Columnist claims “abstinence got me pregnant”
Suffice to say in the heat of the moment, we hoped the rhythm method would work. Two weeks later I was pregnant. I would say “we” were pregnant, but it really was only me. I was and am still pro-choice. I knew I had options. I considered them all, including marriage, which this young man sweetly offered. But I never had to make a choice, because… I began to miscarry. I was surprised at the sense of loss I felt for this unwanted pregnancy, but was also grateful to be spared making a choice that might haunt me the rest of my days.
I think “abstinence only” flies in the face of nature and the biological imperative. People who choose abstinence as a self-protective measure have my admiration, because I was incapable of doing so. But making abstinence a moral imperative just breeds shame, self-loathing and, more often than not, failure to live up to the ideal.
When I was 36 and 38 I gave birth to my two beautiful daughters. They came at just the right time, with exactly the right partner, my husband Henry. That wouldn’t have been possible without birth control. I hope both of my daughters will wait until a ripe old age (35?) before they engage in sexual activity and I hope they will only give themselves to men who cherish them, but when they’re in high school I’ll be taking them to Planned Parenthood. No shame. No blame. Knowledge is power.
~ Shannon Bradley-Colleary, The Huffington Post, May 31
[Photo via USF Healthy Bulls]
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
She thinks practicing abstinence flies in the face of nature and the biological “imperative” but taking hormonal birth control… uh… doesn’t???
So, by imposing “moral imperatives” on our children, we are just trying to make them feel like failures when they screw up? Is that the idea of say, any other moral imperatives, like “don’t cheat on your tests, don’t do drugs, don’t steal from your employer or anyone else”? Or is it just sex that gets a special label as “impossible to resist?”
Where to start? How about the biological imperative….as a species there is a biological imperative to reproduce, but the individual isn’t subject to it. Thus, an individual can be celibate without the whole race falling apart. And the moral imperative? Why is abstinence different from other moral imperatives? Stealing is immoral–those who steal feel shame, and should. Gluttony, cowardice, anger, all shameful, and most of the world agrees that they ought to be. Why does sexuality get the shame-free pass for all time? Sex is optional, people!
…because, girls, I really can’t expect you to value yourselves as women and wait. Because “biological imperative” really means we’re animals, and animals must.
I will mention abstinence a few times (wink, wink), but you gotta do what you gotta do. Just like I did. I will use words like “cherish” and “love”, but these are all code words for “Don’t forget to take your pills.”
Sorry, I just don’t have enough faith in you, faith in myself as your mother and guide, faith in your wonderful father, or maybe all 3.
Sex is your destiny. Go get it!
Love, Mom.
You got is right Kel. Excellent post.
Um, no being abstinent didn’t get you pregnant, but choosing to have unprotected sex did. Are we that much slaves to our sex drives that we can’t control our urges, express our sexuality in a different manner, or rationally say, “hey, no glove (condom), no love?”
Let’s be really, really, really honest about all this, then. If we’re to accept that abstinence doesn’t work for all people, then the ones it’s not working for are those who lack the animal-transcending capacity for self-control. The weakest among us, in other words — bearing in mind that such weakness is an act of the will, not of the mind.
Eugenically speaking, these are the ones we want thinned out of the herd, because their presence in civilization weakens civilization. Since this isn’t a genetic defect we can’t rid ourselves of such weak people through selective breeding, so we’re limited to social mechanisms.
Perhaps they should not be allowed to vote or hold political office. I dunno. But a pro-choice mentality would champion a social contract’s prerogative to abort such people before they become cultural participants. Just neuter their existence and let it be the effete, powerless thing they’ve decided they can’t rise above anyway. Can’t be more than an animal? Fine. You have no franchise in society.
Now all of that is just stream-of-consciousness drivel, of course, but it’s exploring the point: those for whom abstinence works are the strong among us. Needless to say, the ridicule of virginity by the weakest among us is a pathetic thing — idiots mocking the wise.
She thought making a “choice” (abortion) would haunt her the rest of her days, yet she’s ready to rush her HIGH-SCHOOL AGE daughters on down to PP whenever the “need” may arise???
Nooooo…nobody can control their “urges”. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do..whenever the urge strikes you.
Guess my husband and I (who waited for marriage at age 40/42) are just “freaks of nature” then.
Oh, and pray tell, Shannon, WHY would you be “haunted for the rest of your days” about a simple, little “surgical procedure?” Hmmmmmmm? Pro-choicers, you better talk some sense into this woman! She thinks abortion might cause regret!!!! Whoopsies!
If we can refrain from having sex in the middle of the supermarket, then I think it might be something we can control. (!) Abstinance isn’t about going as far as you can short of intercourse, and we have to learn how to avoid moments of difficulty.
You know how as a teen sometimes we don’t know enough not to drink beer on an empty stomach? We get sick and we regret it. As an adult, we are perfectly capable of going to a barbeque and not guzzing the beer first, because we learned!
Why do pro-choicers think that behavoir can’t be learned? Yes, you got pregnant, but that child isn’t the one who failed or broke a promise to himself and if you’d stayed pregnant a little longer, that child would never have deserved to be killed deliberately. When we can’t practice abstinence, we should value the children we concieve. The whole pro-choice mentality is that some children are less equal than others. That’s just plain wrong.
And what happens when the birth control fails, as it so often does?
@Pamela
Freak is a badge of honor in this world.
Ninek–I still like to guzzle the 1st beer while I’m waiting for the ribs. Just sayin’. Don’t judge. :)
If we can refrain from having sex in the middle of the supermarket, then I think it might be something we can control. (!) Abstinance isn’t about going as far as you can short of intercourse, and we have to learn how to avoid moments of difficulty.
And I would say that a “moment of difficulty” would be perhaps being alone with the other party in a place where you know “making out” could easily take place. If you really *want* to remain abstinent, you will. It never fails. But sometimes, COMMON SENSE DOES.
Deciding you’re going to get alone with the other person and make out with the “hopes” to stay abstinent is, in a word, stupid.
Guess my husband and I (who waited for marriage at age 40/42) are just “freaks of nature” then.
My son and future son-in law are getting married next June and they are waiting. They are two healthy, happy young people who are active in their church and community — not at all freakish.
In short, abstinence with respect to one thing may mean abstinence with respect to another. A recovering alcoholic must abstain from alcohol — but they all know that means changing other behaviors too.
“Well that demands too much of me then!”
So add laziness to being a fool. Heh.
Courtnay, I’m going to barbeque with you! LOL!
Tsk.
‘Tis a biological “imperative” I have lived twenty years without :O I don’t feel like it’s hurt me or anything. I know I’m not responsible enough for a baby at this point in time, so naturally I’m not going to make choices that could easily lead to a baby. It’s simple, really. :)
“Abstinence got me pregnant.”
Where;s Moronic Prochoice Quotes when you need her?
If she hopes her daughters abstain, taking them to PP should help that hope be realized. I take my kids to baseball games and sporting goods stores, and I really hope they don’t play on baseball teams someday. (Eye roll). No logic and no self-control is a pitiful and dangerous combination.
In high school, my sex-ed class did that exercise where you “care” for a robotic “baby” for a week. The constant attention that thing needed was enough of a turn-off for me that I decided to wait to have sex (thus risking having a real baby) until I had reached a place in life where I could manage it. Fast forward 15 years, and here I am married just over 1 year with a surprise 3-month-old baby girl! Yep, I got pregnant within 6 weeks of marriage! So does that mean it was the abstinence that led to my pregnancy?
Lifejoy, good point. Moms and Dads tell their kids to not smoke, to not do drugs, to stay in school, etc. And they don’t give them little “safety nets” in case their children decide to go against these values. Well, let me modify–there are some parents who allow their kids to drink alcohol in their homes with their friends, on the premise that they have it contained there. But the police don’t buy that one. Anyhow, why is sexual activity an exception? We can make demands of our children. We can warn them of the consequences. We can help them if they fall. That’s called LIFE people. What’s more–there are many, many adverse consequences to premarital sex–untimely pregnancy, to me, pales before the long term emotional damage of giving yourself completely to someone who is not willing to marry you, and showing it by actually marrying you!!!!
She goes on about the so-called “biological imperative” for sex, but thinks it’s ideal for a woman to wait until 35 to have babies! 35 is considered “advanced maternal age” and a woman’s fertility will have dropped sharply as her body prepares for menopause. This lady has no better grasp on biology than she does on self-control.
And let me say this: My boyfriend was in love with me and he was responsible (as far as any 20-year-old young man can be), but protection wasn’t as high on his list in the heat of the moment because he couldn’t get pregnant. MEN CAN’T GET PREGNANT. So when their hormones take over, the consequences seem much further removed.
I just love how men are absolved of any sort of responsibility. I mean, once the menfolk get their blood up, they’re just ignorant animals who can’t help themselves, so it’s our job as womenfolk to bend over, grab our ankles, and be good little girls for the brutes. HOW EMPOWERING, AMIRITE?!
Ha! In the comments the author admits that her title is misleading and says it maybe should be “My Misguided Attempt at Abstinence Got Me Pregnant”
And I would agree actually. Parents need to teach their children HOW to be abstinent. They will never learn that in school with sex-ed. If your daughter is going off alone with her boyfriend and engaging in heavy petting (do they call it that anymore?) the chances of her remaining abstinent is lowered dramatically. Give me a break; it is entirely possible and reasonable to organize your life to avoid those “heat of the moment” times.
“So when their hormones take over, the consequences seem much further removed.”
True. So talk to your daughters about not putting themselves in a situation where their hormones can “take over”.
Lrning – to summarize your excellent comment, what’s needed is chastity education instead of abstinence education.
Our doctor adamantly recommended my 11-year old son receive the HPV vaccine because, “Abstinence is a good ideal, but a lot of kids have sex; and you don’t know what your kids are doing 24 hours a day.” I asked him, “Is your wife here at the office with you today? If not, she doesn’t know what you’re doing 24 hours a day, and a lot of men are unfaithful in marriage. Have you received the vaccine?”
He said he didn’t need the vaccine because in his relationship, his wife knows what he is NOT doing 24 hours a day. I told him that in my relationship with my children, I know what they are NOT doing 24 hours a day as well.
I now see a different doctor who understands this.
If biological imperative was the only thing that mattered then these pro-choice women would be against abortion which is very decidedly anti-nature.
Mrs JVR when was your baby born? I have a 3 month old too! :-)
Calendar Rhythm Method of birth control has a failure rate of about 13-20% I think? Maybe she was just too young at the time to realize that.
Eric – good one.
So abstinence flies in the face of nature? There are animals that mate for life, including swans and wolves. Are they examples of nature flying against their own nature?
Knowledge is power: inform your kids that PP is where other teenagers who are fearful, impulsive, morally weak, misguided or uninformed come to murder their “unwanted” children after having pre-marital sex, or “safe” sex. Infomr them that children just don’t happen – they are a real consequence of having sexual intercourse. Abstinence is the only method that is 100% effective – no shame.
Exactly, U-104 ;)
phillymiss: I meant “freaks of nature” according to MS. Bradley-Colleary’s “logic”.
I know waiting until marriage is not “freakish”. :)
“People who choose abstinence as a self-protective measure have my admiration, because I was incapable of doing so.”
If if is not possible to resist the ‘biological imperative’, then why prosecute rapists?
“People who choose abstinence as a self-protective measure have my admiration, because I was incapable of doing so.”
I remember a girl in high school who had the same problem. She was very popular with the boys. It was the first time I heard the term ‘nymphomaniac’.
“People who choose abstinence as a self-protective measure have my admiration, because I was incapable of doing so.”
Staying straight and sober and avoiding behavior that revs up the hormone production will make it easier to abstain.
Courtney,
I know you were being facitious when you wrote this:
“Sex is your destiny. Go get it!
Love, Mom.”
But I am being serious when I predict what the males re-action would be:
And all the horny young men were whooping and hollering and agreeing emphatically and shouting, “You go girls.!”
Next week “How not playing Basketball got me into the NBA.”
“I just love how men are absolved of any sort of responsibility. I mean, once the menfolk get their blood up, they’re just ignorant animals who can’t help themselves, so it’s our job as womenfolk to bend over, grab our ankles, and be good little girls for the brutes. HOW EMPOWERING, AMIRITE?!”
x,
I used to be one of those ‘ignorant brutes’, but I ‘evolved’.
Menfolk are not absolved of responsibility just because it is a biological impossibility for them to get pregnant.
‘The male mounts and the female bares.’
[I read that somewhere. It is short and to the point.]
But the female is not obligated to be mounted, even by her husband.
She makes a choice. [With the exception of rape.]
And the responsible male makes a choice to provide for her and their children.
She said she used the rhythm method in the heat of the moment. Doesn’t sound like the rythm method to me. Someone should tell this poor woman that the “rhythm method” has nothing to do with the motion you use.
Yes, abstinence does not work without the notion of chastity and the awareness of one’s
inherent worth and dignity attached to that ideal. It’s like throwing the cookies on the table and saying ‘no’. However, if the cookies are put in their proper place, the person is trained in how and why to use the cookies properly and then supervised until the age of control comes about-about the age of 20, then yes, chastity does work well….chastity is saying ‘yes’ to God’s plan for love and happiness and not ‘No’ to what another authority figure deems to be ’naughty’ and ‘not allowed’. Chastity is integrating the good and beautiful of the sexual act into God’s plan. No wonder she didn’t get it. She did not have the tools and the training, poor kid. I fear for her kids who will be unleashed upon the world unfettered yet fully drugged and prepared for unhappiness.
But making abstinence a moral imperative just breeds shame, self-loathing and, more often than not, failure to live up to the ideal.
No, it helps foster self-respect and self-control. I’m also getting quite sick of people acting like abstinence is an impossible (or nearly impossible) ideal.
“She said she used the rhythm method in the heat of the moment. Doesn’t sound like the rythm method to me.”
I was thinking the same thing! In the heat of the moment, we decided to use a method of birth control that requires pre-planning. lol.
In the comment section of her article,
Bradley-Colleary also adds,
“I was never good with a condom. But I’m hoping PP will teach my girls. They simply have to do everything smarter than I did.”
You go, Shannon. Thanks so much for making our gender sound intelligent. After that statement, the good old boys will really start taking us serious now.
Well Praxades, condoms are incredibly complicated. I mean, do you put it on the ear? The nose? The toe? I mean, who really knows but the folks at PP! Only they can decipher those confusing diagrams and instructions!
“They simply have to do everything smarter than I did.”
Well it is almost physically impossible to be dumber, i hope.
But, but…she wasn’t abstinent.