why I did that, I explained I had to hold on to it to remember what I had done. I put the rock in our garden. That rock, to me, represented the abortions I had. Yes, plural. Abortions. 3.
I’m a recovering alcoholic, a former narcissist, and now a follower of Jesus Christ. I was born again 10 years ago. I’ve committed sins since that time but the sins I committed in the ’90’s will forever be etched in my heart and cause heartache until I come face to face with God.
The first time I became pregnant was by a guy who I had dated for several months. We had broken up and I found out I was pregnant. He told me I had to have an abortion because he was in college and his dad had these plans for his life and they did not include a child before marriage. We talked about this for several days and I eventually made the appointment and killed my baby.
A year later I became pregnant again and knowing I couldn’t go through what I had done the year prior, I had my daughter who is now a beautiful high school student. Her father and I had dated off and on for a couple of years and it was during one of the “on” times that I became pregnant. He told me he was scared but would be there for me. He wasn’t. Thankfully I had a supportive family and friends who were with me throughout my entire pregnancy and to this day are there for me.
A few years later, I married. During my 4-year marriage, I became pregnant twice. But both times, I was afraid my marriage wouldn’t work and he would leave me and though I could “manage” caring for one child as a single parent, I couldn’t manage having another child. At the time, it wasn’t “convenient.” So, in 4 years of marriage, I had 2 abortions. The first time, my husband took me to the clinic. The second time, I went by myself.
The last abortion had major complications. Not during the procedure, but after. The abortion doctor had not fully removed my baby, “the fetus,” and I started bleeding profusely the evening of the abortion. In a panic, my husband rushed me to the emergency room where the doctors informed me that my baby had been partially aborted, but they would need to remove the rest of the tissue that was left behind. My body, in essence, was aborting what was left of my baby. At the hospital, I felt like I was having another abortion all over again. This time I was fully aware of what I had done and promised God I would never had an abortion again and to forgive me. My marriage ended a year later.
I cry as I write this. I’m not sure why I’m sending you this message to be honest. I just want to encourage you to continue the fight of speaking out against the ones who have no voice. I suffer from depression, have had suicidal thoughts, and the guilt I feel from time to time is overwhelming. I often tell my husband it is so easy for me to forgive others because I know that God has forgiven me, but how do I forgive myself? I’ve read books on forgiving myself and they make sense. But to actually put them into practice takes work. Hard work.
If I could talk to one girl or woman who is considering abortion, I would tell them NO. Stop. The hurt of having an abortion didn’t stop when I got up from the table after the procedure. The pain continues in my heart. Nearly 20 years later, the pain of what I did to my unborn babies is, at times, overwhelming. When I look at my daughter now, I wonder what my other children would look like. Would they have her smile? Would they have her sense of humor? Would they enjoy sports and hanging out at the mall with their friends? I wonder what I would have named them. Would I have a son? Or daughters that argue over clothes and makeup? It’s been almost 18 years since I had my first abortion. 14 years since my second. 12 years since my third. I remember every detail of every one. The pain doesn’t stop. That’s why you, Jill Stanek, must continue to fight! Have courage. Speak up! Don’t stop.
I’ve been married for [ ] years to my second husband. I confessed to him one abortion then a few years later, the entire truth. He has continued to love me.
Please keep my email address anonymous. You may use the words of my email to help encourage others but I prefer not to be recognized, not at this time.
Thank you for all you do and for reading this email. May God bless you beyond your imagination!

Dear Anonymous,
Have you sought post-abortion counseling?
thank you so much for sharing this. i will keep her in my prayers that she may be able to transform her pain into purpose. so many women can identify with her. thanks so much again.
Thank you Jill for posting this and God bless you to the one who wrote it. I apologize if this seems like a blog plug, it’s not, but I wrote this from my heart for women who can’t forgive themselves and I just hope it helps.
http://www.acceptingabundance.com/2011/03/can-mother-forget-her-infant.html
What a beautiful testimony! Yet, I can hear the heartache in this woman’s words. I have cried with many friends who have been on the path this woman is on. I recently read a book called Marriage Undercover. It is amazing. It’s a book about forgiveness. It is a true story and in the context of a marriage, but it is really about forgiveness. I would strongly recommend this book. It changed my life.
Also, I would encourage this woman to seek counseling at a crisis pregnancy center. I know there are a lot of post-abortive women who read this blog and they would say the same thing: Abortion is not the unforgivable sin. When we confess to the Lord and seek His forgiveness, he remembers it no more. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us.: Psalm 103:12. I love that verse.
I will pray for this sweet woman. Forgiving oneself is so hard. Sometimes we don’t feel like we deserve to be “let off the hook”. Nothing could be further from the truth. I will pray the Lord ministers to this darling child of His; that He whispers His loving words to her; and that she can climb into the lap of the One who created her and just rest in his healing, forgiving presence. Peace to you, my sweet sister in Christ. I pray the ache in your heart is softened by the loving kindness of the Lord. I pray you find sisters in Christ with whom you can share your burden. Let them love you, pray with you, and walk this path with you. I am speaking as person who has held my best friend in my arms as she sobbed in grief over her abortion 20 years ago. If I could, I would wrap my arms around you and hug you tight. Peace, peace, peace to you.
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I know the pain of abortion and that deep despair and desolation that comes from carrying the shame, guilt and grief. But there is hope, and God desires that you find peace and joy and forgiveness for yourself!
Although you say you have read things about post abortion, it does not sound like you have gone to a ministry or received any counseling to help you work through these feelings with the help of God so you are able to forgive yourself and love yourself the way He desires you to. Your children also desire for you to have peace and healing!
All the things you are feeling are so common to those of us who are post abortive, and the devil uses them to keep us locked into his despair, but you can work through them.
Please pray and consider attending a post abortion ministry.There are many good ones out there. Please also feel free to email me and to check out our site.
Here is an article I wrote about shame you may want to read:
http://www.typepad.com/site/blogs/6a00d8341ce4a653ef00d8341ce4aa53ef/post/6a00d8341ce4a653ef01347fae775c970c/edit
I am praying for you. As impossible as it seems, God can (and will) heal you to your core..His mercy is limitless…and although He is pleased with you wanting to help others, He loves you as much and wants your healing!
Theresa
lumina@postabortionhelp.org
http://www.postabortionhelp.org
You just stood up and spoke on behalf of the pre born babies. God bless you and continue to heal you. I am so relieved that your husband is understanding and supportive on your journey to healing. Welcome to the pro life movement. Many of us have testimonies. God will show you how to use yours.
That is so heartbreaking. Thank you anonymous for speaking out. Please take the advice of others here and go through counseling… perhaps a Rachel’s vineyard retreat?
It is not easy to speak out when you have all the pro-abortion types saying these women were mental to begin with, or are drama queens. Then you have some pro-lifers judging these women as evil etc… I can’t imagine standing up and saying “I had an abortion and it hurt me.” What incredible strength that takes!
I am praying for you anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Self-forgiveness is indeed the hardest. It’s hard because so many people perceive forgiveness as “getting a pass” or a “Get out of Jail free” card. It’s neither.
Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It is the mending of the relationship fabric that has been torn, and that takes time and patience. In that process God’s greatest gift to you has been your husband, who continues to love you because of who you are and not because of what you have done. That’s the focal point; who you are.
In your relationship to God, you are the beloved daughter of the Great High King, member of the Royal Family and Household. And God has sent in the person of your husband a reflection of His Love for you. You can mend that relationship with yourself because God has lifted you up and sent you the tangible sign of where you stand with Him.
Your three babies dwell in House where you will one day, and only pray interecessions of love for you. All of Heaven, and your family here on earth look on you with love and desire that you not allow yourself to be held down by guilt over the past. When satan comes to reminds you of your past, remind him of his future, and move on.
Praying for you, that you come to accept the free gift of love God has sent to you, that as Amy Grant once sang, you “Rest in it, nest in it, fully be blessed in it.”
God Bless.
Dear Anon,
Your bravery takes my breath away! You are speaking truth to the lies that abortion somehow “helps” or “heals” or “empowers.” It does NONE of those things.
God forgives us and as we accept that forgiveness we forgive ourselves. No self punishment, no penance. Jesus hung on the cross for our abortions. He alone knows the full weight of them and knew we would have them. He will redeem the pain of His daughters and use their voices to call out to our sisters in the darkness.
God bless you!
A question occurred to me that I have not given thought to. Ought a son/daughter know about his/her deceased siblings?
I say yes. All of my children know. Abortion affects them too. They know about their sister and how she died in my abortion. They know about the other babies that I miscarried. They know their names, they hang their stockings every year at Christmas and they know of an amazing reunion one day.
Dear Anonymous: There are countless of us who feel the way you do. Ater shutting out the pain for over 40 years, I was helped to start to deal with it by hearing the narratives women offered during a post-abortive retreat. One woman’s testimony centered on the sin of pride — that which keeps us living in shame, and not accepting of God’s forgiveness. Framed that way, we can recognize the need to wrestle with this compounding sin as well.
Take comfort in the example of Dorothy Day, a great humanist and minister to the poor: she had an abortion in her youth and is now being considered for sainthood! If having an abortion was the only way to judge her, her cause would not have been sustained. And the words of John Paul II seem to sincerely call us back to being an integral part of the Church, which at best is a body of struggling sinners.
Please accept the embrace of your sisters as we all struggle toward wholeness.
Anonymous poster: I have prayed for you to be open, and be able to experience, God’s forgiveness and grace.
In case it helps at all, I will let you know that some crisis pregnancy centers, including some CareNet centers, do a Bible-study group regarding this issue, God’s grace and love, and on how you can carry on with the rest of the life that God has planned for you, after abortion.
To everyone else —
This is a very heavy note from this woman. I think it would be a shame to see comments go off on various topics, such as whether to inform siblings.
Thanks for sharing with us. Please know that many of us here cry with you. I believe God will transform your pain into a huge ability to help others and the prolife movement.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers of peace.
What a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Dear Anonymous poster……..God be with you, and we will be thinking of you. We are here to help you.
No one is beyond redemption. No one!
Dear Anonymous,
Your sharing your “testimony” with us is the first step to letting go of the “rock” you’ve held on to for so long. Thank you for sharing. I pray that you continue the healing process by getting in touch with people who can help you heal, such as “Rachel’s Vineyard” and “Silent No More”. God Bless You.
Dear Anonymous,
It was courageous of you to write Jill and talk about your pain. God bless you and it’s wonderful you have a husband who loves you so much and a daughter who is your pride and joy.
I send you hugs and God’s blessings!
Wow, you are all so compassionate. I’m so proud of you. I’m sure you’re helping Anonymous by your words and by your prayers.
Jill Stanek says:
March 16, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Wow, you are all so compassionate. I’m so proud of you. I’m sure you’re helping Anonymous by your words and by your prayers
I hope and pray we are, Jill. Thank You for the opportunity we have to use this forum to reach out to those who are hurting.
“Jill Stanek says:
March 16, 2011 at 2:04 pm
Wow, you are all so compassionate.”
I would hope we all would be. I would hope no one would ever condemn or chastise a woman for having an abortion. I had a friend tell me once she was in a Bible study for new believers and some “Christians” were speaking ill about women who aborted. My friend was a young girl at the time of her abortion and did not know the Lord. She did what her parents and the world told her to do. That day in that Bible study, as a young Christian, my friend made an inner vow that she would NEVER tell anyone about her abortion because no one would love her. It broke my heart. She lived years in bondage and pain, alone, frightened and ashamed of this. Those ladies in that Bible study had an opportunity to speak love and forgiveness about abortion and instead they wounded her even more. My heart breaks for women like my friend and like Anonymous. So many Christian women sit in churches across the world ashamed and broken because of abortion. We are to be the light and salt, we are to exemplify the love and forgiveness of the Lord. I don’t know why I am so passionate about this right now, but I just am. I’m not suggesting anyone here would condemn a post-abortive woman, but I just felt the need to say that. We need to love these women and be their soft place to fall. We must come around them, pray for them, cry and grieve with them. And they need to see love and compassion from us. I think that’s what Jesus would do.
Dear Brandolyn,
That was my experience as well. “What kind of a mother kills her own children? What kind of woman has an abortion??” was said at my church. I took the same vow to never tell anyone my deep, dark secret.
We who reject abortion do not reject those who have had abortions.
-Father Frank Pavone
I am sorry for that, Carla. You deserved better. I’m glad you broke that vow to yourself and speak out now. God only knows how many souls you’ve helped save.
I didn’t understand hanging onto the grief (which I did blindly) until decades later when I lost an immediate family member. One day, the person is alive and you have feelings for him or her. A day later, the person is dead. Initial grief is the emotion that leans against, touches the feelings toward the deceased. If you move away from initial grief, you move further from that feeling.
1) I love you.
2) I grieve for you.
3) I grieved for the person.
See how when you heal you begin to move AWAY from the closeness of that bond? It’s like the smell of your loved one- it lingers on the clothing, but it fades, no matter how you try to hold onto it. My abortion occurred before I had even lost a grandparent, much less an immediate family member. My emotions, the hanging-on to grief, made me feel close to my child. It wasn’t until more recently, during a loss, that the clarity of why I hung on hit me in the face. Young women who abort their children have often not yet experienced the kind of catastrophic loss of a parent or sibling. It’s like holding a bucket of water, that is love for this person. The person is gone, what do you do with the bucket of water? You hold it, not knowing.
I recently saw a documentary where a grieving mother who lost her teenager, kept washing and folding her teenager’s clothes when she did the family laundry. “I can’t stop doing things for her..this is like I’m still taking care of her.” The mother’s laundry was her stone.
Dear Anonymous,
I am very sorry for your loss, and that you have had to go through all of that pain. It takes great courage to speak up as you have.
Always remember that God loves you, and will always love you. He forgives all of our sins when we repent of them, which you obviously have. God is Love, and He will never abandon you, ever.
Your children are in Heaven with God. Jesus says in the Gospel of Mark 10:14, “Let the children come to Me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Therefore, there is no doubt that they are in Heaven with Him. Being that God is Love, and He forgives, you can rest assured that they forgive you, too. They are smiling down on you with love.
Others have given you links to help with abortion recovery. Here’s one more. Silent No More Awareness helps women like you who have gone through abortions. They let you know that you are not alone, and that it is not shameful to speak up about your experiences. They have testimonies of other post-abortive women, and a page full of resources for abortion recovery.
Remember that you always have friends here at Jill’s, as well.
Oh, and the song Gerard quoted was “The Lord Has a Will”. It’s on Amy Grant’s self-titled album from 1977, in case you want to check it out (her music can be really spiritually helpful and uplifting).
Love, prayers, and blessings!
Brandolyn,
Now I can’t shut up!! :)
I love this thread. I love all of you beautiful people. You make me proud to be standing strong with you and extending mercy and grace to the hurting.
LOVE WINS!
Anonymous emailer:
I think the point of the exercise at the church was to illustrate how, when we carry our sin with us always, we can never be free from the guilt. I would expand that to include that if you continue to carry your sin with the thought that it can’t be forgiven, you are basically saying that when Jesus died for our sins, He died for all of them EXCEPT the sin of your abortion. We both know that isn’t true. The Sovereign God of this universe KNEW that you would abort your children before he created this world. He knew he would send his son to die for you so that you would be free from the power of this sin. It was his plan, and his purpose – not to be the author of your sin, but to work that which is for your good by what he, in his mercy, will teach you because of what you did. You are already helping women by relating your experience. This was part of the plan. God “fearfully and wonderfully made” all of your children. Don’t torture yourself by wondering what they would be like now, because that is not what God made them to be. Thank God for who and what they were, and what they mean to you now, that is, a testimony to many women who may be considering abortion, but don’t go through with it because of what you have shared. Be a testimony to the forgiveness of God, through Jesus Christ, and don’t forget that it is ok to love those babies, who will always be your babies, and who you will embrace in heaven one day…..but whatever you do, don’t make the sacrifice of Christ ineffectual by thinking your sin is to great to be forgiven……He suffered more than we can ever fathom to make sure it was.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your powerful testimony. This is answered prayers…for more people to speak out. I’ve been praying for the truth (abortion is murder) to be revealed to those working in the abortion industry as well as those such as yourself who have had abortions and know and feel the pain, sorrow, and regret to be a great witness to others.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Rom 8.28)
Was the abortion good? No, but God can work your experience to the good for others. You have already taken a big step by sending this email. I also think with this step you are on your way to finally forgiving yourself! I am so happy and proud for you! God Bless You!!
One other thing…why don’t you take that rock and now identify it as the strength, refuge, and security of God’s love for you? There are many scriptures that relate to God as our “rock.”
“And he said, The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; the God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.”
-2 Sam 22:2-3
“The LORD liveth; and blessed be my rock; and let the God of my salvation be exalted.”
-Psalm 18:46
“In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.”
-Psalm 62:7
“Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.”
-Mt 7:24-25
“O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.”
-Psalm 95:1
May you find joy in your life again!!
Dear Anonymous – forty one years ago, I had an abortion. You are not alone in your grief, in your sorrow. I mourn with you – a mother’s heart to a mother’s heart. I wonder about my son – and today when I heard a young politician speaking, I thought – “could that have been my son speaking?” Such a sad thought – I think he would have been such a good son, although I was not a good mother to him.
God sees our hearts, Anonymous – He sees how we suffer and He wants to gather us to Himself and hold us tightly and let us know that HE LOVES US!!! He loves the children that we were blessed with and we in turn entrust them to His loving care.
I found a wonderful healing retreat, Rachel’s Vineyard, eight years ago and I went on it. The retreat is world wide and made a huge difference in my life. There are Catholic and Non Catholic retreats and the schedule for different ones world wide can be found on the link above.
You remain in my prayers Anonymous, as do all who carry this special cross. From one mother’s heart to another mother’s heart. God Bless you and your family.
I don’t know if the link is working – but here it is again, just in case it does not work
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/
I’d like to recommend the book Living in His Forgiveness, by Sandy Day: http://www.abbeysplace.org/abbeysplace/nav.cfm?cat=19&subcat=100&subsub=15. It’s the most biblical book I’ve read on post-abortion forgiveness.
Thank you LeeAnne for sharing your story. I had an abortion 20 years ago that hurt me deeply. All of us are walking the journey of abortion recovery together.
God bless you! Keep shining His light!!
@Carla, I love this thread, too. I love seeing people illustrating the heart of God like this. Imagine if we all – myself included – could muster the compassion for all people like we have for this sweet sister in Christ. What a different world we would live in…
Read the update, just posted. You all are awesome… :)
Listening to Abby Johnson on my radio station as I type this.
Jill, bless you and please, PLEASE share with this sweet sister how much her KING and Saviour loves her! FORGIVEN and healing is hers through His blood. Once our souls seek repentance our sins are as far as the East is from the West. (totally gone!!!)
Redemption & GRACE Praying for this loving sweet sister! God BLESS you! (I have three babies in heaven as well.)
When I read that email it reminded me of my 3 abortions and how I feel when I look at my 2 children that I did not abort. I haven’t let go of the guilt, shame , and agony over murdering my own children. it will never be okay. I will never forgive myself. I have tried but I know I don’t deserve it. I do believe in God and try my very best but when it comes to this, I just feel like I’m supposed to suffer. I don’t understand why we’re supposed to forgive ourselves. I grieve and cry- sometimes just sobbing and I should be! It’s not okay what I’ve done. I don’t feel I’ve been punished enough. I know all of us who have gone through this feel the same, however, for myself if I feel I should suffer until death. That is what I deserve and more. Some may disagree but this a consequence for my sin. I do hope all the women and anonymous find the healing they need and I pray God has mercy on me and will let me raise my children in heaven. I don’t speak to anyone about this so it is a relief of some sort to tell everyone how abortion hurts.
Rachel’s Vineyard is awesome and people who are post abortive should look into healing that is available.
Thank you for your letter and thank you to everyone being so supportive. This is a good place to come to. People truly want you whole and functioning!
May God heal you and help you grow in love -toward yourself and others. One step at a time, and let Him help. God bless!
Alyssa,
This is the good news of the gospel- that God’s mercy is so much more profound than his justice. Truth be told, we are all sinners. None of us on our own merits are worthy before God. None of us deserve forgiveness. But it is a gift. A free gift, offered to us regardless of what we have done. In fact, think of it this way, Alyssa. It is an insult to God’s mercy to think that you can commit a sin so great that you can’t be forgiven by him. If God can forgive you, you need to be able to forgive yourself. The worst thing we can do is dwell on our sin and begin to despair. That is exactly what the devil wants. He wants you to think that you should never forgive yourself. Despair is a sin against hope, one of the three theological virtues. Also, know that your little babies are in heaven praying for you and that they have forgiven you, and that they too desire you to forgive yourself, and to simply let yourself go and trust in God’s forgiving love and mercy. God love you.
Amen, Bobby.
Praying for you, Alyssa. And for anonymous, as well.
And I just read the update. Praise the Lord, and thank you, Carla. :) You are pretty darn amazing.
You are welcome, Kel. :)
Alyssa,
Please email me.
carla@jillstanek.com
Alyssa,
You are not supposed to suffer. You do not have to keep punishing yourself. You can never do enough penance! Jesus died for you and for ALL of us and ALL of our sins. Including abortion!
He wants you FREE! Free from the guilt and the shame. He will FORGIVE you! He will keep His promises to help and heal and comfort. He has done it for me and thousands of other women that have aborted their babies.
Please get in touch with me. Your comment breaks my heart.
Alyssa – please take advantage of Carla’s offer and expertise! God loves you and wants you free, for sure. But free to do the good.
The best thing you can do now is ask Him to give you healing and peace. Open your heart to Him. You are a magnificent creature of God – and He wants you to be the very best version of yourself – the Alyssa you were designed to be when He just had the idea of you in His mind.
Grow, love, be good to yourself and heal. He is waiting to help you in all things.
My Sister in Christ – The enemy tries to destroy us. I’ve learned that the negative inner dialogue is mostly him trying to keep me from God’s purpose for my life. I was molested as a child and when I finally went to therapy for it, I was convinced – completely and utterly convinced – that no one else had ever been abused. Ever. I was stunned when I learned how many other people had. The enemy isolates and condemns. He tells us we are not worthy of love, of forgiveness, of redemption. But here’s the amazing thing! God loved us so much that He sacrificed His Son for us! He adores you!! He is delighted with you!! He has a deep passion for you and your well being. He is love-sick for you…Remember that. Always.
Welcome to the pro-life movement. You don’t know it, but you have touched so many people with your testimony. You represent to me the many faceless, nameless women who suffer silently and when I think of them, my heart will remember you. Know when that happens, I will be praying for you. :)
Alyssia! OMgoodness…no, No, NO!!! That is not God’s desire for you…that is the enemy of our soul ripping you apart to keep you from what God has in store for you. Please take Carla up on her offer. I will be praying.
To Anonymous and Alyssa,
Just wanted to pass along something I heard from Carmen Pate of 40 Days For Life, who is postabortive herself. To paraphrase, she said that continuing to live in guilt and shame from a past abortion is like saying that Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross was not enough. It was more than enough. We all sin. We have all “killed” with our words. Jesus does not want you to go one more day living in shame. Praying that you will be healed and restored in Him and be able to forgive yourself. You are LOVED beyond measure, my precious sisters in Christ!
Amen, Sarah!
Alyssa,
I know exactly how you feel. http://www.vimeo.com/19315623
It is strange the lies that we buy into. I had this weird accounting going on in my head – 3 aborted and 2 born makes me the father of -1 children. And the number of women that have shared with me that a later miscarriage was God somehow punishing them for their abortion, like a repaid debt, has been a high percentage, too. Or that the domestic violence situations they later found themselves in were some type of penance.
All lies straight from Hell.
Please don’t call God a liar by saying that what he has made clean is still somehow dirty. He grieves with you and for you for the pain you still feel. Trust me on this. You and I will both meet all of our babies in heaven some day, and it will be a sweet homecoming. Don’t hide from your experiences – God can take anything you give to him and turn it into something beautiful.
Blessings,
JP Prichard
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for being so brave as to share your story there will be numerous women out there who are too scared to tell of what they did. I consider myself an abortion survivor as my mother was put on a train for an illegal abortion. Instead she took the next train back and lied to my father that there was no-one there. God loves you no matter what you did the Bible says that you are the apple of his eye. I believe what the enemy intended for evil in your life God can turn round for good. You can be sure of the love and prayer of all believers.
How do I know my abortion was not part of God’s plan?
Wow so many women’s lives have been affected by abortion, myself included. 3 abortions and 34 yrs. later I have received healing that only Jesus Christ can give you. The LORD took me back to my place of abortion and allowed me to process feelings I had buried deep, deep inside me for years. He cleansed me and showed me how to accept HIS forgiveness. He died and HIS blood was shed for all our sins. And then he rose again and HE lives today. When we repent and turn from our sin and turn to Jesus Christ HIS arms are open wide to receive us. I never even knew my pain was buried so deep inside. I was a Christian for years and would think back to that dark place and say “I know Jesus forgave me for that” but the reality was I never really accepted HIS forgiveness. I didn’t deserve it! But HE does not want us to live our lives with guilt, pain and shame. He wants us to be a new creation where HE makes all things new. He led me to a Pregnancy Resource center to volunteer and little did I know for my post-abortion healing. Before I could volunteer it was required to go through post abortion class if you had had an abortion. That’s where it all spilled out…. and HE has restored the years the locust destroyed. I now facilitate the post abortion class at our center. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me I once was lost but now am found twas blind but now I see. Your healing is starting with your story posted here. Continue through this process by contacting a Pregnancy Resource Center in your area who will take you by the hand and love you with NO condemnation. The LORD will take your mourning and turn it into dancing. You will be amazed. I hope you keep us posted on your progress. Will keep you in prayer.
@Khan, do you mean aside from the face that it is destroying God’s human creation? Okay, well take a look at this woman’s email. Do you hear the pain in her words? Do you hear the turmoil it is caused her and other women? Things from God do not destroy people. That’s one way to know.
Amen, Joanne!!
khan,
God knew you would have one. God knew I would have one. He also knew that I would be so broken over my abortion that I would find my way back to Him.
One of the things about abortion is that it is not only a grievous act against God, it is also child loss. Those who have had abortions, repent and seek God’s forgiveness are freely given His forgiveness and mercy – their sin is wiped clean.
However, there is the issue of child loss. Just because we are forgiven for having had abortions (forced, coerced, or self chosen) does not mean that we will not suffer, remember our child, wanting to see our child, wanting to know our child. We suffer the LOSS of a child.
When we tell a woman or a man “God does not want you to suffer” we are being compassionate, but we are not addressing the feelings that post abortive people have about “what do I do with THIS feeling?” “How do I stop hurting from wanting my child?” In other words, sometimes those words are too effective in shutting a woman or man down from going through the real grieving process after abortion – which is two pronged – the action of the abortion and the child loss.
Just as no one would tell a parent that they are forgiven and set free from their child dying through their negligence, (i.e. driving while under the influence and getting into a fatal accident with their child) we should not tell a post abortive person that they are forgiven and set free…for it is not addressing the sadness over the loss of their child. We are indeed forgiven, but being set free is akin to wiping out the very life of our child.
Those of us who are post abortive are in the process of healing. We still however, miss our children. I will be healed the day I see Our Lord, not a minute before, although I do well most days in my healing, I know I still cling to the Lord tightly for comfort.
I have a very close friend who is also post abortive and we are able to communicate back and forth, checking in with our feelings and helping one another on our healing journey after abortion.
Praying for all of us here who are in the fight of our lives … towards God, Our Savior!
Dear Anon,
God will use your suffering for a greater good. Praying for you and other post-abortive women and men daily. Remember, the church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners. We all fall short. Jesus makes all things new. God love you.
Khan – I know that God’s plans are not ever for evil and abortion is evil. It is NOT God’s plan for you to have (or anyone else) an abortion. God loves you – and He would not want you to hurt yourself or to kill a child. God can bring good out of evil and He certainly did that with me.
After my forced abortion, I tried to act as though it did not matter to me. Years and years later, I realized that my abortion did injure me and that God wanted me to have healing.
To one and all,
“Though your sins were as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”
I like snow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg-LIWJEQmk
“WHEN EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL” by Aaron Shust
Take my ashes. Take my dirt and clay.
Take my mourning. Take my doubt and fear.
Say the words I long to hear.
Though your sins were as scarlet,
they will be as white as snow.
Though they were red – red as crimson –
they will be like wool.
When everything is beautiful.
Everything I tried to hide,
all the game I’ve been playing,
every secret, every lie,
all the shame I’ve been claiming
come and whisper in my ear.
Say the words I long to hear:
Oh, though your sins were as scarlet,
they will be as white as snow.
Though they were red – red as crimson –
they will be like wool.
Though your sins were as scarlet,
they will be be as white as snow.
Though they were red - red as crimson –
they will be like wool.
And everything is beautiful.
Everything is beautiful.
Oh well. It’s been a long night. For those interested in a more accurate showing of the lyrics, here’s a link:
http://www.youtube.com/christian-lyrics.net/aaron-shust/when-everything-is-beautiful-lyrics.html#axzz1GvgVQhhF
God is at work!
Special thanks to Carla, who is PERFECTLY suited to assist Anonymous in the journey of meeting God and finding forgiveness.
LL
test.
I have lived with the same guilt and I know that pain. But I believe that if we share our experiences with other women and if just one chooses to go a different way and keep her baby then we are on the right track. I wish that someone would have told me about what they went through before I had an abortion…..i might have chose a different path. Thank you for being brave enough to post your experiences. I talk about my experience with other women and through talking I have found some semblance of relief from my pain. I am still working on forgiving myself….like you said its a hard thing to do. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and I hope that you find more peace and happiness in your life.
Dear Anonymous and Alyssa,
I am so grateful you have found a voice here and shared your pain. I am also grateful for the love and care from others here that you have received. Please do not buy into the lie that your sin is unforgiveable. God wants so much for you to accept His forgiveness and to forgive yourself. The latter is usually the hardest to do.
Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats are a wonderful way to find healing. There are many post-abortive healing programs, Bible Studies, etc. out there to help, and I am very grateful that there are so many offerings to help people. My experience has been leading Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats locally since 2007 and it is one of the most wonderful ministries. I have seen people full of despair, self-hatred, and hopelessness experience the healing power of God’s mercy and put down those rocks and accept His hand of Peace instead. If you visit the website, http://www.rachelsvineyard.org, you can find retreats offered all over the U.S. and in many other countries. Please reach out to find the healing you need.
I am praying for you both and thank you for the courage to come forward as you have here. There is hope and there is a time to heal and forgive yourself and accept that God loves you more than you can imagine. He is not seeking to hurt you and He does not want you to continue to hurt yourself. That comes from the evil one. Think of your living child(ren) and how much you love them and that no matter what they do, you will love them and protect them. Well God’s love is so much more than the love that we have for our own children. He has never left you and He suffers with you in your pain. Please let Him give you the Peace that only He can give. May God bless you and keep you from all harm.
Oh my dear , I do understand what you have and are going through for I to have had an abortion and that haunts me to this very moment in life. There are many reasons why we feel there are no other choices, my was that my husband said words that still ring in my ears that if I did not get rid of the baby he was leaving me and I have learned since then there is no love on this earth worth giving up a child, for there will always be another avenue to go down that would have made life better for all. But when we are very young and scared to death of being left alone then all kinds of monsters visit our brains and drive false messages that there are no other choices. I was not a strong person and it took many ever so many years to become strong. My heart and prayers go out to you sweet child of God and know that God has forgiven you and now you must forgive yourself. Just know that you have so save so many lives with your emails that you will know of. God bless you sweet child, God Blesses you.