by Kelli


Iím pregnant. I just found out. Iím having an abortion on Saturday at 10 a.m….

I donít want to have an abortion, which is why I got an IUD ó to give myself a 99 percent chance of not having to consider the procedure for a decade, or ever. (Clearly the IUD failed, so I guess Iím the 1 percent.) What I definitely, definitely donít want, immeasurably more than I donít want to have an abortion, is to be pregnant or have a child.

So Iím not going to. At least, not right now….

Despite all the support Iíve received, I have walked around furious for the past week at the thought of those anonymous people who would tell me Iím wrong not to stay pregnant. Iíve tried to analyze my rage in an effort to cope with it, and Iím sure it has something to do with my ardent conviction that women deserve the right to choose what happens to their bodies. Usually, my rage compels me toward something productive. But I donít have time for that at the moment, because Iím having an abortion on Saturday at 10 a.m.

So being angry hasnít done much for me this week. Iím still pregnant and donít want to be. My IUD still doesnít work and needs to be removed from my uterus, and I still donít know what my next form of birth control will be, or if Iíll ever feel comfortable trusting any contraceptive again. I hope this experience will make me a better activist, but I canít foresee if it will just yet.

Right now I donít feel like an activist at all, just a woman whoís having an abortion. Iím a woman fortunate enough to have so much love and support I donít know how to process it all. Thatís rare and special, but still it feels like no one can help me much at the moment. This weekend the people who love me will sit in the waiting room while I walk into my abortion by myself. I donít know what comes next, how or if this will change who I am. Maybe it will, maybe it wonít. I canít know that now. It isnít Saturday yet.

~ Jenny Kutner, Salon, August 1

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