Stanek weekend Q: Has society done a disservice to Millennial Moms?
Sorry, a rather lengthy excerpt from a fascinating post at Patheos.com, but it’s all so good!
Understanding the domestic arts as, well, art, has almost totally disappeared from our cultural landscape. Technology (and the corresponding rise in collective wealth that allows most of the US to own it) has rendered many time-honored skills - traditionally passed from mother to daughter - superfluous.
Sewing is one of them. Hand-washing clothes and hanging them on a line to dry is another. Grinding our own wheat, making our own bread, making our own stock, making our own everything was largely shifted from the realm of the necessary to the realm of the optional by the late 50?s.
Suddenly, skills that were highly prized and highly necessary for women to have - skills that required years of practice to master - could suddenly be accomplished in a factory in one-tenth the time and purchased at a store at absurdly low costs. What’s more, the culture hailed these advancements as superior to the work women used to spend hours doing. Wonderbread was eminently preferable to hand-ground, homemade wheat bread. Making your own food and sewing your own clothes were considered a sign of poverty, not a sign of accomplishment.
As a direct result, the housewives of the 50?s and 60?s, by and large, did not pass these skills on to their daughters. They wanted them to have a better life, to reach the American Dream, to be the women who bought their bread and their clothes, the women advertisers insisted were the feminine ideal….
The daughters of the 50?s housewives made incredible strides to advance women’s access to higher education and professional opportunities. The work they did to promote the dignity of women and their inherent value to the professional and political spheres was extraordinary, and opened up a whole new world for the generations of both women and men that have followed. But like all good things, it came with a price.
That price was the cultural denigration of domesticity. Regardless of the personal mores of our individual families, the broader culture my generation was raised in place little, if any, value on stay-at-home mothers….
I’ve come to understand that the domestic arts really are an art, that it takes skill and virtue and mental acuity to be a good wife and mother. I’ve also come to understand that I’m woefully unprepared for this life that I once thought fit only for those women who couldn’t (or didn’t want to) make something of themselves.
Turns out, it’s a whole lot harder than anyone ever said.
A lot of young mothers are in this situation. They are overwhelmed by a life they couldn’t imagine, much less comprehend, before it hit them like a Mack truck. On top of which, they find themselves struggling to learn basic household skills that they weren’t taught because they have no cultural value (seriously, when was the last time anyone heard of a home ec class?), and facing an unprecedented amount of seemingly life-or-death parenting choices.
Should we learn how to sew or how to cook gluten-free? Should we unschool the kids or socialize them? Should we cosleep or Ferberize? And for the love, what the hell with vaccines?!
These are the questions we’re trying to answer while wiping a bottom, nursing a newborn, and fishing a cheerio out of a toddler’s nostril (and yes, we do all three at once in flagrant disregard for basic human hygiene, because the screaming). Oh, and don’t forget that we’re living in unprecedented isolation, in a time and place where we can’t even send our older children outside to play without getting arrested. Meanwhile, science keeps reminding us that we’d be so much happier if we’d just embrace daycare and go to work.
Your thoughts? Have technological advances coupled with feminism left Millennial moms unskilled in the “domestic arts”?
[HT: Monte Harms; graphics via Patheos]
Jill Stanek is a nurse turned speaker, columnist and blogger, a national figure in the effort to protect both preborn and postborn innocent human life.
So Hillary, stay at home moms bake cookies and have teas.
You decided to pursue a career, fine. Who took care of your house and Chelsea?
Well, we already know of one person who “took care” of Billy Boy while she “pursued her career”.
Hi Mike,
But Billy(goat)Boy says he only had sex with her once in the several years of their relationship. I see no reason not to believe him.
I must say she must have been one very frustrated mistress.
I think it’s worth pointing out that 50 or 60 years ago, wages were such that one parent could work, one could stay home, and all was well. Everybody’s seen the graphs – as time has gone on, wage growth has only really kept up for the top percent or two of Americans, so while I know a lot of women (and some men) who would like to stay home with kids and do the things that is talked about in this post – the economic reality of America doesn’t match up.
So have we done a disservice? Yes – while a lot of European countries have valued parenting, and pump a lot of money into maternity/paternity leave, day care coverage, and time off for employees – the American way is pushing wages as low as possible to keep business as strong as possible.
I’m not anti-capitalist – it’s a great system – but it has its trade offs, and one of those is the family in which a parent stayed home while another worked – that’s just not the reality for the majority of Americans. It just isn’t.
Short answer, yes. I certainly didn’t learn any of these things growing up. Now I’m the mother of a 3-month-old trying to learn them as I go, and it’s not easy to do!
I do wish I could be a SAHM, but like Ex posted above, we simply can’t afford for me to do so, no matter how we crunch the numbers.
Sometimes I find the emotional cost of putting together a coherent comment is too high. And this is such a time. I read too much, the original article and many of the linked articles, too many disparate thoughts swimming in my head. Coupled with my own experience as a working mom and a SAHM, I can’t formulate a response to this question right now. Maybe later.
I do have to comment on the idea that capitalism is responsible for low wages and two working parents. As I see it, low wages in the US are caused by greed. Pure and simple. While it might be tempting to lump all of society’s ills on an economic model instead of looking at a generalized lack of individual virtue, it does nothing to solve the problems. Every one of us can positively impact the lives of others with every dollar we spend supporting those companies that pay good wages and are fair to employees. Supporting local businesses, fair trade, and avoiding saving a few bucks at the expense of others would go a long, long way. In my opinion.
Okay, I know this will not be popular, but I seriously think, and it has taken me years to come to this conclusion, and a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. Women are not good at work. I would rather work with a whole multitude of men than two women. We are not happy for each other, we back bite and belittle and condemn. We carry grudges and undermine each other. I have discussed this with other people, it’s not just my observation. Maybe we were home, because it was the best place for us. I don’t understand it, and it makes me sad. I’ve been on the receiving end of it a couple of times.
Now, in my 50’s I think that we did ourselves a huge disservice by devaluing motherhood, marriage and family. The ones who pay the most are the children. Always the children. We sacrifice our children to have more STUFF. Do you know that in 1980 there were NO self storage companies? If we learned to live with less, we could probably make it on one income. We’ve been sold a bill of goods, and we bought and continue to buy it. People who think they can’t make it on one income have never done the math. You need to sit down and analyze the cost of daycare and working outside the home. Often those costs eat up a large part of a second income. If you are working to pay the daycare lady and buy that second tv, you need to reevaluate your life. When I was growing up we had one tv and one phone. Six people used one bathroom and we did just fine. We need to get back to that.
Lrning –
100% agree with you.
Greed at the personal level is a big factor, and people can make differences that change the dynamic.
At the government level, I think we largely ignore families in the budget. Bush’s tax cuts with the per child exemption was great – but beyond that, we’re a country that would much rather invest in a fleet of new fighter jets than expand paid maternity leave for mothers. We just are. And if we have state surpluses, we’d rather cut taxes than help people with day care rates. It is just what we choose to ‘invest’ in – we don’t value kids and families much.
Tara –
Interesting post. And I want to comment without treading into real dangerous waters here…we’ll see how I do.
In my company, many of the best and brightest are women. I also see a lot of what you described.
I don’t think women are naturally worse workers. I think they have skills better suited to some professions, just like we see with men – and while I”m making a broad generalization, I will say there are of course exceptions.
I am shocked though at what some women go through. I know a lady who left a job – she was in line really to run the general operations, adopted a child, and while she was out, the person one step up the ladder left. She was called, told it was going to somebody else, and was literally told that if she was in a different place in life, she would have gotten the job. So I think some of the struggles women go through and some of the attitudes develop because of the hell that they often go through, especially in companies with a ‘good ole boy’ network.
Oh my. I need to get away from this thread.
Our fed govt is the only one that should be investing in fighter jets, certainly not a purchase for state or local govt or private enterprise.
Rather than take care of national defense, you’d like to see our government get involved in increased maternity leave regulation? Citizens can’t possibly find ways to pressure/encourage companies to be more generous in that area w/o govt regulation?
Rather than allow more money to stay in the pockets of citizens when state gov takes too much, the answer is regulating day care rates? More money in my pocket helps me pay for daycare.
We are polar opposites. You seem to think all business regulation is going to create a more fair and balanced society and I think it more often feeds the individual greed and selfishness machine, encouraging the lowest common denominator instead of inspiring generosity. Ugh. What about abortion? Is that a business/industry gov should get busy regulating?
“Women are not good at work”
That’s it. I’m outta here. But first I have to say that I currently work at a company started by women, run by women, that employs only women. It is the most awesome place I have ever worked, bar none.
Saying women aren’t good at work because of the interpersonal difficulties you’ve witnessed is to say that women aren’t good at working relationships with other women. Hogwash. Look deeper.
Lrning –
Would respond, but you said you are out of this thread – if you aren’t, let me know and I’ll respond to your post.
Wow. I’m agreeing with Tara a lot and X—I’m agreeing with you too!!! Hell has frozen over. lol. Just kidding. But I agree with your thoughts here.
Don’t necessarily agree that capitalism is to blame though. People confuse consumerism which is what we have with capitalism. Capitalism isn’t perfect but it is a much better system than others.
I didn’t think I could stay at home either but then I lost my job. I got unemployment for a good while but then…well we figured out that we could eat out less (pretty much never) and be very frugal with coupon cutting etc…and I could stay home. I buy second hand a lot. Or we go without.
My son is still in private school and he still gets to do extra-curricular things. But we pinch. I go without for myself a lot so that I can stay home with my kids. It comes down to my priorities. I’d rather wear the same clothes for four years than work so I can have a new wardrobe.
But I realize some families really cannot do it without two incomes. It is hard. And I feel for moms who want to stay home and can’t. I wanted to be home with my child for years and I was jealous of moms who got to do that.
My kids and I are reading the Little House books before bed every night. It is amazing all the skills they had! I wish I knew how to do all the things they could do. They could make ANYTHING. Including Pa. I wish I knew how to build a door or a chimney with the things nature offered on my land. I wish I was like Ma and could quilt a warm quilt for my children from the scraps of old dresses I had. I wish I could make all the amazing food from scratch they knew how to make. It is sad that my great-grandparents knew how to do this and I knew my great-grandmother. She died when I was 11. I wish I had learned all the things she knew growing up at the end of the Victorian era.
I’m a doomsday kinda person and I fear that if our consumerist society ever collapsed we’d all starve because we have no survival skills. Pushing buttons on a microwave isn’t a good skill when you have no frozen entree to heat up and no electricity in your home.
We hauled our kids to soccer and swim and football and dance. We taught them how to drive a car. They taught themselves how to operate the video games.
But we did not teach them how to do laundry, or cook a dinner, or maintain a lawn mower. Or even how to care for little kids.
Fact is, kids enjoy learning practical skills and owning their household chores. We have denied them that.
Watch it, Del. Your inner Duggar is coming out. ;)
I have never watched the Duggar show. I don’t know much about them, aside from the few quotes we see here.
I am thinking of my own childhood.
And I have some friends who are raising six kids on a little hobby-farm in Iowa. The youths are keeping bees, raising chickens, sewing pretty aprons — and they sell the produce to friends and on the internet. They tend their garden, keep some sheep, cook well and clean up, enjoy their homeschooling…. And they are very happy!
Every time I visit, the kids want to show off their latest projects. They are proud of their lives, confident and smart. The two oldest are doing very well at college….
Why should this be so special? This is the way that everybody used to grow up.
“But Billy(goat)Boy says he only had sex with her once in the several years of their relationship. I see no reason not to believe him.”
Mr. Billy goat Clinton has been with Mrs. Hilarious Clinton for more than several years now, Mary. Chelsea could darn well be the product of that one time encounter though.
“Hogwash.”
Agreed, Lrning. Some of the good ole boys are very good at pitting women against each other and putting females together that they know will probably bump heads.
Then they can justify their positions and salaries. “See the little ladies could never get along without our playing interference.”
Require a few of these good ole boys to share tight quarters with each other all day and see how well they do. Put a couple of savvy women in charge of giving them schedules and orders. There would not be backbiting and belittling. There would be fists and weapons.
With poor male leaders, there are gonna be problems right down the line.
Women are not good at work? What a shameful comment.
As a young mom I used to blame my baby boomer mother for not passing on these things. I’ve come to an understanding now that her’s, mine, and the newer generations are just hard to teach! We had comfort growing up, no real hardships, never knew what real hunger was. I think suburban life is just not conducive to training children real life skills. There is seemingly no need to know how to cook or sew when there’s a mall, grocery store, and now the UPS man at your fingertips.
When I was a lazy child my mom would ask me how I would ever survive if I lived the farm life of my depression-era grandmother, I finally came up with the retort that I would have no problem because my work would have meaning; staying alive! God help us if and when our infrastructure fails.
The decline of solid family life and family values has been a major precursor in the decline of various civilizations and nations. And, not strangely, the sacrifice of children (illustrated by abortion in our society) and increasing homosexual practice are the last steps of the degradation of families and nations.
“But we did not teach them how to do laundry, or cook a dinner, or maintain a lawn mower. Or even how to care for little kids.”
You never had your children help with any of this? Did they have to clean their own rooms? My kids were made to take a babysitting class. One of them was not too happy about it. It was mostly girls that signed up for it.
Read also Dorothy L. Sayers…who wrote also that the domestic arts were essentially taken over by industry.
People are rediscovering some of the domestic arts. I find on Pinterest…lots of interest in sewing, and I see posts from old books from Great-Grandma’s time…on how to make over (now called “repurposing” ) old clothes…notably mens’ shirts…into many wonderful garments.
I wish for all young women two things (at least). One…Just don’t listen to all the talk about “what young women should be” without knowing who you are and what you consider important.
Make your life plan with your husband (if you’re married). And find people in your family, friends who share your general vision. For me, I would have found more people who were stay at home moms when my kids were little.
And Pinterest, sometimes your local craft or sewing store …can help you learn those domestic skills you want to enhance.
If you know how to learn, you can also learn domestic arts. And then, you will unlearn (by experience) most of the anti domestic arts propaganda out there.
I love seeing the really old art of reusing clothes (now called “repurposing”) being revived. Notably, mens’ shirts (sometimes found cheap at garage sales, thrift stores) are being reshaped into wonderful womens’ blouses or girls’ dresses. Mens shirts are usually made with much better quality fabric than some womens shirts…Just one example.
You went to school. You know how to learn…
So Look around and have fun reviving those domestic arts you want to learn. And surely an older neighbor/relative will be flattered if you ask her “how to make that wonderful homemade soup” “how to alter that dress” etc. etc.
Ah – I hadn’t seen it in a while on this site – “The gays are ruining the country!”
Thanks Raymond.
I mean, we had slavery for decades – but I guess ‘the gays’ are worse.
We tear apart families by locking up more people than any other country out there for reasons most countries don’t lock people up – but I guess that’s not a big hit to the family.
We have wealth inequality that results in most parents both having to work – but I guess that’s not an issue.
The gays! Blame the gays!
Sheesh.
“This is the way that everybody used to grow up.”
Selling produce on the internet? LOL
I didn’t even see a computer until I was a senior in high school.
Agree pretty hard with your comment, Del, assuming the “we” is a very general one ;)
I don’t think any of the things brought up in the actual article referenced are legitimate problems mothers today face. Ferberizing! Gluten-free cooking! Unschooling! Whatever. These aren’t domestic arts and they aren’t parenting problems so much as they are pop-culture buzzwords.
But idiotic buzzwords aside, I do think that many people today are ill-prepared not just for parenthood but for adulthood (interesting that they no longer go, by assumption, hand in hand – either way). Domestic arts aren’t any more hugely difficult to learn than many other skills. I say this as someone with a deep appreciation for them, and someone who is the primary “domestic artist” of her household. I know how to cook healthy meals on a budget, and I know how to sew (clothing, Halloween costumes, toys, curtains, whatever). I know how to structure a day logistically, so that there is a place and time for everything that needs to happen, and time to get to each place as well. I can see far enough into the future to simply say, “Okay, now if you guys get into pajamas without dawdling then we will have time for dessert,” instead of just “Okay, let’s have some dessert” and THEN spend the next 45 minutes hassling the kids to put their pajamas on (the preferred MO of their dad). I know that discipline is not synonymous with nagging or punishment and that actually, punishment is often the flip side of “passive parenting.” To me, this is the mirror-image aspect of my paid job, which deals heavily in logistics – and involves things like looking four months into the future to decide what we need to start building tomorrow, to decide what materials we need to order TODAY. And which involves making people enjoy working for and with me. Neither environment is harder or easier, more or less valuable.
I do think that we need home ec classes but I think they should be for boys and girls, and I think they should be far more useful and all-encompassing. I think managing a home budget needs to be taught. I think cooking REAL food should be taught – the basics, at least. In my home ec class we learned how to make cookies, woohoo. And we hand-sewed a pillow. Who hand-sews a pillow!? Seventh-graders and no one else, that’s who. Why wasn’t I learning how to adjust the tension on a sewing machine, or how to saute vegetables? How to grow container herbs on a windowsill? These are all things I learned as an adult, of my own volition.
I would say that previous generations failed millenial adults of both genders, in a variety of ways. At work and in the home. I was lucky that my parents insisted on chores as part of the family responsibility from a very young age – we each started putting away our clean clothes when we hit preschool, loading the dishwasher when we started kindergarten, etc, and graduated in turn to bigger responsibilities as we aged; by high school we were doing laundry for ourselves and the rest of the family, cleaning bathrooms, and other similar levels of home care. A surprising number of my friends had no chores at all, or got paid for chores.
My mother was not a knowledgeable cook so while she passed on the skills she had, I eventually sought more once I wanted to expand my repertoire. And, like with sewing, when I wanted to learn more than I already knew, I turned to…the internet. I learned to cook, and sew, and for that matter I learned basic plumbing, for free, from online tutorials and videos. It was work, but it was worth it. And I think that is where our generation has been failed – in being raised to be blind to the WORK that goes into everyday life, so that when we are called to WORK for ourselves, not just for someone who is paying us, we balk and don’t even know how. I think that paying kids to do the basic work that makes up daily life teaches that the only work worth doing comes with a paycheck, and blindsides kids when they are expected to put in a surprising amount of work FOR FREE just to get by in their own lives. There is joy to be found in “working for yourself,” as I view any home task (from plumbing to sewing, and everything in between). There is dignity in it, just as much as there is in any paid job.
Not even going to touch the “women aren’t good workers” comment. I work in a very masculine industry and I absolutely think that it is improved by the few women in it. I know several technical directors who try very hard to keep a 50/50 male/female ratio in their carpentry shops, just because they find that that is the most pro-social, functional grouping to have. Women are valuable workers, in and outside the home; and the work both men and women do, in and outside the home, is itself valuable.
Hey Alexandra!
Sounds like you are busy!
I know how much WORK kids can be — mine are pretty self-sufficient now so I have more time for bon bons and bubble baths.
I hope your boyfriend and his kids appreciate all of your domestic artistry.
I have a sewing machine buried under Christmas decorations somewhere. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have a daughter-in-law someday that will be interested in sewing and I’ll bring it out of retirement! I have a latch hook from years ago that she could finish too. ;)
I could write a book about this weekend’s question. The answer is yes, and how! To say nothing of how much more expensive it is to buy take-out food than to cook at home.
I am forever in my mother’s debt, for all she taught me about how to cook from scratch, and so much more.
“Just don’t listen to all the talk about “what young women should be” without knowing who you are and what you consider important.”
Thanks for this, vanessa.
Listen to your own voice.
If you don’t like cooking, carryout more often but then remember you will just have to give up in other areas. I too wish Home Economics would become an option in schools again for both genders so young people would learn how to pinch pennies when times get tough.
Consider working part-time outside the home or job-sharing with others if you can afford it. Not every woman wants to stay home full-time or vice-versa. Talk it over with your family.
Don’t let someone guilt you into making clothes for the kids if you absolutely hate sewing or are terrible at it. Not everyone is good at domestic artistry no matter how hard they try. If money is tight, garage sales and second hand shops have some nice things if you look hard enough.
If you enjoy making homemade pillows like you did as a child, refuse to let anyone hate on you for it. Put in a garden if you have time and enjoy that sort of work.
If you enjoy trimming bushes but your son prefers vacuuming and mopping, make the exchange. Don’t take someone calling you lazy because you are not who they think you should be or you are not doing what they think a woman should be doing.
If you and your family are fed, clean, healthy and happy don’t feel you have to explain to anyone why you don’t have farm animals out back or herbs lining the sill. Don’t feel guilty about a couple loads of laundry or letting dishes sit for a day or so. Better yet, do the chores together with other family members.
If your children enjoy acting, let them join area plays. If they enjoy sports or getting together with friends to game, encourage them there too. If they are good at baking, buy them what they will need. Don’t expect them to like what you do or did or to excel at things they will never like or be good at. They may later resent you for pushing them or limiting their options.
If you know you absolutely don’t want a child(ren), please don’t behave in such a way that will bring them into existence. If you are scared when you are pregnant about becoming a mom, spend time with those who will encourage you and help you. We are out here.
And never, ever take to heart people talking garbage like, “Women are not good at work.”
Gotta go. Chocolate and bubbles are calling me!
“Not even going to touch the “women aren’t good workers” comment. I work in a very masculine industry and I absolutely think that it is improved by the few women in it. I know several technical directors who try very hard to keep a 50/50 male/female ratio in their carpentry shops, just because they find that that is the most pro-social, functional grouping to have. Women are valuable workers, in and outside the home; and the work both men and women do, in and outside the home, is itself valuable.”
Yup, I work with all guys now (mechanic) and I really wish we had an equal gender ratio. Anything that’s too gender-skewed tends to have problems.You wanna talk about back-biting and competition, look at how middle-aged mechanics work together lol. I think women could only improve the work environment dramatically.
I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous than “women aren’t good at work”. It just sounds to me that people who think that have trouble getting along with other women for whatever personal issues they have, and is putting that on women in general and not taking a look at their own behavior.
Great comments Prax!
I am busy, Praxedes, but luckily they do appreciate it! The kids, for their part, do to the extent that kids can/should, I mean. I think in some way it would be really sad if a 5-year old understood enough of the work of life to fully appreciate it. There’s something sweet in the naive acceptance of it and it makes it that much more rewarding when they come to appreciate each thing in time, IMO. And I guess that that’s the sad flip side of so many adults my age and younger not having really learned how much work goes into life – they delay the full gratitude that a child feels for his parents, for the work they did and the sacrifices they made. I don’t necessarily need a kindergartner to understand how truly obnoxious it is to wash sheets that go on bunk beds, but if a 15-year old didn’t understand enough to appreciate it, I’d be pretty miffed!
DLPL, congratulations on the new job! I mentioned this before, but I used to work at the “Fame” high school – the specialized performing arts high school in NYC that the movie was based on – and one of the lesser-known majors there is a technical theater course of study, which is how I worked (as an independent adviser and occasional master-class instructor, not a teacher). I helped the technical director re-work the four-year syllabus to include welding, since anyone who doesn’t know how to work with metal in this day and age is not going to be very successful in theatrical carpentry (maybe in TV, but only certain aspects). A really awesome unintended side effect of that was that more young women chose to focus on carpentry as their major. The way the program was structured, students in the tech program spend their freshman year doing a quarter-long intense focus in each of the delineations: carpentry, props, wardrobe, and lighting/sound. Then in their sophomore year they drop one to focus on three; in their junior year they drop another to focus on two, and in their senior year they can either stay focusing on two and spend half the year in each, or can specialize in a single department for the whole year. But all students must spend some time over the four years in all departments before being allowed to specialize in any way. Prior to including welding, the kids who chose to focus on carpentry were almost all boys, just because it was fairly brute strength-oriented and girls who were into woodworking could be more successful doing props instead. But in the first group of freshmen to come through and learn welding became seniors, seven girls chose to specialize in carpentry. Women are often great welders, perhaps because, and this is as large a generalization I will ever make, it’s less pure-strength-oriented and more detail/focus-oriented – you cut all your metal to size, build a jig, clamp everything into place, and then put on your mask and hunch over hard at work for as long as it takes. Several of the women carpenters over the years went on to study engineering or architecture, and I think that the confidence that came from holding their own – and earning leadership positions – in a carpentry/metalworking shop probably played a big part in that. I thought that was pretty awesome. And yes, they were definitely good workers!