Mom of large family: Keep your “friendly concern” to yourself
After I had baby #3, it wasn’t so easy to announce I was going to have another baby. One, two, three babies are socially acceptable. People don’t bat an eyelash at three children. Venturing out into the world of four or more children–well, that’s where it gets tricky. You might as well announce you are getting ready to birth an alien with five eyeballs and two heads.
Right out of the gate, just announcing the fact that you are expecting again used to keep me up at night. I didn’t want to face people’s judgment and criticism. I didn’t want it to cloud the happiness that my husband and I felt at the idea of another child to fill up our home and our hearts.
“Can you afford another baby?”
“How will you be able to juggle another baby when the rest of your children are so young?”
“What about your health?”
“Do you really think this is a good time?”
“So soon?”
“Aren’t you on birth control?”
I mean, the list of “friendly concern” from friends and family who “meant well” went on and on….
Perhaps my idea of keeping the pregnancy a secret from everyone failed. But my motives were clear: I know you love me and my family, but keep your comments, your lectures and your advice to yourself.
In my humble opinion, the only thing a person should say to a pregnant woman is, congratulations.
~ Denise Cortes, BabyCenter’s Momformation Blog, February 15
[Photo of Cortes and her children via 4kidsormore.com]
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
Amen!!
I went through this myself when I had baby number four. Barely a congratulations from some family members. My friend had recently had baby number 5 and did not announce it until she was definitely showing because she went through the same thing with her extended family. We’re good moms who love our children dearly. I just don’t understand what this world is coming to.
I had three babies under three years of age, and my mom was actually the worst offender. Because my first two were thirteen months apart, she spent the entire time after the second was born (and now after the third was born) badgering me about waiting to have another. She even went so far as to recommend a certain form of birth control, and this is coming from a woman who never gave me “the talk” when I was growing up. I’m excited to have another baby, but I dread telling my mother, and that’s just sad.
Our culture is so hostile to pregnancy. For many the solution seems to be to claim the additional pregnancy was accidental— which gives the prodeath supporters reason to claim women need more ‘access’ to contraceptives and abortion.
But some people just want to have kids without offending all their friends.
The next generation is no longer a duty or a goal but just a source of amusement and fulfillment (and Social Security money), nothing more.
That hurts. I was baby #4 and I am so glad to be here! I had rude comments regarding both my pregnancies. I got asked “arent you in birth control?” That irked me the most. My sister has 4 boys and she has gotten all sorts of comments.
Sorry for tpos. On my phone.
The term “pro-choice” is a lie.
Sara, when I told my mom I was expected our third (over the phone), there was silence, and then:”Well, you’re going to have your hands full.” No congrats, just a comment that was meant to make me feel like I had misbehaved! LOL! I had at the time a 4 yr and a 3 yr old. Like I didn’t know what it meant to have my hands full!
I have had 7 children, and I must look mean or something, but I really don’t get any problems from anybody when they see I am pregnant again. Maybe the solution is to look like you could beat them up.
Susan, I bet you got MAD skillz!!
My plan is to say, “well, someone’s got to make up for all you slackers” :D
Children are a blessing from the Lord. We lean on Him when people criticize us for having a 3rd after losing our 2nd child to miscarriage. Our daughter is due March 1st and we are so blessed!
Congratulations!! (hey, it really isn’t that hard t say!) :)
I am pro-life. My mother is pro-life. But I was terrified to tell her when we were having our 3rd, because she is a “worrier,” as well.
As it ended up, she was ecstatic.
However, we recently had a conversation where she made it clear to me that she thought I “had enough on my plate” should I ever consider another pregnancy.
I prayed for help to hold my tongue. :D
I have a friend who has 4, like me. Her mother comes over and says, “You have too many kids.”
My friend always answers, “Which ones would you like me to get rid of Mom?”
They are waiting to tell her that they are adopting a little girl with special needs from China. Maybe they can break the news when they get off the plane……?? :)
Just had baby # 4 and could not agree more with Denise Cortes. I especially don’t like the’ are you (or hubby) going to get ‘fixed’ ‘ comments. My reply- Why? I’m not broken-obviously. My own brother told me I should stop. He seems to forget that I am baby #5 from our family so his comments really hurt rather than seemed funny which I suppose is how he meant them. My reply to him’ Why stop? We make such adorable children’ To which ,I am happy to say, he was speechless!
My brother and his wife have 4……the youngest is almost 2. The oldest turned ten last August. They spaced them pretty evenly….their son will be 5 next week…he was 3 when his baby sister was born. You can space children without using the carcinogen birth control pill. And, btw, vacations are llmited to Colorado or Missouri (no big vacations to disney world every year like I know there are families out there that do that and have only one or two).. However, I am going to try to convince them to do the black hills this year…they went their for their first family vacation when their oldest was not quite 2 yet.
I had seven children, and the worst offenders were fellow members of my Catholic parish! When my last child died at the age of four months, those who had derided me for daring to have so many children avoided me, not knowing what to say when just months earlier they had rolled their eyes at me and said “Don’t you have enough?”
I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious baby, Cathy.
I’m the oldest of 6 kids. 13 years between me and my youngest sibling. Aside from everyone thinking that my little brother was MY kid, another Mom got was, “Are these all yours?” “Yes.” “All from the same marriage and everything?” “Yes.” as if they were looking for an excuse for us, to make us seem more acceptable or something.
This is exactly why I don’t tell my (pro-abortion) aunt that we’re still trying for another baby. We only have the ONE child. She found out accidentally about my second miscarriage (she has no idea about the other three/four!).
She sent me a very nasty e-mail, the gist of which was:
“Well…that’s what you get for trying to have another one at YOUR age! You don’t NEED another one, anyway!”
If we DO succeed in having another baby, we’re not going to tell her about it until i’m too far along for her to “suggest” an abortion.
I was actually SCARED to tell her when I was pregnant with our daughter, but
surprisingly, when i DID tell her I was pregnant, she was excited for me.
Anyway, I understand where this mother is coming from.
To the original post: AMEN!!!
“Well…that’s what you get for trying to have another one at YOUR age! You don’t NEED another one, anyway!”
What a hateful thing to say. :(
I got all that with baby #3. Congrats mama! :) I’m also tired of that “How could you have another baby?! Haven’t you heard of contraception or global warming!?!?” attitude>:(
Man, clear part of your property, or cut down your tree, and people feel sorry for the tree and ask if there was anyway you could have saved it cause it was “natural” and bend over backwards trying to think of ways to include the tree in your plans, someone even brought up a study suggesting trees feel pain!!! ….. but have another baby?! Forget natural!! Bring on the artificial hormones and invasive surgery!!! Change your plans to include the baby!?!? How demeaning!! Fetal pain ?!? Bah! Propoganda!! What a sick twisted world we live in!
Cathy,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Pamela,
I’m so sorry for your losses, and the fact that you have to deal with that nonsense from your aunt. I’m happy that you do have one child, and I hope that you are successful in having another.
Thank you so much, Lucy and Kel. :)
“Right out of the gate, just announcing the fact that you are expecting again used to keep me up at night.”
How…sad…
Cathy, I am so sorry for your loss!
I’m tired of the “you need to *stop* that” comments, too! Or the “you *are* done after this, right?” Why do people think they can say things like that? If I walked up to people and made personal comments about them about anything else, I would be seen as a terrible person, but somehow in this culture of death I’m terrible for being thankful that God has blessed us with five children? Warped!
It is awful trying to figure out how to deal with family especially when you’re so excited to be expecting another baby but you know they’re going to say something awful in response to the news…
Praying for you Pamela.
And that’s horrible what happened to you, Cathy. Especially at a Catholic parish of all things! The man who owns the local Catholic bookstore/goods store goes to my parish and they have….5 kids I think…or maybe 6. All boys except 1 that is a girl. A family I grew up wiith, eventually had NINE….mostly boys and then two girls inbetween. Three are married with families of their own. Two go to my parish…one just had their…4th maybe? *gasp* How dare they have more than 2.1 chiildren!
It wasn’t unusual for families to have ten or more children 100+ years ago…mostly because many children died of diseases when they were young (typhoid, scarlet fever, smallpox are a few examples). Why such a hatred for big families now?
Thank you for your kind words. I am now the very happy (and young, at 47!) grandmother of four, with one more grandbaby on the way. Some of the same folks who used wonder how I could handle “so many” kids are a bit jealous of my beautiful family. I think they are just so blown away by us – and now that my daughters are showing their openness to life, by marrying young and having children right away – they see that my “craziness” has gone on to the next generation. :)
I’m truly able to count my blessings now, and am so thankful for all my children, especially my little one in heaven who is looking out for all of us!
I got sooo sick of hearing this after being pregnant with our fourth. One of the questions was “Aren’t you done yet?”!!! Also, from an OB/GYN when I was pregnant with our third, “are we tying tubes yet?” Gasp – I never went back to him again.
Oh, Cathy, I just now read your post. I will pray for you and your loved ones. God Bless you.
It appears that the author is Latina. I wonder if any of this friendly concern stems from the fact that “they” have a high birthrate? I remember I once worked for an attorney who was doing a will for a wealthy businessman who had ten kids. He was Irish Catholic, and she made a comment about how “you know how these people are.” I was shocked!
There are some ignorant people in the world. I would NEVER say someone has too many kids, or ask a couple if they were using birth control. That’s nobody’s business, and besides, its just plain RUDE!
Ah, yes. I agree that the only appropriate thing to say to an expectant mother is “Congratulations”, though if you know that she is in a tight situation, an genuine offer to help anyway you can is also appropriate.
On a somewhat lighter note, a good friend of mine who is a mother of 9 used to get this sort of negative stuff all the time from a cousin or brother in law. He finally shut up after she told him, “Yes, and you know what? We finally found out what was causing it, and since then we’ve been having more fun than you can imagine!”
Cheers!
I got sooo sick of hearing this after being pregnant with our fourth. One of the questions was “Aren’t you done yet?”!!! Also, from an OB/GYN when I was pregnant with our third, “are we tying tubes yet?”
That’s one big thing I appreciate about my OB/GYN – her questions to me have always been along the lines of, “Do you plan to have any more children?” Never once has she suggested that I should be “done.”
“We’re just trying to outnumber the idiots, i see we need to have at least one more.”
Robin, Amen! Congratulations on your beautiful family.
Here is great article, “Why My Big Family Is Not Overpopulating the Earth”.
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/jennifer-fulwiler/why-my-big-family-is-not-overpopulating-the-earth/
Janet – that article was wonderful!! thanks.
Congratulations to everyone on their children/family! YAY kids! I only have two children – and in addition, I have many spiritual children, praise God!
U-104 says:
February 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm
“We’re just trying to outnumber the idiots, i see we need to have at least one more.”
Good one, U-104. Actually made me “LOL”! ;)
@Kel,
After that experience, I found a NFP friendly OB/GYN in my area. No offense to anyone on this blog that uses b/c, but this is the mentality and culture we live in. If you don’t use contraception, your looked at by some as a little nutty. Even this father/son OB/GYN team sort of smirked when I first became a patient told them I don’t use anything.
oops, can’t get the editing to work! I meant the father/son OB-GYN team sort of smirked when I first became a patient and told them that I do not use anything (b/c).
Doe,
My wifes OB/GYN actually asked me if I was gonna get snipped in the delivery room while waiting to deliver our fifth. I told him he would have to catch me in my casket to get a chance at that. We have six now and needless to say we found another OB/GYN for that delivery.
Oh, truthseeker, good for you! You are so blessed. I know, it’s absolutely crazy that OB’s ask you these questions, but I suppose it has become the norm. I have not been able to get pregnant in 7 years for whatever reason. I’m trusting in God’s Providence, though.
Praying for you, Doe.
It’s no ones business how many children you have or don’t have. I can’t have any and people ask me “why don’t you adopt”? Which hurts by the way. Other people want to tell us all about their children when we don’t want to hear about it. Which also hurts.
If you’re expecting, Wonderful! :) That means that your family Will Continue. You may even be blessed enough to have grandchildren too. Don’t let anyone tell you how many children to have or even when. Having babies is a good thing, yes a good thing. The human race, though seemingly undeserving sometimes will go on. Our family is dying because we can’t have children and we are both only’s. So don’t have just one and don’t let anyone bully you into only having one or two, ever.
Good for you truthseeker.
Doe, don’t just sit there see if you have a hormonal problem or could be Rh factor even. I had horrible endometriosis and didn’t know until it was too late too late.
It’s none of anyone’s damned business if you’re gettting “snipped” ” tied” or use birth control. What a bunch of moronic control freaks this country has turned into!
How many you have or don’t have isn’t anyone’s business. I wish that the nosy nosys would stay out of people’s bedrooms and their lives for a change.
As for comments you might as well add that “You are beautiful” because quite often pregnant ladies have this neat I’m going to be a Mom glow.
I was having a (sort of) friendly argument with someone at work re: the Duggars. She said they were irresponsible for having so many children. I said, “Which of their kids do you think shouldn’t be here?” She didn’t have much of a response to that.
If anyone is having fertility problems or woman problems with periods, please look up Na-Pro technology. It uses natural, minimal intervention to help deal with a woman’s cycles and difficulties. You can look for a provider via the internet, and after looking at your natural hormone levels, if you need intervention with hormones, they do it with natural hormones – just what your particular body needs.
And one of my friends had a problem with getting pregnant due to endometreosis and she had special surgery, and now is 6 months pregnant with a son. Man-made hormones mask what is going on in the body…..
I get tons of comments when I’m out with my four boys. Finally I had enough… One day, I was with my guys and a lady 20 feet away hollered, “you know what causes that, don’t you?”. I grinned and yelled back a little louder, “oh, yes- bit we have so much fun we just can’t give it up!”. She stared silently back at me like a grumpy Puritan.
Maybe when people- strangers or family members or whatever- want to comment on our sex lives the best way to shut them up is to give a little more info than they bargained for. And be chipper about it!!
P.S. My mom was the worst, too. I lied awake at night thinking how and when to tell her about being pregnant the last time. What really stinks is that she has four kids, too. She just got swept away in the general culture, I guess. :(
Does anyone else brace themselves in line at the grocery store? That’s when all the socially inept comments seem to crop up for me.
At the end of the day, I hug my four boys. And they are left with a cat or something- and their social awkwardness. I’m feeling more sorry for them.
Mary Ann,
They are jealous. My kids had Christian homeschooling up until eigth grade and entered public high school. It was a shock but our daily prayer together as a family has been our shield and our source of strength. And we have been doing most of our grocery shoppoing at Aldi. Not much pretention by people in there.
Also, your comments would fit in Jill’s ‘leaving normal’ blogline from a couple days ago. Did you get a chance to read it?
Cathy,
My condolences, on your fellow parishoners, but especially for your loss.
-Kevin
And congratulations on your four boys.
As long as parents take responsiblity for the children they produce or adopt, whatever the number, and do not foist this responsiblity onto others, I have no issue with family size.
On the flip side, when a couple does not have children, whether they’re newly wed or have been married for several years, it’s rude to make comments such as “Are you pregnant yet?” and “When are you two going to have kids?” (comments made by a co-worker and well-meaning friends), it’s none of anyone’s business whether or not I have any children and our reasons as to why we are not expecting yet. Especially when you don’t know the reasons behind their decision, it could be due to secondary infertility (due to complications of prior pregnancy loss), primary infertility of unknown origin, or socio-economic factors and such well meaning comments could be especially hurtful. Also, please don’t quip ”why don’t you just adoption” and presume adoption hasn’t been considered or that it’s a viable option at this time in the individual’s life.
“At the end of the day, I hug my four boys. And they are left with a cat or something- and their social awkwardness. I’m feeling more sorry for them.”
Mary Ann, I don’t have children and although I’m not childless by choice, I’ve reached a point to where I am at peace and with it and don’t need you to feel sorry for me. Instead I have adopted two feline companions (one from a shelter and one from a multiple cat home) and have given them a safe, loving home. I’m not derisive to those with children and would ask that you do the same for those of us without, as again you don’t know the reasons behind why a couple or individual is childless.
And by no means do I think the lady at the super market’s comment was appropriate, I just don’t want to be stereotyped with individuals like her.
@Pamela,
Thank you, Pamela. Ditto. :)
@Susan,
Thank you also. I should check it out. I do think it also might be stress-related due to specific circumstances.
@joy,
Sorry, I just saw your recommendation about Na-Pro. I didn’t even know about that. Thank you!
phillymiss says:
February 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm
“It appears that the author is Latina. I wonder if any of this friendly concern stems from the fact that “they” have a high birthrate? I remember I once worked for an attorney who was doing a will for a wealthy businessman who had ten kids. He was Irish Catholic, and she made a comment about how “you know how these people are.” I was shocked!”
Oh don’t get me started on that! I’m Hispanic and just had my 4th son this past August. I hit people with these statistics: Hispanics account for 16% of the US population and account for 22% of abortions. African Americans account for 13% of the US population and 36% of abortions are done on them. So Hispanics and AAs account for 29% of the US population and 58% of abortions. Together we don’t make up 1/3 of the US population and over 580,000 of our children are aborted yearly. Then I say, “Why do you condemn those of us who want to have large families? My body, my choice.”
@Doe – you are welcome. Let me know what you find. I hope that this helps – I have several people let me know that Na-Pro technology helped them with their periods and fertility. a great win-win all the way around! Blessings….
@Rachel C.
I certainly don’t lump someone in your situation with the grocery store commenters. Judging by your comments, I would think you’d never be one of the awkward/rude types to do that. Just because someone has few or no children doesn’t mean they’re rude- I totally get that. :)
I’m glad Joy brought up Na-Pro technology! I have severe endometriosis and this has helped me immensely. And I’ve never needed contraception- by using the NFP method associated with Na-Pro my husband and I have been to space our children according to our family’s health related and financial limits.
NaProTECHNOLOGY-trained physicians can be found at “Find a Medical Consultant Section
http://www.fertilitycare.org/
I have 6 children, born within 8 years. The first 5 are boys. You can’t imagine how many times I heard ‘so sorry you had ANOTHER boy’! As if having a girl was the only reason I ‘kept’ getting pregnant! After awhile, I started to say “I must ask you to BITE your tongue, I consider ALL my children a blessing from God, and the ONLY thing I prayed for was a healthy baby.”
Let’s face it, our nation is not Family-Friendly anymore; we ‘breeders’ are looked at as overusing our ration of Earth’s resources, contributing to overpopulation, and somehow taking something away from those who decided to stop at 1 or 2. Also that we mothers obviously must be dimwitted since we are not out in the workforce, and do not understand HOW to use birth control!
Funny how the plea for tolerance only seems to go in one direction.