Tragic note from 15-yr-old post-abortive mom
On March 20, 2007, I published a touching email I received from reader Bethany about her miscarried baby, who she named Blessing. Bethany included photos.
With Bethany’s permission, I posted her note and pictures. Not only did that note lead to a lasting friendship between Bethany and myself, she also went on to moderate this blog for several years and many of you know and love her.
In honor of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day today, Bethany mentioned that post on her Facebook page. She wrote:
This post about Blessing somehow became so popular that it has been the number one post on Jill’s blog, for years… and if you type “‘miscarriage” in google images, my baby’s picture is the first that shows up.
As a result, I continually get emails from women all over the world who have had miscarriage, and these pictures have helped provide them with closure. (This spurred me to write a book too).
Many of the comments Bethany receives on her post to this day are thankful. Sometimes moms just need to talk. And every now and then one of the notes is so sad, like this one that was posted on October 13. I’m breaking it up into paragraphs for easier reading….
Hi Bethany . I am 15 years old turning 16 soon . And I jus had an abortion last week Saturday , I was at least 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant . I really wanted to keep my baby because I had such a connection with it even b4 I new for sure that yes I was really pregnant . i didn’t get morning sickness or anything . I was jus going to bed early and waking up everyday at around 4 in the morning due to my baby’s movement .
Even though my boyfriend and I both wanted our baby our mothers thought otherwise . His mother made my mom change her mind and so my mom took me to get the procedure 3days later. My mom has gotten an abortion b4 when she was 19. And my boyfriend’s mother has gotten plenty. Thats why my mom’s telling me i will forget 1 day. But That night b4 my baby was taken away from me I sang to it all night like I used to and told it how much I loved them and how sorry I was .
Bethany , I’m the most sensative and emotional person ever I believe. Ever since last week I have been crying all day everyday at the thought of my inocent baby being gone . I think about my baby and how happy I would be if I could jus feel it’s movement inside me when I sing or rub my belly . And every night i still wake up at 4 in the morning and cry because i have gotten so used to waking up to a kick .Honestly I wish I would have seen your pictures before my procedure so I could show my mother what her grandchild looks like at 6 weeks . I bet she would have changed her mind and let me keep my baby . I’m very mature for my age and has been taking care of babies all my life . I jus dont have money to give my own baby everything it may want . Jus my care , love and affection .
I’m not sure if its my mind playing tricks on me but I still feel as if my baby is still inside me sometimes . I guess I will find out and let you know when I go back to the doctor on the 29th . I wish I had my ultrasound picture of my beautiful little black dot .
Decisions last a lifetime don’t ever get an abortion you guys . No matter how old u r a baby is still a blessing . and I get teary-eyed everytime i see someone with a baby or pregnant with 1 . The three stretch marks I have will be all i have left . And when I become of age I may get a tattoo around it . Bottom line is I feel bad for all who miscarried their baby and the loss of my own Miracle .
RIP baby , I’m sorry and I do love you . I hope to see you one day. I know I would do anything to have my baby with me right now or at least feel it kick one last time .
Abortion is such a tragedy!
My thought is the baby was much older than 6 weeks, because this young mom has stretch marks and felt her baby kick…
So tired of these parents failing their children and then killing their own grandchildren to cover THEIR screw-ups. WHERE ARE PARENTS THESE DAYS?!?!!
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Sounds like this young lady might have been further along than she was told. Wouldn’t surprise me — they lie about everything else.
If her mom told her she would forget about it one day, why hasn’t her mom forgot about her own abortion at age 19?
Women are being abused and used now more than ever.
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She felt the baby kick before six weeks gestation? I believe that is physically impossible, and it makes me question the credibility of the writer.
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She had to have been further along than six weeks. Maybe she meant six months (?)
This girl’s mother sounds like my sister. She took my niece for an abortion-
Except that my sister has brain damage that leaves her unable to think like a rational, mature adult. The doctors have said she has the mentality of a 14 year old…
This girl’s mother (and the boyfriend’s mother) have no such “excuse”.
*Just from “personal observation”- when a teenager has to say “I’m very mature for my age”..they usually aren’t*
This is a sad situation all around. :(
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I don’t question her credibility. She could have been further along than she believed – not uncommon especially in younger women – or she could have been feeling the pangs etc of her uterus stretching if she was early in her pregnancy. I had those and although I knew better, I couldn’t help visualizing a little embryo elbowing more room for itself. Given all the “I’m not sorry” women who speak of telling their babies that this is not a good time and that they should wait, or find another family to join, which gets accepted as a spiritual and emotional coping technique, I am able to see how a 15-year old girl would fondly remember feeling her baby kick, whether she actually did or not.
Moreover, I don’t really see that whether she felt the baby kick or not is the relevant point of this letter.
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I assumed she must have meant 6 months, instead of weeks. I don’t think she was making it up.
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I think the 1 didn’t type in…. I was 16 weeks when I had my abortion at 16 and all my memories are the same ….40 years ago, last month…I pray she finds the Lord in the midst of this as I do not know how anyone survives with out His Love, His care , His Forgiveness and the hope of one day seeing my daughter. Knowing that the blood of Jesus covers even this is what heals our hearts and lives.
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Well, I am also a RN, and believe that she was further along than six weeks. But I don’t question her credibility. She could have been told that by a clinic worker. I had a botched abortion thirty years ago this month, and was lied to. My advice is to find healing and peace through Christ. It was the only thing that saved my sanity in the end. God Bless.
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Yeah x my thought was what the HECK!? ?!?!? What were those parents thinking? It’s like they’re trying to cover up their own mistakes. Sheesh. Wow. I need to go hug some babies now. :( How can anyone drive their daughters to an abortion to kill their own grandchild? especially a woman who has gone through it. That poor girl, too, I just want to hug her.
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Why are unmarried 15-year-old girls getting pregnant?
This is a crime — perhaps even literally so if she was impregnated by an adult male.
The true outrage here is that there was a pregnancy in the first place.
Chaperoned dating, anyone?
More adult supervision?
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Well, my son’s girlfriend Debbie is pregnant again and her grandmother told her to get an abortion (she is 23). She is prolife and is having the baby, so she and my son will have two children under three. It’s not a great situation, but I can’t understand why this woman want would her own great grandchild aborted. Please pray for Debbie, Isaiah, and their unborn baby.
The letter is so heartbreaking, especially when she said she sings to the baby. I used to do that, too . . .
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Denise, you ask why a 15-year-old is having sex and getting pregnant. I can think of three possible answers:
1. She is home alone a great deal because one or both parents is working all the time. They may or may not be great parents, but either way, they can’t be there to supervise her after school.
2. Her parents are so permissive that she is following the cultural rot she sees on television, movies, and among her classmates in school. It’s the old, “Not my kid…” argument, until it is your kid.
3. This is the most tragic. She was likely the victim of acquantaince rape, and the perpetrator convinced her she “wanted it” or somehow “deserved” the sexual attacks.
Thirty years ago when I was in college, quite a few girls got pregnant and kept their babies, and quite a few more had abortions. They all talked about their sexual encounters by blaming themselves, particularly in cases where the sperm donor had nothing to do with them or their babies. I didn’t realize it back then, but now I think these girls were probably acquaintance rape victims who felt it was somehow their own fault. It’s never the victim’s fault of course, but people still feel such personal guilt over these situations and the perpetrators take advantage of that to keep their victims quiet.
I think the culture has almost hit bottom and people are starting to wake up and realize that women and girls need to be protected and not made into objects of lust. I think in the next decade or so, we’ll see some sanity restored to society and family life. At least I hope so. I pray for a return to morality daily.
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This kind of story does my head in. It makes all of us pro-lifers look uninformed, uneducated and stupid. She did not feel her back kick and she did not have stretch marks, as both are impossible at six weeks. Either shes exagerating and lying or she was further along than she thought. Either way the story should not have been published as it makes no sense and doesn’t go along with the science. I am however sorry for her loss.
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Following societal rot is the most plausible explanation. A 15-year-old wouldn’t be in such a rush to get pregnant otherwise (not saying that she was trying to conceive, but being excited about being a mother is not a normal reaction for a pregnant, unwed teen).
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I think I understand when she says she felt her baby kick. SHe may have not felt a physical kick but an emotional kick. I felt my son all the time before I felt him kicking. Or she could ahve been further along. A baby and mother are very connected and I think many women have lost that ability. We need to change the mentality of the masses. Many people who are pro-choice, are so because they dont really understand what is at stake here and many of those who are pro-life are quiet. We need to speak up and take a stand for our unborn brethren.
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I just moved to a small town and they have them YOUNG here, on purpose! These girls actually believe their boyfriends will come through for them. It’s practically impossible to find someone my age (26) in this town that isn’t A) a single father/shared custody B) paying child support or C) married. In the ED we also get women who are convinced they are pregnant when they are not, or come in with 8 positive home pregnancy tests insisting that something else must be wrong because they are in such deep denial. World is crazy!
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Hope she is getting some help. It is obvious both moms need help as well.
Trust that someone gave them some post abortion connections…certainly can identify with her feeling s having been forced as a teen to abort a baby around 16 weeks
http://www.lumina@postabortionhelp.org
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LifeLetters Julia says:
October 15, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Denise, you ask why a 15-year-old is having sex and getting pregnant. I can think of three possible answers:
1. She is home alone a great deal because one or both parents is working all the time. They may or may not be great parents, but either way, they can’t be there to supervise her after school.
(Denise) I’m not sure how this could be addressed. This is a problem and needs to be addressed. Girls should not become sexually active because no one is there to supervise.
What can be done to address this?
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While I strongly support protection from pregnancy for the sexually active, first priority must always be given to protecting young people from falling into the trap of becoming sexually active.
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Kate S says:
October 16, 2012 at 1:16 am
I just moved to a small town and they have them YOUNG here, on purpose! These girls actually believe their boyfriends will come through for them.
(Denise) This could be made more likely — although faaaar from certain — if boyfriends became husbands before births.
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I wish these young pregnant teens knew that no one can force them to abort and that there is legal help if the parents try to force them to a clinic. I wish this young mother had known to turn to a CPC for help. The CPC could have helped her legally but also could have given her a free ultrasound and free material goods for her and the baby. And the CPC could have helped talk to her mother. It sounds like both of the grandmas in this story are in need of healing.
I pray for healing for all 3 post-abortive moms. Heartbreaking!
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And it is a fallacy that teens can’t be good parents. It isn’t money that makes good parenting, it is LOVE.
My great-grandmother came to this country from Czechoslovakia as a 15 year old girl. She didn’t speak a word of English and she never saw her family again. She married my great grandfather who had little infant girl. His first wife had died in childbirth with this baby girl. So my great grandfather married my great grandmother and gave her a home and in exchange she cared for and raised this little girl. She was an excellent mother. My great aunt died at age 99 a couple years ago. She always sang the praises of my great grandmother (who i also knew and loved. She lived to be a very old lady). She went on to have many more children including my grandmother.
But the point is that she was in a strange country with no friends and only a teen and yet she was a wonderful mother. I think many teens could be wonderful mothers if given support and guidance. And even if they wouldn’t be great mothers there is always adoption. Killing the innocent child should never be an option!
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its possible they lied to her at the clinic about the age of the baby….but who knows.
I hope she can find healing with a post abortion group like Rachel’s Vineyard.
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“This could be made more likely — although faaaar from certain — if boyfriends became husbands before births. ”
Either they marry at 17, divorce at 18, or simply break up. About 30% of the responses I get are “I don’t knwo when that rash got there, I just picked him up from his daddy’s.”
I have met 15 year olds who actively try to get pregnant with their boyfriend (who is a senior- how dreamy). They are baffled when I state I have no desire right now to have children.
Also, the majority of teen moms here do NOT take care of their business- they usually rely on grandma to take care of them. “Oh, I am not mom, I’m grandma.” How many times I hear that!
Maybe it’s the small town mentality? I just don’t get it. What is wrong with allowing yourself to be young and silly, once you move out you are not allowed that option anymore. Being an adult sucks, why force yourself to be one when you don’t have to? lol
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Being an adult sucks,
Speak for yourself.
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I am :) Paying bills and being responsible for people other than yourself is taxing. For me anyways. I know people who love it. I just don’t think people should be in such a hurry to grow up.
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There is no possible way she’d feel a 6 week embryo kick. Here’s a link that shows you the development at 6 weeks 2 days gestation:
http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=32
The child is the size of a small 1/2″ inch marble and is suspended in amniotic fluid. As you can see from the movie, the arms and legs have just completed budding and are not strong enough to move anything, including itself. Further, the amniotic fluid surrounds the child precisely because impacts would be destructive.
No abortionist would consider doing a non-chemical abortion procedure sooner than the 11-12th week, because you have to reassemble all the limbs after vacuum aspiration. Failure to do so results in infections if any pieces are missed.
If this is true, and she really didn’t know the gestational age, and the child was kicking then one day she’ll discover the truth and be completely floored by how developed her child was by week 12-14.
As for later abortions – not likely because the bones calcify (14-15th week) and cause greater problems for the abortionist.
A one-one conversation with the girl about details of the experience would reveal the truth.
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It is possible she just imagined the kicking.
I read of a young woman who had an abortion and afterward she kept hearing a baby crying when there were no babies around. Obviously, she was imagining it.
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