Mother gives back adopted son
by Carder
I was bleeding heavily, sitting on the rug, crying. My two little ones were hiding behind a chair, crying. And it hit me: This is a domestic violence situation; if their dad had done this, I would take our children somewhere safe.
Forget love. Right then, I didn’t even like J. In his short little life, he’d had a ton of loss. But it was clear to me that I was pushing him away to keep the smaller children safe. I couldn’t handle the idea of them being hurt. I could see that always putting the other kids’ safety above meeting J’s needs was creating a barrier between us.
It was a painful situation.
~ Adoptive mother Stacey Conner, describing the difficulty of dealing with a violent adoptive child and making the decision to place him back up for adoption, via Yahoo Shine, March 20, which adds the end of the story:
Eight months after the Conners had brought J and their daughter from Haiti to Spokane, his new parents arrived in town. Conner’s therapist warned her that J likely wouldn’t weep or protest when he left. Indeed, he just walked away (and by all accounts is thriving with his new family).
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
Well..sigh..it sounds like she tried but couldnt she have gotten him some therapy or something. Glad j is thriving with his new family. Were there other things going on here? We will never know as none of us were present.
Adoption is a very positive option (what can be more negative than “kill her”?), but it does come with difficulties, it’s not the natural order of things. Heck, even regular families come with difficulties! A wise adoptive father told me that it’s critical that every parent get a physical and mental health screening of their adopted child, so that any issues can be identified early and addressed early. The man has a unique family, one child adopted through foster care as a teenager, a biological child, and a child adopted as an infant.
So sad. :(
This absolutely breaks my heart.
Adoption can be really hard. I’m glad J is thriving with his new family.
Well, I can see where she is coming from. My adopted son was very difficult to raise — he could be disruptive, but not violent like this child apparently was. She had her other children to look out for. At one time my ex-husband wanted to rescind the adoption, but I said no. He is still incarcerated and hopefully the court will credit him with time served (three months) and put him into rehab. In the meantime, I want nothing to do with him until he straightens himself out — not just for himself, but for those two beautiful children he has.
I feel the need to point out that not all adoption stories are sad ones. And that there is no shortage of biological children who have these types of issues, as well.
Okay when a five year old with RAD hits you that’s not a “domestic violence situation” that is an ill child who needs someone else if you can’t deal with it. Whenever I read from these “mothers” who got rid of their young kids because of mental illnesses I wonder what they are going to do to their bio kids if they have problems.
This happens a lot. People give away their foreign-adopted children to the point I almost think that foreign adoptions should be illegal.
See here about more people getting rid of kids: http://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1
She was never his mother. Mothers don’t get rid of their kid because he can’t magically adjust after eight months.
And yes I know I’m not being fair. I just really hate how people call themselves “parents” and then get rid of their kids because they are difficult.
I feel the need to point out that not all adoption stories are sad ones.
Of course they don’t. I am still very pro-adoption. I know of adopted kids that turned out very well.
Great and half the comments on that article are about how she should have spanked or “whipped” him and that would have fixed him right up. Yes, because corporal punishment is totally a good idea against kids with RAD, especially since there was a high chance that he was abused in Haiti before she got him. Just hit him until he behaves! There’s some beautiful redneck logic.
I don’t mean to be too harsh on this mother and I get that sometimes the older kids adopted need to be in families where there are no younger siblings. But why isn’t this researched beforehand? Why isn’t it required that the children get psychiatric evaluations to find out what possible problems might arise, so they can be placed in families that are forewarned and hopefully won’t just get rid of them once their behaviors manifest? I’m sure it was not good for that boy to be placed in a home and then taken out of it. Domestic adoptions of older kids fail at a rate of 10 to 25 percent, and considering that the majority of the “re-homing” is done with foreign adopted children I bet the failure rate for foreign adoptions is higher. We really need to do something to prevent this stuff. People aren’t entitled to children, but children are entitled to parents. It should be about finding the right family for children who need them, not fulfilling some desire of a childless couple.
I still wonder what she’s going to do if her other adopted child or her bio kids end up with a mental illness or other behavioral problems. It’s a lot harder to “re-home” your bio kids without getting in trouble.
Jack, exactly. I also think this lady should have done some research and considered if they were ready to adopt an older child when she already had children.
I feel like so many people adopt because they have this romantic, fairtytale idea of what it will be like. You really need to go into adoptions with open eyes.
And AMEN on the spanking thing. That just drives me nuts. That is *not* what this child needed.
But no, not all adoptions are bad. I have two adorable cousins who are adopted (they were some of the last out of the country where they were born) and even though they were two and are now well-adjusted, the first years were rough. My aunt is very honest about how difficult it was, all the emotional problems they dealt with, but they knew that going in, they stuck with it, and now they have a thriving, lovely family. It’s not that it’s not great and needed, but people need to know what they’re getting into and honestly evaluate if they’re up to the challenge.
Right exactly and what if these were her bio kids?! I feel like if you’ve adopted a kid, that kid is to be seen as untradeable and non-neogtiable and equal to your bio kids. If your bio kids had this issue, would you put them up for adoption or get them help?
My bet is you would get them help. I wasn’t there, I don’t know all the issues, but my heart breaks for this little boy and the added trauma this probably heaped on his little heart.
“And AMEN on the spanking thing. That just drives me nuts. That is *not* what this child needed. ”
Yep. I’m not a spanking fan in general (I’m NOT getting into that argument here, lol), but I can see why some parents use it on occasion even if I don’t like it. But you never, ever, should use physical punishment against kids with attachment disorders. It compounds damage pretty badly.
“Right exactly and what if these were her bio kids?! I feel like if you’ve adopted a kid, that kid is to be seen as untradeable and non-neogtiable and equal to your bio kids. If your bio kids had this issue, would you put them up for adoption or get them help?”
Well some people do give their bio children to the courts when they are teens, declare them incorrigible and have them made a ward of the state. I knew some of these kids in that situation when I was homeless. Usually they had a rough family situation in the first place, I bet it’s less likely to happen in stable families. But yeah, in general people don’t “re-home” their bio kids. I don’t think it’s fair to treat adopted children like they are optional kids while you treat the bio kids like they are yours.
I am wondering if he sensed that she loved the other kids and not him, and that contributed to his behavior problems.
I have read stories of agencies not fully disclosing children’ s problems, so that needs to be addressed. But I do think that foreign countries have good reason to be suspicious of American families because of the Russian boy that was put on a plane alone. How can a family find help without resorting to expulsion from the home? It hurts my heart for these children.
I think what’s making me mad about her is that she called it “domestic violence” when he hit her in the nose, and compared it to as if her husband hit her and the kids. He’s five! You don’t get to call a five-year-old an abuser. When I was around that age or maybe a little younger I would bite and hit anyone at church who tried to touch me, I clearly remember some old guy who tried to give me a hug and I bit him and hit him. It wouldn’t have been fair to compare me to an adult who abuses people. You don’t treat abused/abandoned/ill children as if they are adults and should be treated like them.
I just think she’s selfish, you can see it when she talks about how she is glad she had the experience because now she knows what kids she can love or not. What about him? Was he glad that his first “forever family” *snort* decided that he wasn’t as lovable as their other kids?
Re: Spanking. Yeah I don’t want to get into it on this blog either, but the older I get (lol) the more I’m leaning towards less or not at all (but before people freak out I’m not spanking my 8 mo baby – talking about future here).
Right - when they are teens. What breaks my heart is this little adopted kid who has been through a lot and is probably lashing out because, like you said, maybe he wasn’t feeling as loved as her kids, just gets traded. Like, Oh here let me adopt you (which is a big deal for an “older” child) and then. Oops. You lashed out. Never mind. Here, go to a different home. It’s just really sad to me. It’s my dream to adopt one day, but I’m going to look long and hard at our family dynamics at the time to make sure we will be able to give a kid the stability and unconditional love that all kids need – but especially orphans.
“It’s my dream to adopt one day, but I’m going to look long and hard at our family dynamics at the time to make sure we will be able to give a kid the stability and unconditional love that all kids need – but especially orphans. ”
That’s what I see a lot of these re-homing “parents” NOT doing. They seem to have some fairy tale idea of adoption (read the link I posted, these people are ridiculous sometimes) and when the kid doesn’t play along with their perfect idea they get rid of him or her. I want to foster older teen boys, because they get overlooked all the time, but I’m not naive enough to think it would be safe to have them in the home with my five and three year old kids. So, fostering has to wait until the home environment is such that the foster kids can get the attention they need, and my children are safe. You have to think of these things. I appreciate people want to help, but man, Idk donate or something if you aren’t going to do your research.
The first thing I thought of when reading this story was it screamed Reactive Attachment Disorder. Plus, J was from Haiti a wholly different race, language, and culture from US white middle class suburbia. That is a lot for any child’s coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, many people have unrealistic expectations. Even with intensive therapy, it can take as long to adjust to his new environment as he lived in his old one. You are asking a child to integrate his previous identity with his new one and reform behaviors that are maladaptive in this context.
“The first thing I thought of when reading this story was it screamed Reactive Attachment Disorder. Plus, J was from Haiti a wholly different race, language, and culture from US white middle class suburbia. That is a lot for any child’s coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, many people have unrealistic expectations. Even with intensive therapy, it can take as long to adjust to his new environment as he lived in his old one. You are asking a child to integrate his previous identity with his new one and reform behaviors that are maladaptive in this context. ”
Quoted for truth. He wasn’t committing domestic violence, he was a little kid dealing with RAD and culture shock. Gosh how dare he not be completely adjusted perfectly in eight months.
Yeah i dont get the domestic violence thing either. Hes a kid not some 200 pound man. It is sad.
Stacy Conner looks too thin to me. Good grief, woman, sit down and eat a couple cheeseburgers.
Heather: He’s a kid not some 200 pound man.
http://imageshack.com/a/img46/1331/i2q3.png
You don’t see those 200 lb. toddlers in Haiti.
DLPL that’s what I thought too. Her drawing the parallel between if the kid and if it was the kids’ father was far out there and completely unfair to this kid.
She was acknowledging that her fears of her children being hurt were interfering with her giving him what he needed. If that’s the honest truth, and he is indeed thriving with his new parents, it wasn’t a bad move to find him someone who knew how to love him better. It may be a cop out on her end, but it’s not about her. It’s about him.
My sister is adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. They made sure that the child they get will be their youngest so they can devote all their attention on her. They know there could be issues and they’re really well-prepared. I think this lady’s adoption agency wasn’t very good if they didn’t guide her a little better.
And I hate that she gave him up too. Like others said “would you give up your bio kids?”
My sister bristles at the thought that anyone will think she sees her adopted daughter any differently than she sees her bio sons. She says “This will be my CHILD. There is no difference!”
I think adoption is a life-saving thing and can be very beautiful but we shouldn’t look at it through rose-colored glasses. It is very hard on older children.
“If that’s the honest truth, and he is indeed thriving with his new parents, it wasn’t a bad move to find him someone who knew how to love him better. It may be a cop out on her end, but it’s not about her. It’s about him.”
True enough. I think he’s probably miles better off away from her and her lack of love. My problem is people doing this over and over, adopting kids without doing the barest amount of research on how to deal with kids from deprived or abusive backgrounds and then giving them away to strangers when they aren’t immediately perfect and then talking about what great and loving parents they were. Doesn’t anyone know what it’s like to be the “bad” one and know that your so-called “parents” love your “siblings” but not you? These kids deal with that over and over.
She seems narcissistic to me anyway. Talking about her “perfect multicultural family for two weeks” and how he taught her what kids she couldn’t love. Gross.
From the article: “But if I said ‘It’s time to go’ or anything that asserted I was in control, he’d rage, bang and scream for hours.” Very quickly, Conner had a sinking feeling she tried to push away. “I was committing the worst maternal sin: I felt like I loved one child less than the others.”
Okay, can I be honest here? I have a child, mine, whom I bore, and he is difficult. He is EXTREMELY difficult to deal with. There are days when I think, “You know, I don’t particularly like him right now.” He torments his siblings at times and sometimes we wonder where in the world he came from. :D
He is a strong-willed child. Strong willed children may quite often rage and scream and protest. (Hint, adoptive mom: He might have been testing you to see if you really meant “forever”.) One does not have to be an adopted child from a foreign country in a strange culture to assert one’s very stubborn (and sometimes explosive) free will. Trust me. And as moms, we aren’t perfect. We will sometimes have kids who are “easy” to feel those happy, lovey feelings about, and we will sometimes have kids who seem to test every ounce of strength and decency we thought we had. But that doesn’t mean we give up on them. Love doesn’t just commit for the happy times. Love is very often a sacrifice.
I’m afraid people like this adoptive mom may have the wrong idea about what family life is supposed to be like.
Several years ago in our community, a young mother of three sons, all of whom were in foster homes, made the decision to have the children adopted so that they could be together under one roof with one set of parents. She wanted them to have the stable home she was unable to provide.
I was saddened to hear this young woman criticized and condemned. According to this young mother, she had been through a terribly abusive marriage and it had so devastated her emotionally and mentally, that she had all she could do to manage her own life, much less be responsible for three other lives.
I told people what an incredible act of love and unselfishness this was and how unfortunate it was more parents don’t make such decisions on behalf of their children. I also told them this was likely a very difficult and heartbreaking decision for her to make. Also, who says she can’t stay in touch with her children and be part of their lives?
One co worker said, “well, why did she have these kids if she had all these problems”? I replied its possible that maybe at one time her life was a happy one or one she could cope with and things just went downhill. We don’t know what happened or how, only that she has the wisdom and insight, and in my opinion the love, to put the well being of her children first.