Review: Moderator Bethany’s new book, “Answers in a Time of Miscarriage”
by moderator Carla
I must admit I am a bit biased. Ok – a lot biased. I have known and loved Bethany Kerr for a few years now and knew anything she wrote would be heartfelt and honest. She did not disappoint.
Bethany has just published a book, Answers in a Time of Miscarriage. It includes personal stories, a Q&A section, and “What Not to Say” section.
Answers in a Time of Miscarriage stirred many emotions in me since I have had 2 miscarriages and struggled after each.
Personal stories of miscarriage, although heartbreaking, help us feel as though we are not alone, nor are we insane for loving the babies we did not get to know. I ached as I read of the pain, sorrow, and grief of other women. I especially appreciated the section about men who have been through miscarriage as well. They grieve in different ways than women and are concerned with being strong for their wives. I am grateful for their voices.
I was grateful for the straightforward way Bethany wrote her Q&As. At a time that seems to come with more questions than answers these provided clear truth.
As I read what not to say to someone grieving a miscarriage I realized I had heard every single one of those statements. [Jill’s note: And I had said quite a few. These were very helpful.] Let us all file those away and give someone a hug and tell them “I’m so sorry” – and commit to memory all of the suggestions in “What to Say”!
My favorite part of Bethany’s book would have to be her personal story and photos of her child, Blessing. Although I had seen the photos before I now have them for my very own! Blessing has saved the lives of many, many babies after their mothers saw the photos and chose life!
Another story that touched me deeply was the story of baby Rowan, which includes a photo as well.
Bethany handles such a deeply personal and painful occurrence with great love and care, so sweet and touching. I highly recommend this book to women, men, friends and medical professionals who want to help those suffering after miscarriage. Please purchase this book for someone(s) in your life who might need to read and be comforted by the words of someone who has been there.
That Bethany gives permission for mothers to grieve their children is a gift indeed.
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
My husband and I have lost three children and have a hard time getting pregnant. When people ask me how many children I have I tell them there are three that are no longer around, but that’s why I have three dachshunds. I don’t like hearing I’m sorry. I understand people are trying to be sympathetic, but why should they be sorry? There was a reason for each of my child’s life, how ever short they lived it. There is nothing to be sorry for because God even has a plan in taking them home before me.
Yes, their losses hurt and sometimes that invisible knife twists so that it’s hard to breathe. But feeling that knife reminds me that I am acknowledging the lives of my children, not the “potential lives”. Potential lives don’t have personalities and likes/dislikes, any mother can tell you that their pre-born children very much have all the above.
Thank you, Bethany, for writing this book, I anticipate reading it soon.
What did people say to you Mira that helped you get through your miscarriages?
I’m sorry you are in pain. I’m sorry you are hurting. I’m sorry that your child has died. I’m sorry that you are grieving.
That is what I meant by saying “I’m sorry.” instead of “You can always try again.” or any of the other What Not to Say sayings.
Mira when upon hearing that a mother has experienced a miscarriage, I say I am sorry I mean that I am sorry that she has suffered the loss of her baby. I am truly sorry that this has happened and I am trying as a mother who has never suffered a miscarriage to understand her pain and empathize with her. As a (Catholic)Christian I too know that God has a plan in all of this – but I wouldn’t say that to the mom.
Saying I”m sorry is a way to acknowledge the pain and loss of another.
I sometimes get the feeling that some women are oversensitive about terrible experiences they have had. Many people are well meaning. Some just don’t understand that their responses are less than ideal.
Before you leap all over me, I am saying that this can be the situation for many of life’s circumstances – death of parents, death of a child, divorce, murder of a loved one etc.
Sometimes the loss is so profound – how do you express sympathy? Some are not very good at this.
Yes, their losses hurt and sometimes that invisible knife twists so that it’s hard to breathe.
Mira, when people say they are sorry, I think they are acknowledging your pain, and just being sympathetic, if nothing more. Dachshunds are great – my favorite dog in all the world was a Dachshund/Bassett cross.
Carla, the “you can always try again,” makes me cringe. Good grief, indeed – definitely can be “What Not To Say.” Bethany is a super-sweetheart, just like you.
Mira, sometimes it really depends on the context of how “I’m sorry” is being said, I think. Most women that I have heard from have said that a genuine “I’m sorry for your loss” was one of the only things that helped them, as opposed to comments like, “Well, at least you can try again!” or “At least you weren’t further along”.
I know true expressions of sympathy were what helped me. If someone is saying “I’m sorry”, usually this means that they are acknowledging your loss as being real, not potential or imaginary.
I have had people tell me “I’m sorry you lost a<i> potential</i> baby”, and that is a completely different thing. Nothing is worse than going through a loss, only to have someone devalue your child while expressing faux sympathy. If this has been your experience, then what you’re saying makes total sense.
As Christians, we know intellectually that God has a plan for everything that happens. However, that doesn’t take away the pain of a loss, and that is what a person is expressing sympathy for when they say “I’m sorry”. They are just trying to let you know they are sorry you are hurting, and that you have lost your child. And there is nothing wrong with grieving- it doesn’t mean that you have a lack of faith.
Hi Doug! Long time no see.
A wonderful book, Bethany. This topic is so ignored and it happens to so many- you’re very brave to write about it and offer such support. Unfortunately, I can’t really think of what else to say- I’m not very “socially graceful” -but I have to say that I anticipate reading this, too. You are a beautiful and wonderful person. :)
Sometimes people say the darndest things too.
I went through a major catastrophe in my life 12 years ago. I had a friend say to me (on more than one occasion): “Whenever I get depressed I just think about your life and realize how much better off I am.” !!!
In your dreams honey! :)
Bethany, you already know how much your book touched me. I sat there and read the whole thing in one sitting with tears streaming down my face and I have never had a miscarriage. it was such an emotional book and written with so much tenderness. Thank you for your testimony for life. I showed Blessing’s picture to several at my church and the women clutched the book and gasped “Oh my! Oh my!” They were amazed.
Thank you for writing this book, Bethany. I’ve had two miscarriages and got a lot of comments that hurt me (inadvertently on the part of the giver).
JoAnna, I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you have found some comfort and encouragement since then.
Sydney and Vannah, thanks so much for the kind words!
Bethany, great to “see” you too. Never, ever doubted your good heart.